Glad to be here

[HereForTheLove]

Hello. I am glad to find this family! I have an adult son who I suspect has BPD, though not diagnosed and likely won't be because he is not open to help. I have an appointment for therapy for me coming up in a couple of weeks but I don't think this person deals largely in BPD.

My biggest issue today is my constant anxiety that my son will go off into anger and rage, turning on a dime, which just makes my anxiety go through the roof. I worry that he will go off, and then when he does I feel worse. He sometimes says he will commit suicide, and also that he will kill his dog, who is the closest being to him because he can't relate to people. The biggest thing I need today is a way to deal with life, and with these explosive episodes, without all this anxiety.

Thank in advance.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Goodtimesbro]

Welcome aboard you aren't alone.

[Mutt]

Hello and welcome. I am really glad you made it here.

What you are describing, that constant worry of waiting for the “turn on a dime” moment, is exhausting. To live in that kind of uncertainty is to have your nervous system in a state of constant alert. It is no wonder you feel drained.

Something that helped me was realizing that I couldn’t control or prevent the “explosions” by being constantly on high alert. By watching for every signal, I wasn’t preventing the “explosions” so much as keeping myself anxious.

When the topic of suicide threats or threats to the pet comes up, that is a serious topic. For me, the change was recognizing that those kinds of statements are about safety, not about having an emotional conversation. When someone threatens to hurt themselves, that is a “this may require professional support” kind of situation, not something I can handle on my own. It’s not about punishment, it’s about recognizing that I am taking the statement seriously without trying to negotiate it.

The hardest thing for me to learn was how to separate love from responsibility. I can love someone and still recognize that I am not responsible for managing their emotions or preventing every escalation.

You mentioned that you are going to therapy for yourself. Even if the therapist isn’t specialized in BPD, working on your own anxiety and nervous system regulation can be a huge benefit. When our own system is calm, we behave differently, and that alone can change the dynamic.

You are not wrong to be feeling anxious. But your own peace can’t hang on whether your son is having a good day or not. That’s too much to carry on your own shoulders.

I am glad you are here.

[BPDstinks]

Hi!  Welcome to a club noone really wants to be in     I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this!  BPD is a beast...this is such a good "forum" to vent and find others in your "shoes"

[CC43]

Hi Love,

I think many parents on these boards have felt something similar.  I know I have, given an adult BPD stepdaughter who attempted suicide multiple times.  I felt like I was on suicide watch for several years, which was not fun at all.  And like your son, my stepdaughter was prone to raging outbursts.  Though she didn't threaten to kill a pet, once she made thinly veiled threats to a relative, for a trumpted-up infraction so bizarre it was scary--her relative offered water, and BPD stepdaughter thought that was condescending and abusive, punishible with violence.  That's how serious and out-of-control things got.

May I ask, how old is your son?  Is he living with you?  Is he clean, or do you think he's self-medicating with illicit substances?  Does he have any friends whatsoever?  Is he in school or working at all?  If he were able to take just one class, or hold just one job for a day or two, that's something positive.  With BPD, I think it helps to think in terms of baby steps.

First off, please know that this is NOT your fault, no matter what your son says.  You are NOT responsible for his ill feelings.  My guess is he's trying to blame you for all his problems, right?  I think the victim mindset is probably the worst part of BPD, because it renders your son feeling powerless, not responsible for his own life.

Second, you need to take care of yourself first.  You're no good to your son if you are a basket case.  It's good you're getting therapy, if you think it helps.  More than anything, your son needs you to be the healthy, calm and rational one.

Finally, please don't take what your son says personally.  His emotions are out of control, and he's hurling (probably projecting) them onto you.  You can choose not to engage with him when he's mean or threatening, because engaging means adding fuel to the fire.  I think it's best that you try not to get sucked in, and stay calm.  One tequinique is never to JADE when he's upset (justify, argue, defend and explain).  Another technique is to gray rock--be as calm and boring as a gray rock, so as not to add fuel to the emotional fire, in the hopes that your calmness will rub off.  In other words, when your son goes on an emotional rollercoaster, you can choose not to ride alongside him, but rather wait patiently at the exit.