I Need Help

[HereForTheLove]

   My adult son has traits of BPD and NPD. I have severe anxiety from him breaking out in anger and rate with no provocation. He has deemed himself as being in control of everything, and I don't do a great job of setting boundaries so that's not true. I am married, and I can talk a bit to my husband, but I really need friends who I can share with who can give me some hope. I do have a therapy appt set up for myself in a few weeks (why does it take so long to get an appointment?), but that doesn't help today. I wake up every morning and go to sleep every night shaking and heart racing. I know most of you experience or have experienced this same situation. Please help!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so glad you found us and you're absolutely in the right place.

A few questions first- how old is your son?  I'm guessing he lives with you, is that right?  And has he ever received any therapy or treatment?  I'm guessing there's no diagnosis since you said "traits" (which is fine, by the way, the diagnosis really isn't that important in the grand scheme of things).

Now, about what to do.  That's tough without knowing his age since the advice would vary drastically.  But at the same time, this really isn't about him as much as it is about you.  So let's talk about a few general "rules" that can help you find some sanity within your home.

Rule #1- Stop arguing completely.  If he yells, screams, rants, threatens, etc, your response should be love and compassion.  Why?  Because he's mentally ill and he's lashing out at an unfair world.  He blames you because he can't bear the thought of blaming himself and his spiraling emotions.

Rule #2- You'll fail miserably at rule #1 for quite some time.  We all did...and still do.  That's okay, but the "no arguing" still stands.  He argues because he's in a disordered state where logic shuts off and feelings take over.  The words he says are likely untrue, but the feelings behind it is real.  He's like a baby throwing a temper tantrum....and what do we do with babies?  We soothe them, we calm them down, we tell them that everything's going to be okay.

Now, that doesn't mean to ever, ever validate the words he's saying.  You validate the emotions instead.  I'm so sorry you're upset, I'm so sorry that you're struggling right now...tell me how I can help.

Rule #3- You'll fail miserably at rule #2 for quite some time.  We all did...and still do.  So when he's disordered and your compassionate approach fails, you still don't stand there and argue.  You retreat.  Literally anywhere.  If he won't back off, drive around the block or go buy a milkshake.  The goal is to let him calm down, to regulate his feelings so he can think logically again.  Fighting charges his emotions and makes things even worse, so we don't fight.  We love and if necessary, we back off to let them calm down.

Rule #4- You'll fail miserably at rule #3 for quite some time.  We all did...and still do.  That's okay though.  As a parent, your job is to teach right from wrong...and it's 1,000x more important with a BPD child.  You must have crystal clear boundaries and enforce them the exact same way every time. 

For instance, with my kid is was always clean your room before asking to go somewhere on the weekends.  And she'd never clean her room...mainly to spite me.  Friday would come and she'd scream, manipulate, argue, threaten to run away, etc. while calling me the worst father in the world.  But you know what, I took it and I told her, "Look, I want you to go have fun with your friends, I really do.  It's your decision though- just clean your room and you can go."

Your rules (boundaries) should be as absolute as gravity...they can't change.  But you teach your son that he's the one making all the decisions, he's the one deciding to make things harder on himself.  Just do what you're asked and you get rewarded; why would you not want that?

My kid's psychiatrist actually taught my daughter at 16 to use manipulation the right way to get what she wanted.  He said, if your dad tells you that you have to do something, smile and do it...even though you can't stand him.  Then you'll get rewarded and the joke's on him.  It's a twisted way at looking at things, but it absolutely worked.

Rule #5-  You'll fail miserably at rule #4 for quite some time.  We all did...and still do.  But as long as you're learning not to argue, not to invalidate feelings, and you're taking some "me time" when necessary, it will start to get easier.  The big game-changer is focusing more on your own mental health and doing things that benefit you both physically and mentally.  It's easier said than done for sure, but hopefully in time you'll be able to let go of that nervous anxiety and the burdens that come along with it.

[js friend]

Hi Hereforthelove,

Yes I remember the feeling of being anxious a lot of time when my udd was a teen and lived at home but you dont have to live that way. You could make an apt with your gp and see what counselling services they provide.

[CC43]

Hi there,

You've come to the right place.  If you read some posts, I bet many of the stories will resonate.

Based on what you've posted, my guess is that your son is a young adult and hasn't figured out how to support himself yet, correct?  I'm writing that because it sounds like you're having frequent (daily?) interactions with him, mostly negative ones.  My guess is that he either lives with you or lives nearby, and he still acts highly dependent on you, probably asking you for money all the time.  Does that sound about right?  I bet he's learned that by acting out and bullying you, he gets you to give him more money, whether to bail him out of a mess, to keep him off the streets and/or to assuage your guilt.  The thing is, deep down he RESENTS feeling dependent on you, so he's mean to you while stretching out his hand for money and/or support.  But when you reward his belligerent behavior, he's incentivized to continue, because the alternative (finishing school, working full-time, delaying gratification) feels impossible to him.  Every demand seems to come with over-the-top anger, right?  That's because his emotional intelligence is lacking, and he's overpowered by negative thinking.  He's lacking the emotional skills to manage his adult life, such as handling his strong feelings, planning, tolerating distress, resolving conflicts, focussing on tasks at hand, dealing with disappointments, patiently taking things one day at a time, basically doing things he doesn't necessarily want to do because that's what adults do.  Emotionally, he probably still feels like a young kid--ruled by self-centeredness, impulsiveness, lacking empathy, super-sized feelings, difficulty handling criticism, avoiding responsibility, impatience, blowing things out of proportion.  Meanwhile, deep down he feels intense shame, but because it's too painful to bear, he deflects and blames other people for all his problems.  His main target is YOU.  Let me guess, your son always thinks he's a victim.  If that's the case, it's not surprising because the victim attitude is a hallmark of BPD.
 
One statement stands out to me in your post:  that your son thinks he's in control.  My guess is that is "projection" about his own deep concerns about his NOT being in control of his life or his emotions.  He's so insecure and worried about not finding his way in the world that everything he perceives is in terms of control.  What does he do?  His preoccupation slips out in his statements.  In addition, he tries to control YOU, to compensate for the lack of control in his own life.  Let me guess, he demands that you're there for him at all hours, to do things for him whenever he wants, and he throws a fit if you decline to help right away.  Meanwhile, he claims he's an adult, he can do anything he wants to, and yet he still needs you to help him get what he wants, and he refuses to face the consequences of his decisions.  Alas, acting out and treating you badly doesn't make him feel any better in the long run, because his emotions are all over the place and his life looks dysfunctional.  Does that sound about right?  Maybe if you understand where his perverse thinking is coming from, it could help you realize that IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

Now about you.  BPD behaviors can rip families apart--it's understandable that you feel desperate/stressed out/anxiety-ridden/hopeless/financially strained/burnt out/grieving/fearful/exhausted/terrorized/bullied/manipulated/resentful/guilty/a failure as a parent.  Did I miss anything?  Look, first and foremost, you need to priortize yourself and your well-being.  Your son is an adult, he's responsible for him, and you are responsible for you.  You CANNOT "fix" your son, and you cannot control his feelings.  But you can help guide him and support him and love him in a calmer, healthier way.  Yet you're no good for him if you're a basket case, operating in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt.  He needs a calm, loving parent who doesn't get "sucked in" to all the drama.  He needs a healthy parent to model for him what a healthy adult's life looks like.  That includes getting therapy for you if you think you need it.  That includes having a peaceful home, sound finances, a loving marriage and time for friends and hobbies too.  That includes not letting people treat you like dirt, because you are worthy of being treated nicely.  How does that sound?

[HereForTheLove]

Thanks so much for your responses - I'm still figuring this out and coult not figure out how to reply to each message individually, so count this for both. I like the 5 actions, and the fact that I will fail at them before I get them right, that gives me HUGE permission to be human. My son is an adult - he is almost 40, and has only lived on his own for 6 months. He cannot get along with other people - friends, employers, family, store clerks, people at the gas pump, other drivers - he is down to me and my husband, who is not his birth father.  That makes it really tough - he cannot keep a job, it always ends up in a blowup and he quits or walks out. Family members are cordial to him if necessary, but that's it. Friends - nah, those went by the wayside long ago. He does have a passion, and that is cannabis - grows it, smokes it, spends hours each day taking care of his plants, who cannot talk back to him.

As far as boundaries, I've been unsuccessful at setting them, but am resolved to get better, no matter how many attempts it takes. I personally feel I need therapy as well to deal with my own reactions, and turns out I got an appointment for Monday so I feel really good about that.

Again, thanks so much for the kind words from everyone. I will be reading lots and learning lots, and I look forward to an improved, not perfect, life. (Although I will say i get jealous when other people have sons who are successful.) I should also say I have a daughter who is not BPD or NPD, she is high functioning in every area of her life. I am grateful for her in mirroring that I was not a failure as a mother.