22 years and here we go again

[Zoogman]

After 22 years of roller coaster emotions,  I just discovered “stop walking on eggshells” by P Mason and R. Krueger.   So many things hit home and a relief to learn that I was not imagining these things.  Recently, Have been practicing the techniques applied and thought all was good,  but once again feel back to square one and feel like a failure once again.  Maybe if I knew about BDP a long time ago I would have better energy/alertness to handle. However, now I just feel so drained and exhausted.  After 3 weeks of strained communication/ coexistence she opened up tonight.
Was a stressful evening of her talking about the love is gone and she sees the future better with us apart and would have done so if it were not for the kids.  I’m a beginner on the techniques talked about, and kept calm but even that got tossed back at me that I don’t care, fake, emotionally numb, and always showing my “angel wings” ( term she has used when I explain how i feel).   I’m lost……

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SuperDaddy]

Hi Zoogman ,

I have read a lot of books on BPD, and I can tell you none of them has a solution. All they can help with is to not feed into the drama. Another way of looking at the problem is by understanding the EOS theory: https://psycnet.apa.org/buy/2010-06891-012

What this study tells you is that by doing extreme actions such as self-harm, the pwBPD can stimulate their own EOS without interacting with anyone else. However, by interacting with someone else, it's much easier to cause this stimulation of the EOS, especially if that's an intimate partner. And they are always unaware of why they are doing that.

When things get bad enough, the only solution for the intimate partner is to live apart. That's exactly what has solved the problem for me. My wife still does lots of drama through text messages but those don't bother me as much as the screams, throwing of objects, etc.

The only thing that can possibly be a solution is treatment with a specialist, preferably through DBT. But they will usually not want to do treatment to change their behaviors or thoughts, because for them, it is already working for them. They don't understand that their intimate partner feels drained and exhausted, because for them it goes the other way around, exiting the EOS (and other circuits as well).

However, in the event that the pwBPD "hits a wall," then they may finally try to heal. I mean something very tough, such as the threat of losing child custody along with a divorce. My wife hasn't started DBT yet, so I'm afraid that living apart hasn't been enough of a hit for her, but I'll be patient and giver her more time.