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[lovewillwin]

I stumbled on this site trying to find reviews for the Gundersen Center at McLean before we sell our souls to save our daughter.
Her issue as I’m sure many are, is complex…we’ve heard that a lot lately. She’s been in and out of treatment starting after a traumatic event her first semester of college 2022, which led to catatonia. As of her most recent stay at McLean impatient, she was diagnosed with underlying Bipolar but more specifically BPD due to trauma. We definitely see the borderline patterns and she seems more stable on current meds but unsure at the same time. She was discharged from another program 2 days ago for behavior issues ( in our opinion due to some medication changes) that I believe could’ve been handled differently. We are at our wits end, the last program told us she needs intensive, residential DBT. So we are looking for a program, again.  Our once very bright, very compliant and successful daughter is someone completely different now and we just want to find healing.
So I’m hoping to feel less alone and maybe find some direction. I’m sure many are aware the system is difficult to say the least and we have had some terrible experiences, unfortunately piling on to a family already in crisis.
I will add that we do believe smoking synthetic THC over the last 4 years has complicated this situation drastically.
She also experiences FND seizures.
Thank you for this space.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there,

I'm so sorry about your daughter, the situation must be really scary for you.  I had a similar situation when my adult BPD stepdaughter attended college, right around the same time that I married her dad.  She started using marijuana daily, experienced a crisis, made a first suicide attempt and landed in the hospital.  By the way, after around a year of self-medication with marijuana, her executive function declined precipitously, and on top of her wild mood swings and bouts of unbridled rage, she was paranoid and delusional.  On some occasions when under extreme stress, she seemed to lose touch with reality.

Like your daughter, my stepdaughter was in and out of McLean.  I felt that the treatments there helped stabilize her, and yet, she wasn't really "ready" to do the real work of therapy at first.  Since she was technically an adult, she felt she could do "anything she wanted," and she generally didn't want to do the recommended follow-up, because she wanted to do other things.  I'm not sure if her executive functioning was intact enough for her to apply for treatment programs, make appointments or execute the administrative side of arranging for her own care.  In a way, I felt like McLean "dropped the ball" once she was discharged, believing that a young adult can manage her own care by herself, and make rational decisions about follow up.  Sure, her dad and I wanted her to get follow-up care, but at the time she was belligerent and uncooperative.  Her dad, in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, allowed her stay at our home for an extended period, basically on "vacation," while sleeping the days away, using marijuana and being disrespectful to us.  Eventually he let her re-enroll in college, because that's what she wanted to do, but against our better judgment, because she wasn't demonstrating that she was in a good place when living with us.  Alas, that was basically setting her up to fail.  And this cycle--falling apart, withdrawing from college, getting a little treatment to stabilize, living at home on "vacation," going back to school, repeated.  Each repeat was worse than the last on.

I will follow up with more later.  In the meantime, take a deep breath.  Things can get better if your daughter takes therapy seriously (and stops using marijuana in my opinion).  McLean has great programs, provided that she's "ready."

[ChoosingPeace]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. If your daughter is willing I’d get her into the residential program and let the professionals lead the way. Trust them over your daughter, as hard as that may be.

I think the best thing we can do is hold our children accountable for their actions. Using substances is unacceptable, imo, and will only complicate things. Marijuana increases the likelihood of mental illness. The book “Tell Your Children the Truth About Marijuana” by Alex Berenson is eye opening on the subject.

She’s an adult and has to want to get better for this to work. I hope she chooses healing.

[CC43]

Hi again,

While understanding that every person and situation is different, I'll share a bit about my adult BPD stepdaughter's experience, in the hopes to provide some perspective.

Like you, I think that daily marijuana use played a big role in my stepdaughter's dysfunction.  While she thought it was OK, since "everyone uses marijuana," I think the reality is that today's marijuana is more toxic than it used to be.  Since it's available in chewables and other convenient formats, there's a lack of negative bio-feedback (irritating smoke, stench) which can moderate use.  She could use it stealthily, which means she'd consume it more frequently than if she had to smoke it.  And I'm not sure if being female is a factor, but my guess is that female bodies are smaller and have more delicate hormonal constitutions, so toxic substances can have a bigger impact (I'm not a doctor but just commenting based on anecdotal evidence).  Anyway, my message to you is that my BPD stepdaughter did not improve until she stopped using marijuana.  She had to hear it from "professional" doctors to be convinced that marijuana wasn't harmless, but rather was making her feel worse, not better.  My opinion is that for as long as your daughter is self-medicating with marijuana, no amount of therapy will really help her.  Others on this site might disagree with that statement, but my lived experience tells me that marijuana only made things much, much worse.

I guess I have two other messages for you.  First is that your daughter needs to be "ready" for therapy in order for it to work.  I think that means she needs to have hit bottom.  She needs to realize that the status quo isn't working for her, and that therapy is her only remaining hope.  Whereas she might agree to "go along" with therapy in order to get something she wants, such as permission from you to go on a trip or back to college, I don't believe that therapy will work in that situation.  So if you're scrambling to find programs, find money and convince your daughter to attend the program to save her, my guess is that she's probably not ready yet.  I think your daughter has to be the one to take the lead.  She's the one who should be driving the process.  Of course, she's young and probably doesn't really know how to navigate the medical world, and she'll probably need your help to arrange things, but nevertheless she should take the lead.  If you take the lead, she'll think you're "forcing" her into therapy, and she's liable not to take it seriously and/or quit early.  Please, save your money until your daughter is committed to therapy.  If she's quitting early, she doesn't believe in it.  She'll hate the doctors, say everything is stupid, won't tolerate a drug-free environment and ask to go back to her old life, where she's blaming everyone else for all her problems.  You see, therapy won't work until your daughter is ready to do the work, because therapy IS work.  Look, the only time my stepdaughter seemed ready to commit to therapy was when she took an Uber to the hospital by herself.  Every previous occasion, someone else drove her, and she ended up saying she was "forced" into treatment.  One instance she alleges she was "assaulted" when her parent took her to the hospital after threatening self-harm.

My second message is to think in terms of baby steps.  If your daughter's life is looking completely dysfunctional, and you re-enroll her in college, you are basically setting her up to fail.  Sure, she wants to go back to see some friends and go on spring break, but if she has been sleeping all day, abusing marijuana, constantly scrolling on her phone, living in a pig sty and erupting into fits of rage over seemingly nothing, she's showing you she's not ready for a vigorous routine and all the pressures of college.  She probably won't even have the ability to go to class, let alone do her assignments and navigate the pressures of roommates and adult relationships.  I'd say, don't set her up to fail!  She needs to ease into things more gradually.  Maybe her primary focus is therapy for a time.  Then she needs to establish a healthy daily routine, including sleeping right, eating right, tidying her environment, taking care of personal hygiene and getting regular exercise.  If she can handle all that while avoiding blow-ups with you, then maybe she's ready to take an online class or two, or possibly an easy part-time job like dog walking.  Again, baby steps towards building up to functioning on a part-time schedule.  Only once she shows she can handle a normal part-time schedule (and handling some lower-level daily pressures) do you consider letting her go back to college full-time, if that's what she decides she wants to do.  I know that's probably not what you want to hear, nor your daughter.  You could try to frame it in a more positive light:  Darling, we're glad you're ready to commit to therapy.  We know the process is difficult, and we support you on focusing on your health right now.  We know all this might feel overwhelming, and it will be hard work, which is why therapy should be your main focus right now.  The doctors are professionals, they see these sorts of issues all the time, they know what to do.  Try not to worry about college/friends/the future, that can wait.  You don't have to work out your entire life today, just focus on the program for the next few weeks.  (Baby steps.)

Hope that perspective helps.