Wife with BPD, Want to Leave, Worried about Kids Well-being

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Wife has BPD. We have 2 kids - 15yo stepson and 2yo son. I have raised stepson as my own since he was 4... .I likely only stayed in relationship b/c of stepson. Wife just quit job (mental instability disguised as a-hole coworkers)... .yesterday was first day not working and is worse than ever.

I want to leave. I need to leave. I'm on 10 different medications per day that all are based in anxiety. I grind my teeth all day & night. I'm 50 lbs overweight.

I'm afraid to leave because she knows I'll take the 2yo and I will likely win custody b/c she lost the 15yo when he was 2 on "false" charges of injury to a child... .I'm afraid to leave because I don't know what she'll do to my kids to get back at me. I also know that since I "allowed" her to leave her job, she will blame me for being unemployable or poor. I also don't want my kids mom being poor and depressed... .she has no family and a couple of friends, but how long will that last?

I'm so tired of being anxious and abused. Enough damage has been done to the 15yo, I don't want my 2yo growing up in this environment. I'm so tired of being yelled at; being called a homosexual (b/c I don't want to have sex with my abuser) or a eunuch - in front of my kids. The words don't hurt me, but I'm ashamed of what I allow in the name of understanding. I'm so tired of it all. I'm worn down.

Follow up: I wrote this yesterday. Last night was horrible. I refused to talk as anything I said would be made out to be an attack on her, regardless of how much of a stretch it would take. I set a boundary. She spent the whole night verbally/emotionally abusing me. She tried every trick in her bag from saying things to make me angry, sad, guilty, upset, etc. but I did not cave in. For the first time I did not cave in and snuggle with her at the end. I did however get woken up at 3:00 am and she wanted me to snuggle with her and I did - I was half asleep.

[Dave40]

Wife has BPD. We have 2 kids - 15yo stepson and 2yo son. I have raised stepson as my own since he was 4... .I likely only stayed in relationship b/c of stepson. Wife just quit job (mental instability disguised as a-hole coworkers)... .yesterday was first day not working and is worse than ever.

I want to leave. I need to leave. I'm on 10 different medications per day that all are based in anxiety. I grind my teeth all day & night. I'm 50 lbs overweight.

I'm afraid to leave because she knows I'll take the 2yo and I will likely win custody b/c she lost the 15yo when he was 2 on "false" charges of injury to a child... .I'm afraid to leave because I don't know what she'll do to my kids to get back at me. I also know that since I "allowed" her to leave her job, she will blame me for being unemployable or poor. I also don't want my kids mom being poor and depressed... .she has no family and a couple of friends, but how long will that last?

I'm so tired of being anxious and abused. Enough damage has been done to the 15yo, I don't want my 2yo growing up in this environment. I'm so tired of being yelled at; being called a homosexual (b/c I don't want to have sex with my abuser) or a eunuch - in front of my kids. The words don't hurt me, but I'm ashamed of what I allow in the name of understanding. I'm so tired of it all. I'm worn down.

Follow up: I wrote this yesterday. Last night was horrible. I refused to talk as anything I said would be made out to be an attack on her, regardless of how much of a stretch it would take. I set a boundary. She spent the whole night verbally/emotionally abusing me. She tried every trick in her bag from saying things to make me angry, sad, guilty, upset, etc. but I did not cave in. For the first time I did not cave in and snuggle with her at the end. I did however get woken up at 3:00 am and she wanted me to snuggle with her and I did - I was half asleep.

[Dave40]

While I am somewhat proud of sticking to my guns last night, I am very sad and embarrassed. Here I am, a 6' 265 lbs man, former football player, built like a brick house, lying in bed, eyes closed or looking away, pursed lips, praying, trying to breathe slowly, lying in the dark at 7:45pm, getting verbally battered by a 5'3" 115 lbs. little girl.

I'm only afraid of two things, 1) the ability I have to completely destroy her life and 2) what she will do to the kids.

[formflier]

While I am somewhat proud of sticking to my guns last night, I am very sad and embarrassed. Here I am, a 6' 265 lbs man, former football player, built like a brick house, lying in bed, eyes closed or looking away, pursed lips, praying, trying to breathe slowly, lying in the dark at 7:45pm, getting verbally battered by a 5'3" 115 lbs. little girl.
 

 !  

Sounds like me.  I played football as well... .I'm 6' 2"... .actually loosing some weight and working out now... I'm down to 250lbs... .on the way to 240... then hopefully lower.

Dude... .I've been there... .I know that your brain feels like a blender has been inserted... .in fact... .someone left it in there... .and it's still on.

OK... .step 1... .keep coming back here.  You have found a safe place.

Step 2.  Take care of yourself... .we need to keep your head above water while you get educated about what you face... .and we figure out if it can be made better.  Hint... .it can.   We won't know how much better until we start working the issue... .but it can be made better.

So... .with all your physical attributes... .you are missing one critical thing.  The mustache... .

https://youtu.be/eYaftoxf31M

   Works for me... .in my mind anyway.

Step 3.  

Keep coming back and learning about boundaries and what YOU are going to do in order to take your ears somewhere else.  

Please don't change your routine yet... .but listen... .from one football player to another.  

Do you let the other team call your plays... .or your coach?  Who is calling the plays in your house right now?

Did you always like the plays the other team ran at you?  What do you do when a trick play comes out?  :)o they usually work?

We can help... .keep coming back.  And watch out for those women kicking high... .

FF

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Dave, Welcome!  Your concerns are valid.  Others have been in your shoes, believe me, so you are not alone.  Many of us have been down this road before you.  I recall feeling lost in a dark wood with no clear way out, to paraphrase Dante.  The place to start, as FF suggests, is with yourself.  Try to shift the focus back to you and your needs.  In other words, pay attention to you.  Listen to your gut feelings.  We're here to help you find the right path for you.

LuckyJim

[ArleighBurke]

It sounds like a lose-lose situation (to leave or stay). Which is the least-worst?

[SamwizeGamgee]

I'm chiming in about the sleep thing.  I hit my rock bottom the end of 2014. The year 2015 was me fighting back for my life and sanity.  I moved from the bedroom to a bed space I set up in the basement.  It confused and hurt my wife, but it was a non-negotiable survival strategy for me.  Previously, I would lie next to my wife but keep enough distance between us so I didn't wake her, or disturb her sleep.  She was anxiety inducing on a good day, never mind a day when she's tired.  Plus, I was afraid that she'd start talking about something or another, usually an item from her litany of my faults and abuses.

So I had to move and take charge of my space and my sleep.  An advantage of sleeping separate for me was that I'd be less tempted to think about sex - wanting sex from my wife and not getting it got pretty tough to endure.  At the time I was also initiating a legal separation in preparation for divorce.  I backed down on my resolve to divorce, but, I am defending my boundaries.

At some point, some guys have to discover that all the things they learned or believed about being a good husband are destructive when you've married an emotional abuser.  Take the red pill.

[Lucky Jim]

At some point, some guys have to discover that all the things they learned or believed about being a good husband are destructive when you've married an emotional abuser.

Nicely said, SG.  Commitment is admirable, but I came to see that my loyalty was misplaced in a marriage to a persecutor.  Now divorced from my BPDxW, I've learned that others appreciate my good qualities and don't try to use them against me.

LuckyJim

[formflier]

  I've learned that others appreciate my good qualities and don't try to use them against me.

 

From a more staying mindset... .

Keep having and "doing" the good qualities and avoid paying attention to whether or not they "are being used against you".

The vicious cycle that I see, looking back on my r/s, is my wife would complain and abuse over my good qualities, then I would change to EXACTLY what she demanded... .which would "work" for a day or two... .perhaps a week.

Then... like flipping a switch she would berate me for giving her EXACTLY what she wanted... .and of course I would try to reason with her get to to "once again" give me EXACTLY what she wants and I would dutifully try to "provide" that for her.

In reality, if I could time travel back, I would have been better off to hold to my values and let my wife be upset... .

Once I decided to be me again and let my wife "react" to that, instead of the other way around, a relative amount of stability returned to the r/s and much more stability to me personally.

For instance, she used to try to shame me when she would "discover" that I went out to eat by myself, or perhaps took a kid out to lunch, just to talk. 

Well... .now I don't rub it in her face... .but I certainly make no effort to "hide" it either.

Bottom line:  Once you realize (decide) that your SO is a controller, manipulator, abuser... .whatever label you want to use, step 1 is to live life for you according to your values.  Find your identity again and live it... .unapologetically.

FF

[SamwizeGamgee]

FF - that's great life advice, staying, going, or otherwise.  Thanks.
I have found that doing things including providing simple luxuries, spending money, apologizing, taking blame for little things, accommodating her to be a stay home mom, doing extra housework, and so many other things, have not made us or her better, but weaker and more dangerous, and burned me out.

[Dave40]

Still going bad. My 15yo has begun to mature past his mother. He tried to reason with her when she got mad, stormed out of the house and slammed many doors for no real good reason (I think it was because we said she had the to-go box from the restaurant... .). He got a lesson - she told him to f-off several times. I explained to him that he is to let me continue to be the buffer and not to try to fix things himself (basically - I'll take the abuse so you don't have to). What was worst was when he asked me why did I marry her. He agreed that was not an appropriate question, but I said something I never wanted to have to say to him - that I married his mother at least in part to take care of him. I then tried as hard as I could to make sure he knew this was not his fault and that he should not feel bad in any way. Its so bad right now. I REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to go through a divorce. I also don't know how much more we can take of this abuse.

[formflier]

I get the thought of "Taking it for the kid"... .

However, as you have discerned... .there is not enough energy in you to do that.

Can you focus on helping the child develop more effective strategies to "communicate with" his Mom?  Perhaps you could model those for him.

Basically... .showing that a 15 year old can communicate better and avoid abuse.

Perhaps, asking him to go to his room while you and the mother problem solve is a good way to exit him from the situation.  Then you exit...

Then she deals with herself...

FF

[Dave40]

I was just replying to say that while I do encourage my 15yo to talk respectfully to his mom, the lesson he has to learn is that when she is in psychosis she can not have a logical conversation... .you won't get through one sentence.

Then my wife just called me at work. Said she can't watch the 2yo anymore b/c its too much. Then she went on to attack me ALOT before ultimately hanging up on me.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Dave, Sorry to hear what you are going through.  No one deserves abuse.  I suggest you consider boundaries as one way to protect yourself.  Have you read about boundaries?  Have you tried this technique?  Worth exploring.

LuckyJim