Can someone offer some words of Support

[BeagleDad1]

My Spouse of 39 years was diagnosed with BPD, about 3 years ago. It was mostly “dormant” until she suffered a traumatic health issue. I’ve been trying my best to hold on and provide love and support in every way possible. It’s so heartbreaking and exhausting for me… I keep wondering where it all went wrong…The beautiful memories of life and love. The joy of living everyday with each other. The minor struggles and difficulties together with disappointments, were trivial throughout life because we always had each other, and our love for each other made the struggles disappear. The difficulties and challenges, would be carried away like a feather in the wind.
I know it’s an illness, but accepting that reality doesn’t mask the pain…
I’ve been desperately trying to reach out to anyone and anybody who can understand what I’ve been going through. Someone who could relate to me because they themselves have experienced this.
What to do, and how to go about doing it. I’ve tried contacting support groups for loved ones but I can’t seem to reach anyone.
I’m the Lighthouse keeper, in what seems to be a never ending storm. I’ve been tasked with having to keep the light on no matter what. I’m just tired, really tired.
I’ve tried to set up Therapists trained in DBT. She will see them for a few sessions and then say, “I don’t like that Therapist, they’re not empathetic enough for me”. This has gone on for the past 2 years.
The worst part of trying to cope with her illness, is when she experiences “splitting” and I become the enemy and the “abuser”. In our 40+ years together, I have never raised a hand to her or uttered an abusive word, and yet, I’ve now been subjected to regular bouts of rage and terrible verbal abuse.
Where has the beautiful, loving partner who has always been my “soul mate” gone? Each time I mention therapy, I’m rebuffed with replies like “I have too many health issues at the moment and until I feel better, I can’t speak to anyone”…
Family members have all but disappeared, because they all admittedly say they don’t know what to say to her for fear of triggering her BPD.
I feel as though I’m in a minefield with a map and the map keeps changing. When she experiences some minor physical issue, it’s always catastrophic. She will insist on being taken to the Emergency Room or to the Doctor to be checked. Countless Trips to the Emergency Room with multiple MRI’s and CT Scans all come back normal or negative. Not only has it caused a great financial burden, but the toll it has taken on my own mental and physical health, has been evident. I’m not allowed to  feel sore, under the weather or even sick, because if I mention a physical problem, I am then told my pain is nothing compared to hers…
I know this post is long, but I feel so alone with no one who seems to be able to offer any words of advice, guidance or encouragement…can someone please offer me a kind word, perhaps to serve as a simple matchstick to light up the darkness I feel enveloping me…

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ForeverDad]

Welcome back.  We encourage our membership to seek self care whenever needed.  And especially when the disordered person isn't responsive to our needs or is continuing to distress us.  Here are a few ideas, others will surely chime in soon and add their experiences and insights as well.

Did you know therapy is not just for your wife?  You too can avail yourself of counseling resources.  They may not be able to resolve the marital discord but they can focus on you and how you can deal with your spouse.

Many have noticed that distance apart - whether for a shorter or longer time - can give one a break from the relentless negativity.  Can you take walks in a park or other activity away from your spouse?  Or a weekend away with family or friends?  Or a vacation apart?  Of course this isn't a long term solution but it can provide you some temporary relief and that calmer time can let you gather your wits about you and determine how to best approach the future.
 

[SuperDaddy]

Hi BeagleDad1,

I'm glad that you have returned to this board. Your first message of last year didn't say much. But the fact that she has been diagnosed is very good. It even helps her to feel less worthless, because she knows it's a disorder and the disorder is treatable. What she doesn't have is the desire to face the facts in her therapy. It's ok to switch therapists a few times, but if she wanted to really heal, she would do that until she found one that she feels safe with.

One red flag that I see in your post is that you try to be "the lighthouse keeper." It sounds like you are making it easier for her to fail in many ways, are you? But if you do that, you make yourself an enabler, and things get worse. Because what will motivate her to change is the overseeing of the possible future consequences of her disorder. But with you always covering up for her failures, she will not feel like her disorder is a threat to her.

For instance, as a consequence of my wife's disorder, I have forced us to live apart, with no guarantees. That has helped in motivating her. However, since I'm still there for her all the time, she doesn't quite fear further consequences. But I'm sure that if I stop doing this, she will get herself moving faster (toward treatments). I'm afraid that this will only happen when I get tired, give up, and move on.

In regard to the pains, this may be because of low endogenous opioids (the natural pain reliever of our body). A German study of 2010 proposed that this is a key feature of BPD (https://psycnet.apa.org/buy/2010-06891-012), and from further research papers, it seems to be the case for 80% to 90% of patients with BPD. It seems to be the case for your wife and mine as well.

My wife is trying a drug used to treat opioid addiction and also alcoholism, and which has also been used off-label to treat BPD symptoms with success in almost all studies. Though since my wife is not suicidal nor dissociating, we chose to use the super low dosage, which has not been tested to treat BPD but is effective in treating chronic pain otherwise specified and autoimmune disorders.