Grandma worries

[Crone]

Hello-- I am new here. 62 Yo GM with 35 yo daughter who might have BPD. At least, she has those behaviors, so I am hoping strategies that help with BPD will also help with her.

We have had a long history of her blowing up and cutting me off then coming back. My personality is more low key introvert nerd, and she goes fast, so things usually progress from me thinking we are having a casual chat to finding out I didn't sound enthusiastic enough about something or was smiling at the wrong time, and now she's furious and yelling while I am just standing there confused, trying to figure out my mistake. It's like my very existence has been fingernails on a chalkboard for her, and I have tried as hard as I can to figure out what she wants.

After she had a baby 10 months ago, everything changed. I was shocked. She called and apologized-- she said now she understands what it feels like to love a baby and that she should never have been so mean to me, knowing I love her that way. She seemed very happy, no post partum depression, is able to stay home with the baby and enjoys that. I have flown there every 2-3 months to visit and it's been amazing! I still feel a bit on eggshells out of habit but she has actually been kind. I think she's doing a fantastic job with the baby.

Now baby is 10 months and I guess the friendliness towards me has suddenly worn off. She has cut me off, she says "for now" after one of those conversations that went unexpectedly south. Idk if the specifics matter, but she was saying she didn't want me to ever talk politics or religion with her daughter (a 10 month old) even as a teen because she sees my opinions as harmful. I've always been on the left, she's gone right, and do I ever bring it up? No, omg, wouldn't dream of it. I only know her current position bc she says things but I just change the subject. It's a minefield.

So I said of course I don't bring that up now! And that it would feel strange to refuse to answer a direct question honestly from a teen, but if that was her rule I would have to agree to it. Well the word "rule" set her off. She said it wasn't a rule, it was a "request" to "find out if it's going to work out for you to be in a close relationship with our family."

I would understand if I had been arguing with her about any of these things or doing monologues at dinner. But I haven't. I stick to safe subjects like weather, recipes, etc. I am ultra cautious not to offend her.

So now she is "taking a break" and uninvited me from the 1 yr birthday party. She emailed me to cancel the developmental toy subscription I had been sending at her request.

I have been in these intermittent estrangements enough to think it's not permanent, but it's still painful. Now I am worried-- what would it be like for my grandchild? She won't remember this one, but eventually she will. If I am in and out of her life, and the trigger for her mom's anger, am I making my grandchild have a harder life? As far as I can tell, I am the main person she takes anger out on. Should I keep a semi distance to minimize this but so my granddaughter knows I exist-- in case she ever needs me? Like, send cards but keep out of her mom's hair?

I am so sad to be missing this time with the baby. She's the sweetest ever. I always wanted to be a grandma. But I have to put her first.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders