My real story

[Isallofthisreal]

Hi everyone, this is my second post, and after reading some of your stories, I'd like to tell you mine, it's going to be a bit long...sorry!

I'm a 35-year-old "guy" with a high-profile job that requires a lot of responsibility (for real). I come from a wonderful family. My parents love each other, there was never any abuse or betrayal, and everything I know about love I learned from them...

I'm in a relationship with a beautiful 25-year-old woman who has a great job at a large company. She comes from an extremely toxic and dysfunctional family, which she identifies as the root cause of her "problems."
Our relationship is trapped in a cycle of "you're the love of my life" followed by "you're the worst person I've ever met."
This cycle has been going on for two years now.

I've seen every red flag since we started dating, but I chose to stay against the advice of my friends who said, "Why don't you run away? You could have anyone, more stable person!"  My mind often agrees with them, my whole body tells me she's the right woman for me.

I've been in therapy since before I met her (my job requires a lot of stability and I decided to seek support five years ago), and she started therapy a year and a half ago to talk about problems with her family, not because of problems with me. Up until then, everything was fine, but then the crises began.
According to her therapist, "I wasn't good for her; not all people are compatible; she should try to repair her relationship with her father," and so she began to reconnect with her family. She became extremely suspicious of me, started checking out women on my social media, and would start arguments based on jealousy strictly arguing she wasn't jealous at all.
She often broke up with me, only to regret it and come back within 12-24 hours. 
After one of these discussions I was completely confused, nothing seemed to make any logical sense, everything seemed the opposite of how I've always lived my life and I ridiculously decided to copy our messages, about 200, and paste them into to Google Gemini with the message "help me understand what's going on?" .. it seems stupid but it was Gemini who told me for the first time about BPD, DBT, splitting and so on.  So I changed my approach, I read 6 books that talked about BPD, I started putting the suggestions into practice and some of them worked sporadically and I also started investigating what she was doing in therapy and I discovered that she was doing EMDR and that the only diagnosis she had was an "anxiety disorder"... I expressed my doubts to my therapist who confirmed that "maybe an anxiety disorder treated with EMDR sounded unusual" without ever talking to me about BPD... so I decided to ask my girlfriend if she wanted to start couples therapy where I made sure the therapist was specialized in BPD.
In the six months of couples therapy, she felt better in the hours following the therapy, she left the room happy, she felt understood, she was enthusiastic but after a few weeks (usually 3) there were some nasty arguments... in the end she decided to end both her individual therapy and couples therapy... officially because it was too expensive (as a old school man, i was paying for the couples therapy) but this decision strangely came after a disappointment at work for which she blamed me partly.

During the last session with the couples therapist, where I was alone, I asked the doctor to be more clear with me because I was convinced my girlfriend had borderline personality disorder. The doctor said that in the six months of therapy she hadn't been able to give a specific diagnosis, but that she also believed that the individual therapy my girlfriend had undergone hadn't been adequate, because she had very strong traits of borderline personality disorder, with ADHD and OCD traits. A psychiatric evaluation, perhaps with pharmacological help, would have been very helpful. She also told me that, given her family history, she was actually lucky: she had never harmed herself, and she didn't have extreme sexual behaviors or substance abuse, but she did have severe emotional dysregulation.

Officially, BPD has never been diagnosed...if it makes any difference

Over the next 4 weeks, we went on vacation and spent quality time together. We started planning to look for a house to rent together, and everything was going well. One day, while we were looking at a house we had our heart set on, we realized it wasn't what we expected, and we were disappointed.
That same day, she was diagnosed with some health issues that required testing, and this was causing her a lot of stress.
That same evening, she grabbed my phone and started scrolling through conversations, opening every chat that had a photo of a woman (sometimes it was colleagues telling me they'd be late for work or asking me work informations, sometimes women I didn't respond to, other times it was my cousin). She ended up with an 8-month-old conversation where I was venting to a woman about "why I'd been dumped even though I'd never cheated on anyone."...in those days I had been dumped and I needed to talk to someone in my same situation. This message sparked the argument.  I was called "half a man, disgusting, a traitor, the worst being in the world" and she threatened me to leave.
Ufortunately I lost control, my body collapsed, I had a panic attack, I punched the car door few times, I pulled my hair, I cried desperately....and in the end I screamed at her with all my lungs to get out of my car and disappear from my life.

I'm really ashamed of this, I'd never lost control like this and I was afraid of hurting myself, maybe hitting a glass or something not because I wanted to... I didn't know who I was anymore. I was desperate... my individual therapist told me a few months ago that I was exhibiting signs of C-PTSD (I slept poorly, I deleted myself from all social media, I quit the gym, I almost never saw my friends and I was often dissatisfied with my life). When I had the emotional breakdown, she changed her attitude, she tried to be there for me but all I wanted was for her to disappear from my life.
I kept telling her like a broken record, "I want to go home, please go away" and so after an hour she eventually got out of the car...

She sent me several messages telling me she apologized for dragging me into her abyss, that she would do anything to restart the relationship, she would resume therapy and that she didn't mean all the things she said.  I haven't replied to any messages, and now after 3 days I feel lost... really... and saying these words is tearing me apart. I don't know what to do.

Sorry if this story is so long... but it's the first time I've written down everything that happened...

 I need to talk.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[stevemcduck]

Hi Brother

I am also an older successful guy who was with a way younger girl with bpd, we had a 17 year age gap.

I have been with mine for 6 years with one major break of 6 months.

It doesn't get any better from my experience. I have been very emotionally devastated in that time and also reacted the way you did a few times which is nothing like the man I used to be. toxic people can bring out the worst in us.

In the end I was violently assaulted and I then realised if thing continued to get worse my life would be in danger. so now im starting a healing journey to detach as I still after everything feel a strong urge to try and get back with her.

what is it that you want to do here, are you wanting to detach or are you still feeling you want her back?

[Isallofthisreal]

Thanks for your message, I hope you find peace again

[Isallofthisreal]

Thanks for your message, I hope you find peace again

[thankful person]

Hi is all of this real,
Welcome to bpd family. I’ve been on and off this forum for five years. But of history I’m in a lesbian marriage with four young children. My wife was diagnosed bpd before we met but denies she still has symptoms. She incredibly stole me from a 15 year relationship where I had emigrated to the other side of the world. I wasn’t happy with him either but fact is I didn’t want to leave him but I was so drawn and addicted to her. We have been together 12 years and married for 8. It’s certainly been a rollercoaster. But with the support of members on here I have managed to single-handedly improve things to the point where my wife presents as sane most of the time and our children seem emotionally stable and happy. There are problems like her not allowing my Mum to see them which is heart-breaking. You can message me if you like. Honestly I can only think of three members on here who had a functional successful relationship with their pwbpd, most were either looking for advice or permanently split, but I haven’t met many of the newer members. Good luck and definitely read “stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist” it’s the best book I read.

[Pook075]

Yeah, welcome to the family and thanks so much for sharing your story.  It's so incredibly hard and I'm really glad you found us.

You ended your post with, "I need to talk."  What specifically would you like to talk about?  Ways to keep the drama to a minimum?  Advice on therapy or a diagnosis?  Whether you should stay in this relationship?

Side note, you posted on the "Bettering a Relationship" section of the site, so the advice others give has to focus on reconciliation.  If that's not what you're looking for, report your own post to a moderator and ask them to move it to a different category (conflicted or detaching).

One thing I did pick up on was that you'd love for her to get a diagnosis, but unfortunately that's not a major help in itself.  What really makes meaningful change is her wanting to get help and take control of her emotions.  It's an uphill battle and it will be the hardest thing she's ever done in her life- most never do take it seriously.  But there is hope.

Additionally, BPD is a mental illness of extreme emotions.  When you're happy it's the best day ever!  When you're sad it's like the entire world is against you in every possible way.  There's rarely a middle-ground, even though that's exactly where our minds function the best.  Your job as a partner is to be like a detective studying the clues- if she's down, make her laugh and tell her how much you love her.  If she's angry, apologize for hurting her feelings and let her know how much she means to you. 

This sounds so basic, so silly almost, that you might think you're already doing that stuff just fine.  But I promise you're not, and it's not because you haven't tried.  This particular mental illness needs positive confirmations constantly because they can become unstable over the smallest of things.  It's like learning a new language in a way.  If you're determined to make things work though, it's a language you must speak fluently to understand her subtle mood changes and what it may lead to if you don't take charge and help her find balance.

I hope that helps and please, ask away with questions!

[Isallofthisreal]

I understand your point about "diagnosis"... what I mean is that in order to undertake the right therapeutic path, it is also important for a therapist to identify the range of dysfunction that a person has. Specifically, my girlfriend has a clear emotional dysregulation, but in a year of individual therapy she has never addressed this problem regardless of what name to give to the "diagnosis". I read with interest the part of the message about "your job as a partner is like being a detective"... this part leaves me a little confused because from what I read on the forum it is very important not to act based on what your partner needs to avoid putting yourself in the role of savior... am I wrong?

[Pook075]

I understand your point about "diagnosis"... what I mean is that in order to undertake the right therapeutic path, it is also important for a therapist to identify the range of dysfunction that a person has. Specifically, my girlfriend has a clear emotional dysregulation, but in a year of individual therapy she has never addressed this problem regardless of what name to give to the "diagnosis". I read with interest the part of the message about "your job as a partner is like being a detective"... this part leaves me a little confused because from what I read on the forum it is very important not to act based on what your partner needs to avoid putting yourself in the role of savior... am I wrong?

I completely understand that a proper diagnosis and the right therapy plan can work wonders...but that's only if your girlfriend actually wants to make changes in her life.  If she's not ready, then not even the best psychiatrists and therapists in the world can make a bit of difference.  Therapy requires real work over time and actually being open and vulnerable...two things BPDs struggle with a lot.

The only person who can make a difference in your girlfriend's mental health challenges is her.  She has to want it and be so tired of her current life that she's willing to do whatever it takes to make real change.  I don't want to discourage you here but very few BPDs put in the work, and never until they're personally ready.

For the detective part, I'm not asking you to solve her problems.  Because here's the thing- the stuff she complains about is not her actual problems.  The real stuff comes from mental illness and it's emotional, so she says and does things to avoid dealing with the destructive thoughts she's having.

For example, if you hit your finger while hammering a nail, there's no telling what you might say in that moment.  Are you speaking pure truth right then?  Probably not, you're cussing at the hammer or the house, whatever.  And that release of energy, as dumb as it is, actually helps you feel a tiny bit better at that instant.  This is how BPDs feel when they think about being abandoned, betrayed, lied to, not valued, etc.  It's an emotional energy burst that feels good in the moment, yet they might regret it a few seconds later.

The detective part I mentioned wouldn't be catering to her every need, it would be recognizing when her mood suddenly shifts and realizing that a "mental hammer" might have just struck down.  So you focus on her feelings, her emotions, and you try to help her level out the disordered thinking.  Now, you have no idea what she's thinking or dealing with...but you can recognize things like angry, sad, or depressed.  So you soothe those emotions until the moment passes.

Why does this work?  She's sad and you help her out of her funk, which validates her feelings and let's her get back to her baseline thinking.  When she's stable and balanced, she thinks just like you or me.  When she's unstable, emotions take over and it's a rollercoaster of toxic thoughts.  Your job is to pay closer attention to the feelings and how your words, body language, and other things effect her in the moment.

This is true whether she goes through the proper therapy or not, she will always have tough moments and she will always be unstable in hard times.  For instance, my BPD daughter takes funerals really, really badly and we have to keep a closer eye on her when someone passes or their passing anniversary comes around.  My BPD ex wife would start to shut down whenever there was other people arguing...even if it was a couple at a restaurant we didn't even know.

For my kid, you can say, "Okay, I see the problem and understand the touchy subject."  But for my ex, it was seemingly out of nowhere and our day would eventually collapse into chaos.  We rarely know the "facts" so we pay close attention to the feelings and understand where they can lead unchecked.

Does that make sense?