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CC43
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« Reply #2 on: May 03, 2026, 04:07:57 PM » |
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Jars,
You've come to the right place. I haven't tried an online therapist, but these boards are extremely helpful in my opinion.
My adult BPD stepdaughter was probably at her worst at around age 23. I think it was because she was bumping up against adult expectations and pressures, and yet she was equipped with the emotional resources of a youngster (think distress intolerance, super-sized emotions, unrealistic expectations, inability to focus or problem-solve, misreading situations, no appreciation of context, no resilience). By that time, her peers had graduated from college for the most part, and they were leading adult lives: starting careers, moving away, living independently, forming romantic relationships, maybe pursuing advanced degrees. Meanwhile, my BPD stepdaughter felt left behind . . . unable to complete college-level work, unable to hold a job for more than a couple of days, unsure of who she was or wanted to become, let alone how to make an adult's life for herself. I think she felt inferior and was deeply shamed about that. Though she could pass the time sleeping, using marijuana and scrolling social media, deep down she knew she was failing at "adulting." But rather than do anything about it, she lashed out at her family, blaming them for all her woes. Eventually she embraced a victim attitude, perceiving everything in her life as trauma. She lashed out at everyone, and as a result she lost all her friends. She was alienated from her entire family (cousins, aunts, uncles included), and the only exception she'd make was her dad and me, because she needed housing and money from us. If any of that sounds familiar, you can take a look at some of my posts in the son/daughter section.
Anyway, your daughter is only 23, she can still turn things around with therapy, provided that she wants to change for the better. You can't force her, she has to be ready. Basically she has to run out of all other options, by hitting bottom. If you enable her to live a dysfunctional life, then my guess is that, though she's miserable, her life is working well enough for her. As long as she has YOU to blame for everything (while you give her money/housing/insurance and/or other types of support), she has little incentive to change. Looking back, I wish my husband hadn't enabled his daughter to persist with such a dysfunctional life for as long as he did. I know it was hard, because he couldn't bear to see her suffer, and he helped her countless times out of love. But at the end of the day, she had to suffer in order to be in a position to accept professional help.
I think that by enabling dysfunction, my BPD stepdaughter suffered years longer than she should have. Basically she was allowed to live with us while NEETT--Not in Education, Employment, Training or Therapy. She was allowed adult freedoms but had zero responsibilities, and that is a bizarro world of mixed-up incentives. I'd advise, if you are supporting your daughter in any way (money, insurance, transportation, housing, logistical or administrative help, tuition, food, etc.), she should be respectful to you, and she should not be NEETT. Also, if your daughter has been highly dysfucntional and NEETT for a while, and she asks you to help her "start over" with a new lease, tuition, etc., my opinion is that helping would actually set her up to fail. To expect her to magically recover, do a 180 and handle full-time pressures without demonstrating some progressive improvement first is delusional. Save your money and energy, or better yet, make her be the one to do most of the work to "start over." She's 23, if she wants to move to another city, enroll in another school, etc., she should be the one to make it happen, not you.
I'm not going to lie, it's a tough road to recovery, but it can happen. In fact, once my stepdaughter started taking therapy seriously, she turned her life around pretty quickly. That doesn't mean everything is perfect, and she has faced some setbacks. But right now her life looks much, much better than it did a few short years ago. Alas, she's still estranged from the entire family right now, but we keep tabs on her through her therapist. From what we hear, she's doing pretty well, and she's making an adult's life for herself. I'm really proud of her for that. I don't think she's quite ready to repair relationships with the family yet, but I'm still hopeful. My guess is that if she starts a "career" job and maybe finds a romantic partner, then she can shed her victim identity for a more positive one. I think that if she does that, then she might let go of the past and start talking to the family again. That's my hope.
Anyway, I'll wrap up with a reminder that this is NOT your fault, no matter how much your daughter tries to convince you otherwise. Also, no contact or low contact can be recommended if you need a break. You don't need to explain it to anyone, just take a break if you need it. Let the calls go to voicemail, and don't read the texts if they are too triggering to you. Rest assured that if your daughter has an emergency, she can dial 911.
Look, your daughter has BPD, and as an adult, it's her responsibility to get professional help if she needs it. You can't "fix" her, no matter how much you'd like to help. Only she can do that.
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