Over a decade together, feeling frozen and conflicted

[ebb401]

Hi everyone,

I’ve been reading posts here for a little while, and finally decided to write something myself.
I’m in my early 40s, and I’ve been with my partner for over a decade. No kids, not married.

Over the last few years, we both started individual therapy, and it’s slowly become clear that there’s a dynamic between us that neither of us really understood before. My therapist helped me realize that I have very strong fawning/freeze responses tied to childhood trauma (my mother could also be very emotionally volatile growing up). Up until a few years ago, I would have said I had a great childhood, but now I understand that I've been greatly affected by my upbringing.

My partner, through her own therapy, has come to understand that she likely has BPD traits. Having researched BPD over the last year or so, I've started to understand my partner more. Similarly, learning more about fawning, I've come to understand things about myself, finally being able to put into words what has been plaguing me for a long time.

The relationship has become a kind of painful push-pull cycle. There are periods where things have felt loving, connected, and hopeful. But then there are also episodes where something relatively small escalates into days of rage, screaming, verbal attacks, threats of leaving, or saying extremely hurtful things. Afterwards, she is often deeply apologetic, ashamed, and emotionally devastated by her own behaviour.

There have also been moments in the past where the intensity crossed into self-harm (or threatening of self-harm) during arguments. Those moments were terrifying for me and have stayed in my nervous system. That part has become less frequent in recent years, but the emotional volatility is still there. Sometimes if the anger is not happening in person, I receive huge floods of angry texts about how much she hates me, my family, how I’ve ruined her life, etc. She threatens to message my family to tell them as much.

At the same time, I also know I’ve contributed to this dynamic in unhealthy ways. I freeze, avoid, delay decisions, and struggle massively with conflict and commitment under pressure. One of the biggest issues in our relationship has been marriage and children. I’ve never been able to fully move forward with proposing, even though we’ve essentially lived like a married couple for years. This has created enormous pain and resentment for her, especially around fertility and feeling like I “wasted her best years" (to quote something she said to me, and even my own family have said to me at some point too).

I carry huge guilt about that.

What makes this confusing is that I genuinely do love her. But I also feel like my nervous system is constantly in survival mode. During conflicts, I often completely shut down mentally. I lose access to my thoughts, can’t articulate myself, and just try to survive the moment. Sometimes I feel terrified of losing her, and other times I feel desperate to escape the intensity entirely.

I think part of why I stayed frozen for so long is because I genuinely couldn’t tell the difference between “I don’t want this relationship” and “I’m so overwhelmed by everything that I can’t tell what I actually want anymore.” That ambiguity has haunted me for years.

I also relate a lot to what people here describe about slowly losing themselves in these dynamics. I’ve become isolated, emotionally exhausted, disconnected from friends, and stuck in a constant state of guilt and hypervigilance. Even small decisions or tasks now overwhelm me. Sometimes I just wish I could get a break from the internal turmoil I’m carrying.

At the same time, imagining an actual conversation about breaking up or separating feels almost impossible. I know from past ruptures that it would likely bring a massive emotional explosion, and I honestly don’t know if I’m mentally capable of handling that right now. I should also add that I live in my partner’s home country (in an apartment her family owns), where I don’t really have family or close friends. So when she has threatened to kick me out during fights, it basically means I have nowhere to go and would be frantically trying to find somewhere to stay. It has never gone that far, because she usually calms down and takes it back, but the realization is that I don’t feel safe or secure in this “home.” A conversation about splitting up would likely lead to being thrown out, or at least to the fear of that becoming very real.

At this point, I honestly don’t know whether this relationship can heal, or whether we’ve both become too damaged inside it. I’m trying to untangle what is trauma, what is avoidance, what is fear, and what is reality.

I think I’m posting because I don’t really have anyone I can openly talk to about this besides my therapist, and reading other people’s experiences here has made me feel less alone. I'm trying to take my therapist's urging to "reach out to people" in some way, but trying to talk to my family or friends about this is difficult.

I welcome any thoughts or suggestions. Perhaps someone else has been in this kind of situation and can perhaps provide some insight.

Thanks immensely for reading and looking forward to connecting more with this community.

[hotchip]

Hey there, lots of care and gentleness to you as you navigate this painful situation.

The first thing that strikes me from your post is that many of the strategies we might use in order to improve a bad relationship, have already been tried. You love each other, yet this is not enough. She is repeatedly

apologetic, ashamed, and emotionally devastated by her own behaviour

yet her behaviour doesn't change. She and you are already in therapy.

Are there any other steps you can think of? If not, it may be reasonable to expect that the way things are in your relationship now, is how they will continue in future, unless you put some distance between yourself and the relationship. At least for long enough to think things through.

So when she has threatened to kick me out during fights, it basically means I have nowhere to go and would be frantically trying to find somewhere to stay.

This seems abusive to me. It is abusive to leverage material and economic power over someone else like this. It entrenches a harmful power dynamic between two people, who should be 'partners', loving equals. You do not deserve this and you deserve to feel safe in your own home.

Do you have family or friends back in your country of origin who might be able to spot you some cash? Do you have savings? It might be worth looking up cheap accommodation options so that you can take time away from this toxic dynamic. Sometimes hostels have discounts for stays over a week. If you are a foreigner, depending on the country you are in, you might be able to volunteer in exchange for a bed, if money is an issue.

I really feel for you. After my uBPDx demanded I leave our shared room, I spent 2 and a half months bouncing between friends' couches in different cities. It was hard, but I have come out the other side, and you can too.