When you do all the right things but still...

[AlwaysAnxious]

It's been a bit since I've written. Things have been SO much better and for that, I'm thankful.  She has self diagnosed as BPD which is good - but still won't get help.  She is 27/f.  I love her so much and it's difficult to see her self destructing.

However we still have splits.  Those splits are terrible -- mean, accusing words, getting out of my car (tries when it's moving) to walk home, and won't tell me where she is but sends me texts about being lost, seeing animals, fear.  These always start at night. Always.  I usually end up sitting outside her house and waiting for her to finally say she is home (sometimes she doesn't and I just end up going home).

Then she doesn't talk to me for a few days.
We work at the same company, different departments, and she rides in with me but today, she is on day 3 of not talking to me and I have no idea if she needs a ride tomorrow.  The other days she worked from home.

I just don't know what/how to do this.  Any suggestions?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

There's such a fine line between being loving and being an enabler.  My BPD daughter is also 27 so I understand completely what you're facing.  Our worst was around 16-21, luckily it's tapered back some with maturity and getting serious about therapy.

Just know that what I'm about to say comes from a place of love, not judgement...okay?

First, you have to get to work and you have a morning routine.  That routine should not include babying your adult daughter who can work from home when she pleases.  Just tell her that unless she asks for a ride in the morning, you won't try to pick her up.  That also means you don't wake her up, you don't see if she's ready, you don't sit in her driveway....if she needs a ride, she asks once she's ready.  If there's enough time, you'll get her on your way.  If she messages too late, there's always Uber.

Likewise, if she wants to walk home, let her walk.  My kid was notorious for doing the same thing several years ago...she'd run away and walk 5-10 miles to a friend's house in a rage.  I used to try stopping her but I eventually realized, why?  Let her go cool off since that stops the arguing and the house/car is calm once again.  I just wouldn't let it bother me anymore.

For the rages, you also have a right to say, "It's time for you to walk or call Uber."  She has a job and she can pay for her own rides if what you provide isn't sufficient.  If you just sit there and take her abuse, it teaches that abusing dad is okay and you should do it more often.  Is that the point you're trying to get across?  If not, then stop just accepting it.  If she's abusive, she can find her own way to work and back.

For the silent treatment, that's better than the abusive treatment at least.  You should do the same when it becomes to much, when she's too hostile.  Let her know that you're taking a break because you're feeling overwhelmed and under-appreciated. 

These types of boundaries will become your best friend over time because they will literally save your sanity.