How do you all respond?

[AlwaysAnxious]

Hi again.

I've read through so many of your posts and wish I had wise words for you - but here I am also asking questions. I wonder if there's ever a time when life becomes "normal" again.

I'm the mom of a 27 year old sdd (self diagnosed daughter) often tells me she wants to die.  I listen. I don't try to argue it, or fix it. I know better now.

When she splits, there's often the same comments so I'd love to know how to respond - or what you guys have tried.

Examples of the two most common that get me every time.  Any advice would be helpful.

Both of these are often in response to me telling her to stop a behaviour (yelling, calling me names, scolding me for something) and she will say "It's always about you, mom, isn't it.  You always have to make it about you" and I will respond (per my therapist) "In this moment, yes, I need to remind you that we need to be respectful to each other" (or something similar.) (this never works btw)  She will ultimately say one of the two following and it shuts me down.  I just don't know what to say or do. 

1. I only don't "do it" (commit suicide), because I don't want to hurt you, dad and my sibling - but since you don't care about me, then I won't care and I'll just go ahead though you won't see it coming.  (she knows I'll call 911 if she says it's imminent)

2. I hope you can live with yourself on the morning you wake up, and I don't, knowing it's your fault.  (This one cuts me so deep...I don't know how to react)

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

1. I only don't "do it" (commit suicide), because I don't want to hurt you, dad and my sibling - but since you don't care about me, then I won't care and I'll just go ahead though you won't see it coming.  (she knows I'll call 911 if she says it's imminent)

2. I hope you can live with yourself on the morning you wake up, and I don't, knowing it's your fault.  (This one cuts me so deep...I don't know how to react)

My BPD daughter said similar things and they were very hard.  Eventually, if she made any kind of threat like that I dialed 9-1-1 and said that she was a threat to herself or others.  When paramedics arrived, I would repeat that phrase over and over again, "She's a threat to herself or others."  Sometimes I'd add, "I don't feel safe with her being in the home right now, not with the way she's acting and the stuff she's saying."

Sometimes, they'd take her away for hours, days, or weeks.  Sometimes, they'd leave while filing a report.  But I did it anyway, every time, when her mood switched to highly disordered and she was screaming, crying, or whichever way the wind blew that day.  If she was truly unhinged, I dialed 9-1-1 every single time...even if paramedics had left 3 minutes earlier.

What quickly happened is that my daughter stopped those types of threats completely, because she wasn't getting what she wanted.  Whether she was truly suicidal or she just wanted to manipulate/hurt me, I really didn't care...I dialed 9-1-1.  And that took that particular weapon out of her arsenal after the 3rd or 4th involuntary hold.

Note that I didn't say, "She's suicidal."  That means she can say, "No I'm not."  Case closed, nothing happens.  By saying, "My kid is a threat to herself or others," now you're making it a mental health emergency that affects your wellbeing and everyone in the home as well.  They have no choice but to take her for an ambulance ride and a psych evaluation. 

She'd often be home the next day, but again, it's not completely about that.  It's about ending those types of threats so they're not weaponized against your family.

[CC43]

Hi,

I lived through a phase of suicidal threats and gestures, some blatant, some thinly veiled ("My life is over / It's hopeless / I don't want to be here anymore"), some projected ("You should be euthanized").  I called it the "nuclear" phase.  Alas, my pwBPD attempted suicide multiple times.  What stopped this behavior?  I think what stopped it was her realization that if she continued to make suicidal threats and gestures which landed her in the hospital, she would be involuntarily committed long-term, and she'd lose her freedoms.  Her doctors and her dad told her as much ("This is serious, if you do this again, you'll lose your freedom").

I think if I were in your shoes, my reaction might depend on the intensity of her mood.  If she's riled up, I might ask, "Are you thinking about committing suicide right now?"  If she responded that she was, I'd dial 911 or take her to the emergency room myself.  If she's reasonably calm, I might ask, "Do you want me to dial 911 and get some help for you?"  If she declined the offer, I think I'd feel better that she wasn't really in distress.  Both of these approaches take her seriously and validate her feelings. 

[Sancho]

Hi AlwaysAnxious
Thanks for your post. I think it’s really helpful to have actual examples – and I have given these a lot of thought.

I ended up working backwards.

It ends with you being totally to blame for causing her to take her life. She sets a scene where you are waking up to this and the consequences for you.

Or the other path would be DD spelling out that she may as well end her life because you don’t care about her in any way. Once again, you are to blame. It is very interesting that DD has blocked off your ability to call 911 because she explicitly says that she will do it without you knowing.

It seems as though the trigger is that you attempt to draw a line in the sand when DD is yelling abuse etc. You try to be just a little assertive – and that opens another avenue of blame etc for DD.

I really smiled when I came to the words ‘It’s all about you – I can’t tell you how many times I have heard those words when I have tried to assert even some other fact than the one my DD is presenting.

I think it is this moment that needs looking at as far as your response goes. Personally I disagree with the therapist in that I think it is predictable how things will go if we intervene with these kinds of statements. I mean intervening in such a huge emotional process.

Things changed for me when I finally realised that all the verbal abuse and blame etc was not about me at all! Once I realised that this is what BPD looks like and my DD was in a total emotional meltdown, that her sense of self couldn’t handle the experience and I was just a safe target to dump on. So years ago I told DD that when she was having strong emotions I would not engage much because it wasn’t fair to her – she needed time to allow the emotions to reset.

I followed through with that – apart from affirmation if I felt it would help and be appropriate. It has been much better and I have appreciated the couple of times DD has said how she hates dumping on me, or telling me to give her space because she is feeling like she is going to dump on me.

To let these outbursts take their course is quite challenging – and believe me my DD’s outbursts against me are just shocking! It is true we can only work on our part in things and I think to focus on yourself is the best solution ie working on things such as:

-   How developed is my own sense of self?
-   What is behind the response I feel to DD’s words? Do I really think I would be responsible? Have I ‘let go’ to the extent where I can see my ‘self’ and life as separate from DD’s
-   Can I hold my sense of self when all this is being thrown at me?
-   Do I know, deep down in my heart, that should DD act on these words that I would not be responsible?

My journey with my DD and BPD has shifted over the many years from desperately wanting to help DD have a happier, more fulfilled life to seeing that all this is a challenge to me – my need to let go, to value my life too – and to know that I can’t really change anyone but myself. This is how I love my DD.

I am not sure all this makes sense but it has been helpful for me.