I am totally lost

[Kuroko]

Maybe i am stupid, but i love her, still the same i really need some advice. There is a chance that she will comeback? I am totally lost, Please, help me.

Hi, I don't really know where to look for help and I don't know where to start, so l'll start from the end.
My ex-partner has borderline personality disorder and is also on the autism spectrum. It's been 4 months since I left her, but I still love her.
We were together for almost 3 years, of which I think we managed to get through 6 major breakups and a lot of smaller ones.
On February 4th of this year, after constant accusations of a lack of love, 1 broke up with her via text message, writing, "I don't want this." She responded by saving I never loved her, that I'd turned her into dust, that she didnt want this, and I meant it. Around the beginning of March, I think, she moved to another country, and at the beginning of April, she set her Facebook status to "in a relationship".
After the breakup, I returned to my passion, streaming. In April, a viewer without an account appeared four times, with a location where she was. Then in May, including once under her own nickname. And again in June, four days in a row.
To give you a full picture of the situation, I will also describe the situations from last year and from January this year.
Last May, after a period of accusations that she didn't feel important to me, she accused me of something terrible, broke up with me, and started posting stories with a friend on Instagram. I tried to get her back, but they ignored her. I focused on myself, and that's when I started streaming, just living. That's when she started appearing on streams, first without an account and later under a different identity. She posted as a different girl, but she shared our story. Then she showed up at my door, leaving me a birthday present. I ran after her, and we ended up getting back together.

Things were quiet until August, when I broke up out of exhaustion. She continued posting about her relationship with her friend, and continued accessing my streams under a different identity. Once she intervened, reminded me of the situation from May, calling me names when I was talking to a friend about love. Eventually, we ended up getting back together.
Things were quiet and even idyllic until October, but then it started again. A series of short breakups, after which 1 ran to get her back, and back again.
In January, she broke up with me over text after I wasn't supportive enough after she lost her job. I took time off work and went to her place, but she wouldn't let me in. I texted her friend and then her, and we arranged to talk, but it didnt go well. She called the police and ran away, accusing me of not being able to love her.
A few days later, she sent me a letter telling me / was the love of her life, that without me, she was shattered into a million pieces and mired in addiction. The letter was a good seven pages of A4 paper. It was also full of accusations and ended with the words, "I will always love you".
" I was afraid that she might hurt herself, so ! told her friend what her problem was, because she thought that I should take care of her in this situation. After two days I received a text message full of longing, after another two full of hatred, and finally she showed up at my door. Of course gave in and let the poor drunk girl in and went back to her place for a rehearsal, which made her very angry.
I could describe many more situations, but I decided to focus on the last year and a half.
I don't understand this situation and her behavior. Given this history and what's happening now, I wonder if there's a risk she'll try to come back?
Post Scriptum: Throughout our relationship, she was incredibly jealous of me, calling me the love of her life, For a while, she had access to my Messenger. And for a long time, until we broke up, she had access to my location on my phone.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ForeverDad]

We've all been there, done that and felt that.  Letting Go of the deep feelings for someone we've struggled to love despite the disorder and the discord is not easy.  It's a process, not an event.  Gift yourself time for your heart to catch up with your brain.

The unfair blaming is hard to process emotionally.  BPD is often referred to as a Blamer's pattern.  On our Books board we even have mention of William Eddy's "It's all Your Fault!".

It's very sad, but you can't fix her.  She would have to be determined to fix herself and that typically requires meaningful therapy sessions over years.  The conundrum is that people with BPD traits have an intense level of Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting.  Add to that the ever changing moods and perceptions... that's why Borderline PD is typically stated as one of the most difficult to deal with.

That she called the police indicates, despite your long history together, she's willing to raise the level of conflict into the legal consequences realm.

We can't say whether she will come back.  A better question to ask yourself is whether you would accept that resuming the relationship without her attaining a measure of recovery with therapy would almost surely resume the discord and emotional pain.

If she doesn't change and improve herself, then you must accept that.  Browse, read, ask, share... by educating yourself you can be better prepared to handle whatever future lies before you.

[Pook075]

I don't understand this situation and her behavior. Given this history and what's happening now, I wonder if there's a risk she'll try to come back?

First, welcome to the forum and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you've been through this and you've come to the right place.  I ended up here in very similar circumstances and thousands of others have as well.  It's always the same pattern.

What you're seeing in these breakups is typical BPD behavior.  At the start of relationships, everything is incredible because they mirror your energy, things you like, hobbies, foods, etc.  It's the perfect relationship because they think everything you do is perfect for them. 

Hopefully you can see the lie in that- I'm sure you're a great guy and all, but none of us are perfect.  We all have faults and weaknesses.  And once the BPD realizes that, they don't think, "Huh, I was over-thinking how perfect they are..."  Instead, they think, "They lied to me and deceived me!  They're nothing like I thought they were."  That's the mental illness aspect of this.

Then there's the self-doubt and the self-sabotage.  They feel "less than" so they assume you'll probably leave them.  So they fixate on that until they suddenly decide, "I'd better leave them before they break my heart."  It feels out of nowhere because it actually is...and it can happen over the smallest of things or nothing at all.  Again, this is the mental illness whispering in the back of their mind.

Eventually, they get to the point of no return and think the opposite of "he's perfect!".  Their minds tell them that you're out to hurt them, you've never loved them, and you have the worst of intentions.  Again, this is not true....nobody is perfect, nobody is a complete monster either.  It's mental illness throwing things in a spiral throughout the relationship, through the good and the bad moments.

Each time you broke up, this pattern started all over again.  You're perfect.  You tricked them.  You're going to dump them.  You're the worst person on Earth.  And each repeat of this cycle, it tends to happen faster and faster because of the mental illness. 

My ex broke up with me the final time after an incredible night together- it was virtually perfect and we had an amazing time.  Yet the next morning, she said that she was leaving and wouldn't ever return.  It doesn't make a bit of sense through a rational mind, but through BPD it makes perfect sense due to her disordered thinking and self-sabotage.

You want to reconcile.  Great!  The conversation here should be about breaking this pattern.  To do that, it requires a different form of communication and it takes some time to really get it down pat.  We can talk about that at another time since I don't want to make this first post too long.

[Heartbroken 40s]

My unknown friend this is a horrible shared experience, and you are doing the right thing.  Keep researching keep reading.  For this is exactly what everyone who loved and loves a person with BPD goes through, absolute heartbreak and emotional roller coasters.  They love you, they hate you, they believe imagined thoughts and feel they are real, for feelings are facts and facts are a false narrative.   You CANT convince them otherwise,  you can't "prove" your love, as the proof gets more and more demanding.   My ex wanted me to destroy myself to prove I loved her.  They have an empty cup with holes at bottom, and no matter how much love you pour in, it's never enough.   For one small no or even nothing at all, and they will imagine the worse then believe it.  It's tragic, it horribly sad, for the trauma they been through you know all they want is love, but love can't help this, only years of therapy.  They have deep fear of abandoment, and deep fear of actual stable real love and commitment, for their past especially childhood taught them that is severely dangerous, you can't help them outta this.  They will destroy your spirit and heart the longer you try, for you will empty your entire self and they will discard you anyways when you have nothing left.  They truly can't handle guilt, it wrecks them in their deepest core, so they will rewrite history in their head, forget all the good you've done, and blame or be angry or straight up make you a narcissist in their head.  Over time, they will cause you so much trauma that your reality gets skewed, you wont even know your own self.  What makes it so hard is you saw the beautiful loving side of them, so you think there's a chance of normal relationship.  But they have more sides than that and there's no changing it.  It truly is 1 day is the beutiful person you love the next a monster.  All you can do is love and care from afar and truly take care of yourself, you can't love or care for them out of the illness.  The only chance is years of therapy. And even that will drain you but if you truly love them, it's worth it but they must stay in therapy otherwise your killing yourself for someone who will eventually split and discard.