Is this also a BPD trait?

[Snoopy737]

Hiya, Elderly mom, not diagnosed, but in several posts back in time, I sounds much like it.

She's alone, and I have done lots for her, since my dad died.  Now she's very appealing about the old carpet in the living room.

Normally I help only so much, that she can have succes with the project, bc she has huge standards especilly around home decorations, and the same time, at the same time  she's acting very appealing and helpless, so I have to question into the process.

Actually, I couldn't care less how the process is done and by whom, so I just try to remember what she says she want and don't want.

The living room wall-to-wall carpet is 40 yo and it gives her a lot of allergies, because 40 years of dust lies deep within it. That's fair enough.

Now I have interviewed her about what carpet she want and found out who she want it from and promised to drop by the days the carpet guys are visiting. That's ok too.

But when we're going to set an exact date to start this project, she gets a very negative attitude and when I suggest a month, it couldn't have been worse for her. She's in her late 80s and has nothing she has to do. Every day is an empty retirement day for her. But when I suggest a date, she always wanna postpone it. if we talk about it at fall, it can't be before Christmas, after New Year it has to be in the spring, and now in the summer I suggested doing it, remove the furniture for her together with the carpet-people and kind of getting it over with, so she doesn't have to go through the summer thinking so much about it. And she does. She sees everything that could possible go wrong. So after finally sketching a carpet-change-plan with her, she reacts like I'm pressing her into something she absolutely don't want. And I mean, it was her idea alone.

So now the new carpet is postponed to late summer or fall, not the best time, because at summer we can move some of the furniture out door, while the guys put on the carpet. but no.

She does this with everything that has to planned, and where I as her son of cource wanna help her out. So I kind of have to progress every plan in micros steps, hoping that she don't reach her limit, where she want the project postponed or halted.  I already can see the circus when summer gives place to fall, bc that's when she wants a en telly.

is this reaction where a person wants help, acts helpless and when people finally offer to help that person has so many requirements and then the person pulls the handbrake everytime we're rolling just a tiny bit, is that in any way, shape or form connected to BPD, or is it just another trait that just deflates my energy to help?

All best and thanks

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Snoopy737]

Hiya, Elderly mom, not diagnosed, but in several posts back in time, it sounds much like it.

I'm her son. She's alone, and I have done lots for her, since my dad died.  Now she's very appealing about the old carpet in the living room she want changed.

Normally I help only so much, that she can have succes with the project, bc she has huge standards especially around home decorations, and the same time, at the same time  she's acting very appealing and helpless, so I have to question her into how she want the process.

Actually, I couldn't care less how the process is run and by whom, so I just try to remember what she says she want and don't want and then make a plan from that.

The living room wall-to-wall carpet is 40 yo and it gives her lots of allergies, because 40 years of dust lies deep within it. That's fair enough. Now I have interviewed her about what carpet she want and I found out who she want to buy it from, and I've promised to drop by the days the carpet guys are visiting. That's ok by me too.

But when we're going to set an exact date to start this project, she takes a very negative attitude, and when I suggest a month, it couldn't have been worse for her.

She's in her late 80s and has nothing she has to do. Every day is an empty retirement day for her. But when I suggest a date, she always wanna postpone it. if we talk about it at fall, it can't be done before Christmas, after New Year it has to be in the spring, and now in the summer I suggested doing it: remove the furniture for her together with the carpet-people and kind of getting it over with, so she doesn't have to go through the summer thinking so much about it. And she does. She sees everything that could possible go wrong. So after finally sketching a carpet-change-plan with her, she reacts like I'm pressing her into something she absolutely don't want. And I mean, it was her idea alone.

So now the new carpet is postponed to late summer or fall, not the best time, because at summer we can move some of the furniture out door, while the guys put on the carpet. but no.

She does this with everything that has to planned, and where I as her son of cource wanna help her out. So I kind of have to progress every plan in micros steps, hoping that she don't reach her limit, where she want the project postponed or halted.  I already can see the circus when summer gives place to fall, bc that's when she wants a new telly. And that could take some time to learn all the new menues in a new smart TV, where she's used to a year 2000 telly.

is this reaction connected to BPD:  where a person wants help, acts helpless and when people finally offer to help that person has so many requirements and pulls the handbrake everytime we're rolling just a tiny bit? Is that in any way, shape or form connected to BPD, or is it just another trait that just deflates my energy every time I wanna help her?

I'll just mention that I don't do everything she wants in her old house. I did that for years, but now I ask her in a nice way if she can book a local electrician, carpenter, gardener etc.  But she is 88 and is becoming a little scared of having new people in her home, and I can understand that part, when your elderly and can't walk proporly.

All best and thanks

[Notwendy]

is this reaction where a person wants help, acts helpless and when people finally offer to help that person has so many requirements and then the person pulls the handbrake everytime we're rolling just a tiny bit, is that in any way, shape or form connected to BPD, or is it just another trait that just deflates my energy to help?

All best and thanks

I don't know if it's with all pwBPD but it was like this with my elderly BPD mother.

I think one reason they resist the help with a problem is due to their feeling like a victim. If the problem were solved, then they'd not be one. But if the problem was solved, sometimes she'd find something I did or didn't do that upset her.

I agree- it's demoralizing. I had boundaries but I did want to be of help to my mother, but it seemed that even when I did do something to help- she'd sabotage it or change her mind.

One long term one was her being upset about things in the house. I had some items from college still there. She complained about them, so I took them out of the house. As I was walking to my car, she ran after me yelling at me to not take anything out of her house.

After my father passed away, she mentioned wanting to downsize and again, was upset about all the things in her house. I offered to take them, some were of sentimental value, but each time I offered, she refused to let me have them.

I offered to rent a truck and a storage unit and take what she didn't want. But each time I went in my car, she changed her mind, so I decided I didn't want to go through renting a truck and having her do that again.

Meanwhile she would say she wanted to downsize but nobody will help her do that.

[Notwendy]

Another aspect was a need for control. If she wanted help- it had to be done the way she wanted it. So, if it was sorting out some things for her- she needed to be there to discuss and manage each item. A task that might take 20 minutes would take hours in this process.

We would visit and BPD mother would say she wanted us to come help her with some tasks. But when we got there- she'd change her mind, say she didn't feel up to it, and little got done.

I think another aspect of this may have been fear of abandonment. If she didn't need tasks done, if we completed them, or if we had the sentimental items we wanted- would we still visit?

That is not the reason we visted. I didn't want her to think we were only visiting to get things and made a point of saying "we are here to see you, not to get anything". If she offered to let us go through her things and see what we wanted, I refused to even look at them.

I also wonder if the things in the house represented some security for her? Like for your mother, the idea of someone coming into the house and taking her carpet has another emotional meaning? Or just the fact that if they are there doing that, she would feel out of control.