New to msgbrd- 21D says she wants to kill me

[Mom2BPDdaughter]

Hi first time on the site. I found it after searching for help because my 21DD with BPD ADHD ASD and severe depression has threatened to kill me. This is a new low in our relationship and I’m scared for what this could mean for both of us.

I am told by family and professionals to set more boundaries and consequences. She has a psychiatrist, is on loads of meds, has attended DBT training twice, has started counselling again:

She lives with me and my boyfriend of 10 years who is the most dad she has, in a safe and stable alcohol and drug free home where she has a semi private apartment just for her. We are alcohol and drug free, home bodies. She has other local family supports. We try to prioritize meeting her needs while still living our lives.

Things have been getting steadily worse lately. I’m losing hope and I don’t know what to do. Reading the posts here I can see I have it easier than some but that there is no model for how BPD impacts your loved one or yourself.

This threat to me is shocking. I caught her in a lie, calmly noted it, and it has brought this crisis point on with this new threat to my safety. I am scared to leave her alone, I’m also scared to be alone with her.

I have sacrificed so much, cared for and loved her so much, I don’t know how we got here. I don’t know how to move forward. I feel like an utter failure as a parent, nothing I do helps, nothing I do for her will ever be enough. I am exhausted from the years of fighting with her and then fighting for her. I defend her to others, try to help them understand she’s not well, support her and forgive her but now I want to give up, run away, stop existing. I need this not to be my whole life. It comes between me and everyone, my job, my relationship.

I didn’t intend to make this a venting session or dump I’m just all out of hope and I have no idea what to do next. I feel so alone.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family!  Venting sessions are perfectly welcome here and everyone understands your frustrations.  I was where you're at now maybe 6 or 7 years ago feeling the exact same way.  And like you, I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't keep being the rescurer and the persecutor and the victim depending on what time of the day it was.

Boundaries and consequences are the name of the game, because your kid needs to learn right from wrong.  You can do that lovingly sometimes, but other occasions require a different approach where your needs are bigger than your daughter's. 

For instance, if my daughter threatened my life, I'd dial 9-1-1.  Whether she was serious or not doesn't matter, because there's a lesson to be learned there.  You just don't do that to people (much less the people who are providing for you).

You mentioned things have been worse lately.  What's changed?  It could be things in your life or things in her life.  And it might not be bad changes either, this could just be push-back.

[CC43]

Hi Mom,

You've come to the right place.  You are not alone.  You are also not to blame, no matter how much your daughter is trying to convince you otherwise.  You didn't cause BPD, and you can't cure it, either.  Your daughter is the one with the problem, and she's also the one with the solution!  The rub is, she has decide to get some help (and take it seriously) so that she can start to feel better.  And typically that happens after she hits bottom, when getting help seems like the only remaining option.

I understand that things probably feel like they are reaching a crisis point right now.  I haven't dealt with dealth threats from the pwBPD in my life.  That is serious.  And if you are scared, that is serious, too.  Yet I can't help but think that your daughter is projecting her ill feelings onto you.  My guess is that if she says she thinks you should die, that's code for how she thinks about herself.  My adult BPD stepdaughter would say things like, "You're horrible, you're a miserable excuse for a human, you should be euthanized."  Again, that's all code for how she thinks about herself.  But I'd say, that's a different tone than a direct threat to kill me.  I wasn't ever really scared of my pwBPD, I was more scared FOR her.  Nevertheless, if your daughter is actively threatening you, I think you should call 911.  Also, you should try to record the incident, because there's a real risk that when the cops come, your daughter will flip the script and say YOU were the one threatening HER.  That sort of thing happened in my family, and it's a common occurrence on these boards, too.

Having written all that, I can't help but be an optimist.  First off, BPD is treatable.  That's the first thing I read when I Googled it after learning of my adult stepdaughter's diagnosis.  That gave me some hope.  Secondly, your daughter has YOU.  I have no doubt that you are her strongest ally in the treatment journey, because you're her mom, you're in your daughter's life, and you're here.  Thirdly, your daughter is young.  She can turn her life around before BPD completely derails it.  If she's not self-medicating with illicit substances, that's a big plus, too.  Once my adult BPD stepdaughter started taking therapy seriously and quit marijuana, she turned her life around pretty quickly, in a couple of years.  Though there were some setbacks, and though she still struggles, her life looks much, much healthier than it once did.  I'm not fearing for her life on a daily basis anymore, and I'm cautiously optimistic for her.

It seems to me that the 20s are probably the worst for BPD.  My theory is it's because your daughter is bumping up against an adult's world with adult-level stresses, but with the emotional skills set of a youngster.  She has challenges with extreme, black-and-white thinking, which is overwhelmingly negative.  Her expectations remain as a youngster's--to be cared for, catered to and be the perennial center of attention--setting herself up for constant disappointment.  She has low distress tolerance, low patience, low resilience.  She doesn't really know who she is or what she wants, making it hard for her to pick a major or a path for her future.  Without the scaffolding which middle school and high school provided, she's having trouble managing her schedule on her own.  She can't really fathom planning or working towards long-term goals.  She demands way too much devotion and attention from friends, and acts out when she's not getting it.  She throws tantrums, which in an adult seem totally unwarranted and out of place.  Since she's erratic, she experiences losses--quitting school, quitting jobs, quitting relationships, quitting on herself--which induce intense feelings of shame and anger.  Let me guess:  Your daughter is sleeping most of the days away?  Does her room look like a mess?  Is she eating junk?  Is she doom-scrolling on her phone all the time?  Is she neglecting her hygiene?  Her room is a mess, her body is a mess, her life is a mess--I think all of that is a manifestation of her messed-up thinking.  Her negative emotional turmoil has practically hijacked her brain.

To cope, your daughter embraces a victim mindset.  She feels constantly traumatized, by life and everyone in it.  It's not just one person (an ex boyfriend, an absent dad)--she thinks everyone traumatizes her.  I've written here before that I think the victim mindset is the worst part of BPD, because it basically renders her helpless.  She's so busy blaming everyone else that she feels powerless over her own life.  Instead of working on herself, she's re-writing history into a convoluted victim narrative.  My theory is that the farther back in history she goes (dredging up negative incidents from early childhood), the more frightened she is about the present and the future.  Why does she do this?  It's all a deflection from her current issues.  She's basically saying, it's YOUR fault her life sucks, because she had a terrible childhood, and you OWE her to fix it.  Does that sound about right?

OK, so where does that leave you?  Probably exhausted, fearful, resentful, distressed, grieving, financially strained, lacking energy, with faltering relationships, maybe angry too, with a touch of PTSD.  You might feel like you're living with an emotional terrorist, because your daughter has gone nuclear, with threats of suicide and violence, and she's MAD (threatening mutually assured destruction).  You're wondering what you did wrong, why you're here, why nothing seems to work, why things only seem to get worse.  We get it.  My message to you today is, you're a great Mom, you didn't cause this.  You deserve to take care of yourself first.  You're no good to your daughter if you're a basket case operating in a FOG of fear, obligation and guilt.  My advice is, take a break today.  Give yourself some grace.  Allow yourself some space not to worry about your daughter today.  Do something nice for yourself--take a walk, take a relaxing bath in candlelight, meditate, journal, listen to some music, call a friend, practice a hobby for half an hour, stretch, whatever self-care looks like for you.  You deserve to reclaim your life, and that should start today, OK?  This is a journey of baby steps, and I think you should take one today.

Please feel free to come back and share more.  All the best to you.