Does yours gravitate toward MUCH OLDER men/women as BF/GF?

[BioAdoptMom3]

I am trying to figure out if this is a bipolar thing, a BPD thing or just plain old low self esteem. DD17 is diagnosed with bipolar and BPD traits. She is also adopted (and DH thinks she may be trying to replace her missing birth father). The age of consent here is 18 and this jerk is 55 (no, that is not a typo)!  He is being investigated for trafficking by both the local PD and the Center for Missing and Exploited Children as well as by our narcotics division for not only possessing narcotics, but giving them to a minor and possibly selling them. He is giving her weed and cigarettes and buying new clothes for her in exchange for sex. She has no job, has asked us to save her allowance and put it in the bank so she can move out as soon as she turns 18 so she certainly has no money for these things. She doesn't hang out with anyone else. Both have denied the sex to the police though a girl who used to live there with the 27 y/o roommate has shared and verified this info with the PD. She does not live there, but might as well because she is only home at night (she is in a GED program in the mornings, but almost done, so that means probably more time with him soon).  I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced this with your child and if it is more common than I realized?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tristesse]

Bioadoptmom,
I hear your plea. I also feel your pain and worry. This man should definitely know better, and be better, but we all know there are all kinds of scary individuals in this world, and it's almost impossible to protect our children from them.
The behavior is something I tend to hear about from other parents with teen BPD kids, it's not always with an older individual, but it is a common behavior. This man is making your daughter feel good about herself, he gives her things, and her young naïve brain sees it as love. He pays attention to her, something everybody craves but especially a BPD person.
Some learn what the real deal is and out grow this behavior, and therapy doesn't hurt with that task, and then you have those, like my own daughter ( age 33 ) who never really outgrow that desire for constant attention and material things.
It is not at all hopeless. Your DD is still young, she has lots and lots of time to get better. I can not tell you what to do or how to handle this situation, but I can tell you what I would do, and I would eliminate her contact with this man, if that means taking away her freedom for now, then I would do it. If it means taking her cell phone and car, I would do that too. Sometimes we have to be tough and make them hate us temporarily to protect them.
Good luck to you. Take care.

[BioAdoptMom3]

Thank you for your thoughts, which make total sense with the need for attention and material things! Thank you most especially for your sincere empathy!  I would love to eliminate contact with him, but we have not for the following reasons:

We live 2 miles down the road. She has a skateboard and a bike and there are plenty of times when no one else is home.

She has threatened to run away if do not allow her go there. We had to weigh our options - there during the day and home at night in her own bed (she does abide by curfew) or on the streets, or worst case - she runs to him and he takes off with her in his truck.

If we take her phone we will lose contact with her. She has no car. She has no job and there is no way we will co-sign for a child who in addition to BPD has bipolar and is currently in a state of mania.

We are just praying the police will be able to complete this investigation with proof that we are in a trafficking situation because that gets a life sentence (biggest problem though is that they are going to have to be caught in the act or she is going to have to get mad at him for some reason and rat him out). The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children has been very helpful and we are grateful that we have their involvement. 

[tristesse]

I am really glad you have the help of law enforcement and the center for missing and exploited children. I am also glad that they are doing all they can to get rid of this sick vile man. You are truly in a catch 22 with your daughter, being home with no supervision during the day... .it does open the door to opportunity for her. I am glad that she does abide by the curfew rules, and does come home at night. At least you have that.
Does your daughter open up and talk to you? Does she share her thoughts and feelings with you? I am asking, because that could be an opportunity for you to sneak in and help her find her way back to what she should be doing. My DD was never very open when she was young, and it was very difficult to gage her thought process. I am in a better place with her now, so I can sort of see where her mind is going and can usually turn it around before she is too far gone on the wrong path.( not always though ).
Try just listening and being impartial when she does talk to you. I found that if I was aloof and just really displayed no emotion or gave no idea as to what I thought about her behavior, she eventually came to her senses. still today, she will ask me about something that I should have a very strong opinion about, but I just say things like, I don't know, I haven't really thought about it much. Or , I haven't ever really been in that situation, so I'm really not sure how I would react, or what I would do. When she pushes by saying , well what do you THINK you would do.  I say something like, well, I'm certainly not you, but hypothetically I think I would... .I always end it by telling her she has to make her own decisions, and she has to live with the result of that decision. I remind her that she knows the difference between right and wrong, and she also knows she has to take responsibility for herself. I remind her again that we are not the same person, so the situation is hers to deal with.
Sometimes it actually works out the right way, but when it doesn't and she wants to be mad at me about it, I remind her of the conversation and that I made sure she understood the choice was hers not mine, and that consequences would also be hers and not mine.
I pray that everything works out for you and your daughter. Best of luck, take care.