autosexual or auto eroticism. ... ?

[Crumbling]

I've been studying my BPD hubby, and doing some research, and have decided that my husband of almost 13 years suffers from "autosexual"... .or auto eroticism. ... .I'm not clear of the definitions as of yet... .
   "Suffers from"... .that is definately a reflection of my own experience in the matter.

All I know is that his sexual arousal centers on himself more than me.  It's hard to take, and my research has left me wondering if most men that are this way are alone... .because there is no help out there for partners of these typer of men.  I'm lost.  Any suggestions?  

[Larmoyant]

Hi Crumbling, I wasn’t sure what those terms meant at first and had to look them up. Having read a little I can imagine that this would make you feel highly rejected. Have you discussed this with your husband and what has he said?

[Grey Kitty]

Is this something you've decided fits your husband, or is it something he's identified and has spoken to you about?

I'm thinking that talking to him about would be a really bad idea, or a risky one depending.

[Crumbling]

I let him read an article on the subject.  Most info says it's normal, okay, and even preferable as a personal choice, giving the person the freedom to not rely on others.  And that was the focus on the article I shared.  He admitted he may exhibit the 'basic' description in the article.
But again, NO info out there on being the partner of one who is autosexual.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm inclined to agree that it isn't a problem... .for somebody without a partner who wants their r/s to include sex.

When it comes to BPD, the intimacy and feeling of connection that is a part of sex (or at least a part of what I consider good sex!) is just one more form of intimacy that they cannot handle well, and find ways to sabotage, intentionally, knowingly, or not.

I've read quite a few stories here of people whose partners limit sex to very rarely, like a few times a year... .Their partner may be asexual, autosexual, painting them black, or withholding sex as a form of punishment, but the result is pretty similar.

People also have differing levels of libido, and some people just want more sex than others do. A miss-match in a couple causes conflict and stress... .some people resolve that well; pwBPD usually tend toward worse results toward resolving it.  

Perhaps resources for dealing with those situations that have the same result will find you more resources or ideas?

Anyhow... .I've not been in a r/s with somebody who fits this description. I can imagine it being difficult though.

Specifically what about it is difficult for you?

[Crumbling]

The biggest effect is on my self-esteem.   I feel less desirable,  and well,  more unattractive than I've ever felt before in my life.  It's hurtful.

I've always thought of myself as having a healthy sex drive.   Not dependant, but with a healthy curiosity,  and appreciation of the connectedness and sensations it provides.
 Now, I just don't know what is healthy anymore... .

[Grey Kitty]

  That is tough. I really feel for you.

The only constructive/healthy thing I can suggest is trying not to take it personally.

I mean... .the easiest ways to feel desirable and attractive would be to have a relationship with a guy who is interested in you, or have other guys flirt with you or hit on you, etc.

And if you are married to and living with your BPDh, that isn't going to go very well!