Wife doesn't eat unless I prepare the food

[xios]

Hello, there is this difficult situation I have been facing, wife basically makes herself hostage by not eating unless I prepare the food.

She goes out of the house for her day without eating breakfast, and in the streets unless I send money for her to eat in an expensive fine restaurant she likes going to, she just starves through the day, by the end of the day she messages me telling me she is dizzy since she didn't eat anything.

I have tried preparing food for her, but since my schedule is very full, including due to other responsibilities she dropped on me, like working to pay all the bills and caring for our toddler when not in daycare, not always I can prepare that, since in the morning she doesn't wait until I made something for her to eat, she leaves before that, citing she is very busy and has a lot to do and can't waste time waiting for food to be ready.

And in the times I did prepare food, in time, for her to eat and also to take with her, 30% of the times she just brought back the food intact when she arrived home by the end of the day saying she didn't have time to eat or just didn't like the food, while complaining she is starving. She is a picky eater.

She says if she is dizzy and causes a car accident while driving it will be still my fault and I will have to deal with the fallout myself, like stopping my day to go rescue her and our toddler and also paying for damages and all that.
I do have car insurance, but still there could be additional liabilities.

I did say I don't her to hold herself hostage like that, and some days I did not send money and she just starved. Other days she just eats random garbage with money she earns, which isn't much, like sweet popcorn.

I'm trying to not be responsible for that but she just seems to be intent on escalating this further and further, making it as damaging as she can, the more I tell her to organize herself and that I can't help her if she has such a disorganized routine.

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[xios]

And of course she blames me for her disorganized routine, while doing things like visiting her family members at the wrong time even if I advise her to come home for chores like preparing food.

Somehow I'm responsible for her "not having time" and "being too tired".

[ForeverDad]

People with BPD traits (pwBPD) are well known to exhibit many negative traits including Blaming, Blame Shifting, emotional dysregulation (rants and rages), and so much more.  They resist responsibilities, consequences and boundaries of behavior.

What are ways to deal with that?  One not very intuitive is regarding Boundaries.  Since they generally resist boundaries, then the alternative is for us to assume the boundary placement.  How so?  Our boundaries are how we respond to poor, unhealthy or dysfunctional behavior.  Our Tools & Skills workshops board has several topics dealing with Boundaries.

If I were to make my simplest example of a general framework, it might be something such as this: "If you do or don't ___ then I will do or not do ___."  Some specific response/boundary concepts might be:

• If you leave before I have prepared food for you then you are responsible for buying food or waiting until your return to eat.
• If you continue to rant or rage then I will take the children (so they are not exposed to conflict) and we will go to the park or go grocery shopping and return when you have reset and have calmed.

It won't be easy to establish new and better patterns, there will be pushback known as extinction bursts where the other tries to force you to retreat to past appeasing patterns.

[Notwendy]

I'm sure it was difficult to post this issue, and while it appears that your previous post about money is a different topic- both these issues are versions of the same dynamic. Your wife wants something- and when she makes threats, accusations, and even some self harming behavior- this affects you emotionally, because you care about her. You give in, and it reinforces the behavior she has which gets her what she wants.

To say "no" in the face of possible escalation is difficult. Giving in may temporarily ease the issues for you. If this was a "one and done" concession, and it led to some long term peacefulness between the two of you, I'd be for it. The problem is, it doesn't fulfil her wishes for long. You are compromised financially, emotionally and physically by the situation.

Unfortunately- we can not change another person. As much as you wish your wife would "see the light" and think more responsibly- she is who she is, and she wants what she wants, and has ways to get what she wants. For her there's no incentive to change even if she could. This is working for her.

BPD also can include emotional immaturity. Refusing to eat is a toddler MO. Toddlers seek autonomy and yet are under parental control. However, they can control what they put in their mouths and so, parents might bed, cajole the toddler to eat, and the toddler is in control.

Hunger though is a survival instinct and if the toddler is hungry enough, they will eat what is given to them. If the parent gives in to the toddler's demands for sweets, they will eat sweets. The job of the parent is to say no to sweets and offer healthy food, even if the toddler pitches a fit.

Your wife is an adult and adults are responsible for their own bodies- so functions like eating, drinking enough fluids, brushing teeth, taking a bath- these are adult responsibilities. A boundary is deciding what is mine, what is someone else's. Your body is yours, your wife's is hers. It is not your responsibility to decide what she eats or if she eats.

You are responsible for feeding yourself and your child, and so, your wife isn't reliable about preparing food. You then will need to prepare food for you and your child. It's not much different to prepare enough food for 3 as it is for 2. Go ahead and prepare your meals for you, your child and your wife but it's up to her to eat it or not. She does not get money to eat out at a restaurant as you can't afford that. My advice is to stay out of this decision. If she doesn't eat, she doesn't eat. If she gets too dizzy to drive, then she can't drive. If she's not safe with the child, then don't leave the child with her.

If she chooses to eat sweets and popcorn, she will then deal with the consequences of that - however, another possibility is, if you take yourself out of the food and eating decisions all together- she then may find it doesn't get a reaction out of you and so will realize this doesn't work for her. She may even decide to eat some food on her own.

Sometimes changing behaviors requires some support and therapy. It seems counterintuitive that you would be in therapy while she has the disorder, but it can be helpful to the person dealing with this at home, that being you.

[CC43]

She says if she is dizzy and causes a car accident while driving it will be still my fault and I will have to deal with the fallout myself, like stopping my day to go rescue her and our toddler and also paying for damages and all that.
I do have car insurance, but still there could be additional liabilities.

OK, I understand how pwBPD can be extremely needy and demanding, but this seems ridiculous to me.  A monkey can peel a banana with no assistance, and so can your wife.  Billions of adults are really busy with jobs, childcare, chores and such, and yet they find a way to prepare meals and snacks every day.  Geesh, I made my own lunches and packed my own lunchbox at a very young age, like age 8 or 9--typically a peanut butter sandwich, a thermos of milk, an apple or grapes or raisins or carrot, and a cookie for dessert.  If a monkey can peel a banana and a 9-year-old can pack their own basic lunch for school, so can your wife.  It's just that she chooses not to.

To take things further, your wife is claiming dizziness and threatening to have a car accident, while blaming you for it.  This is a new level of weaponized incompetence in my opinion.  But what pwBPD want and crave is validation and understanding.  And you're not a doctor, right?  I think if I were in this situation, I might try radical acceptance, and agree with her 100%.  I might say, Yes darling, I agree, you're not fit to drive if you're dizzy and fear you'll get in an accident.  That sounds dangerous--I wouldn't want you to get hurt, or to hurt anyone else.  I'm sorry you're feeling so poorly all the time, you need to take the bus home.  I'll pick you up at the bus station.  Then, when we get home, I'm taking the keys to the car, and I'll keep the keys safe until you're able to deal with your dizzy spells, and I can trust that you won't have an accident, because that would be horrible.  Don't worry, I'll retrieve the car this weekend.  I believe you, and I'm taking it seriously because like you said, I'm responsible.  I'm your spouse, and I don't want anything bad to happen to you, especially something as serious as a car accident.  So until you sort out your dizzy spells, with a doctor if you have to, I think you should take the bus/Uber/train/carpool.  Your safety comes first.  I couldn't stand it if you had an accident that I could have prevented, because you're having dizzy spells.  I don't want you driving when you feel unwell and unsafe, OK?  Let's focus on your health and make sure you sort out your dizzy spells as soon as possible.

If your wife is feigning illness (or making herself ill on purpose) to try to get you to "drop everything" and take care of her like a child, then my advice is to slow walk, which is my technique for being available, but not immediately.  That way, you give her time and space to try to sort things out for herself.  You don't "drop everything" or even respond to her desperate calls or texts right away.  You are available, just not instantly.  You deal with her, but you don't rush and you don't gush; you try to stay as neutral, deliberate and non-emotional as possible.  If she wants you to pick her up and drive her home, or be her short-order cook, well, you might do that, but she has to wait a while, until you're ready.  Chances are she'll calm down, find another solution or sort things out all by herself (as she should).

PS, if your wife is a picky eater, then that probably makes things easier, not harder.  Picky eaters typically have a very limited range of foods they'll eat--cereal, pasta, pizza, chicken nuggets, burgers, soda, ice cream, etc.   If the only protein she'll eat is chicken nuggets, then consider serving nuggets for breakfast.  More protein earlier in the day can make one feel fuller for longer.  I don't love processed foods, but your wife might like something like a protein shake in the morning or for lunch.  That would take a minute to mix in a bottle, or maybe five minutes with a blender.  

[ForeverDad]

I was watching a video where a doctor explained that a young man ate only chicken nuggets - for years - started going blind.  Turns out that they don't have Vitamin A.  Once the deficiency was discovered, he was given supplements.  Of course, that man wasn't just picky, he was obsessive.  Still, just in case, it would be wise to ensure your wife takes multivitamins regularly, to ensure a deficiency does not aggravate life more than it already is.

She may resist a suggestion for her to make changes.  Perhaps it would be better to say we will do this or that.