The journey continues

[CC43]

The other day I was thinking about posting an update that would have been a bit of a rant. My adult BPD stepdaughter was basically kicked out of my home around a year ago because she wasn’t working on herself while living with us for free. Since she left my home, she has been mostly estranged from her dad and me, though she had temporarily broken the estrangement when she needed help, such as help with her car, moving and money. But as soon as she got what she wanted, we were re-shunned. Yet we have kept tabs on her through her therapist.

Anyway, I’ve generally thought that getting kicked out was what was best for everyone.  I think my stepdaughter has been doing OK since then, as she got a temporary job (finally) and has been supporting herself, sort of, with less financial assistance.

However, a while back I got upset with her for breaking my trust. She was being sneaky and disrespectful behind my back, and she got upset only because she was caught. I won’t get into specifics, but I’m sad that she’s still pulling stunts like a young teenager, which feels like a step backwards.

But now getting to the current situation. My stepdaughter recently started a new job, the first « career » job and full-time situation ever. Though I personally don’t love the set-up (eg work from home, no benefits, no real company infrastructure), I know she was enthusiastic about it, and honestly that’s a miracle. From the job description I found online, it doesn’t appear to be a very demanding job—in line with receptionist plus routine office duties. I think it’s a good starter role for her actually. And yet, she is completely overwhelmed, so much that she has broken her estrangement from various family members. She has been calling a relative almost daily to vent about the stress with her new job and living situation, and to ask for money. Fortunately, the family member has been extremely supportive and calmed her down, encouraging her to focus, stay on task and not quit. But the relative is concerned that my stepdaughter seems so unhinged and unable to handle any stress.

I guess the good news ids that my stepdaughter finally reached out to her dad to talk about her job stress. They hadn’t spoken in months. And the conversation stayed in the present—she didn’t dredge up past grievances or lash out in hatred. She seemed to listen to her dad’s advice about dealing with new job jitters. Maybe if she can just take things day by day, she’ll be able to hang on and realize she can do it. Fingers crossed.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Notwendy]

It is good that she has reconnected with her father.

Still the aspects of this that I see are- that your SD is contacting family from a state of overwhelm, and so there's a need based aspect to that rather then only being motivated by the wish to reconnect. The other is that- your husband, is her father, and he will naturally have the instinct to protect and care for her, and so holding the line between caring and enabling will likely be a challenge for him.

You have done a lot of work on this situation and have a clearer vision. While you do care for your SD, you may not have the same family dynamics or tendencies as her immediate family members do. So you may see some of the pittfals before your H and others do.

I also, having experienced the limitations my own mother had with BPD, feel there's a balance somewhere between what they are capable of doing and our expectations. My own wish is that pwBPD could have access to supported job training but we are not at the point where this is recognized as a need.

So while your SD's job may not be ideal- or considered a major achievement for someone her age who doesn't have BPD- a lower stress job may be a better fit for her, and seeing that she's overwhelmed when starting is confirmation that this may be all she can handle for now, and hopefully it is.

It is similar to the situation my friend has- whose daughter has BPD and has the intellect to do a lot more, but not the emotional regulation skills or ability to tolerate stress so a part time job is a better fit for her at the moment. Hopefully with experience she can become more able to handle more.

So I agree- celebrate this first step and your SD may need some support along the way- nothing wrong with providing what she needs. However be on the alert for enabling. It's hard to do this perfectly right all the time, but you have the tools to handle this. Hopefully she is on the path to becoming more self sufficient and independent.

[CC43]

Spot on Notwendy, I couldn’t have said it better myself.