Well....I think it's over.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My BPD wife says it's over, that she is getting legal council to get a separation agreement.

I honestly don't know what she will do. We have been sleeping apart since last Thursday. Eating apart (I get yelled at if I try to eat at the same time as my family). She could just be running an extinction burst. She just made a "farewell" post in my extended families fb group, and left the group.

TLDR; it's been 20 years. I'm tired.

What should I do?

[happymeal]

My BPD wife says it's over, that she is getting legal council to get a separation agreement.

I honestly don't know what she will do. We have been sleeping apart since last Thursday. Eating apart (I get yelled at if I try to eat at the same time as my family). She could just be running an extinction burst. She just made a "farewell" post in my extended families fb group, and left the group.

TLDR; it's been 20 years. I'm tired.

What should I do?

[ForeverDad]

Interesting that she's thinking of separation, not quite divorce.  A major difference between the two is that with a legal separation you're still married and possibly you would still be liable for her debts surprise overspending splurges.  Perhaps a consultation or interview with a local experienced lawyer or solicitor could forewarn about that concern and other traps she may spring on you.

Another lawyer question is what constitutes abuse in  your local area.  Is breaking items in the home considered DV?  It could be considered a type of threat or control intimidation.  A lot of conflict in a home may not be considered "actionable" but ask so you know where the line is drawn.

A separation would include a custody and parenting schedule, same as for a divorce.  One possible risk is that if you later divorced, then you'd likely have to go through all the hassle of a second court process to make a new custody/parenting order and perhaps get a worse order.

Be aware that she may claim to be a Stay at Home Mother (SAHM).  She's probably thinking that you will go away and keep paying all her bills because she is the mother.  It would probably be wise when in any legal discussions with lawyers or court officials that you always state she needs to find her own employment or career.  The last thing you should hint is that she's somehow disabled because of her mental health issues.  (And never ever let it be claimed you or the marriage made her this way, unless you want to give lifetime support to a "handicapped" person.)

How and what to say when speaking with a soon-to-be-ex (stbEx)...
This is different than trying to repair the marriage where you both would share information to rebuild the trust.  Rather, if the marriage is failing or has failed, then you limit what you share.  Ask your lawyer whenever in doubt, or ask here, but one obvious topic okay to share is about parenting matters.  Almost everything else... think twice or thrice before sharing in order to lessen the risk of being sabotaged.

One excellent handbook is Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William Eddy.

[Notwendy]

My BPD wife says it's over, that she is getting legal council to get a separation agreement.

I honestly don't know what she will do. We have been sleeping apart since last Thursday. Eating apart (I get yelled at if I try to eat at the same time as my family). She could just be running an extinction burst. She just made a "farewell" post in my extended families fb group, and left the group.

TLDR; it's been 20 years. I'm tired.

What should I do?

This is from my own experience growing up in a similar situation, so take it from that perspective. What should you do? IMHO, absolutely nothing.

My BPD mother frequently threatened divorce but did not take action. If your wife says she wants a separation, and you do something to facilitate this- that is enbling her, reacting to her, and in actuality she may just be saying this to get you to react and not really want to do it. I can't know what she's actually thinking but my guess is that she is doing what she is doing- the separate bedrooms, meals without you and saying this in reaction to you taking control of the finances. (extinction burst).

If she were to do more than just say this- if she were to retain an attorney- then, you need to consult with one of your own. In the many times my BPD mother said something like this, she didn't take further action as far as I know of.

This advice is in response to what your wife said. Now, if you want a separation/divorce- you need to take action based on your decision, rather than as a reaction to what your wife says, unless she acts on it.

As to meals. I don't know if your wife cooks or not, but it's your family too. If she's cooking, then you can't really expect to sit down with the family to eat if she doesn't want you too, as she's in charge of the meals. However, you can eat with your children. In my own childhood, Dad took us kids out to eat a lot. BPD mother stayed home. I don't know how or why that happened. What is going on at our house then is similar in ways to what is going on in yours. If your wife doesn't want to eat with you, let her- and you go out with the kids (it was not fancy dining- we went to local diners, family style places). You are still your kids' father and are allowed to have your time with them. You don't have to let her exclude you from that.

I think it's good that you took control of the finances. My BPD mother's spending created financial stresses and issues as well. One issue is- how to handle the consequences and the escalations as well as if you want to be dealing with this over the long run. That is up to you. However, if she's just saying this and not taking action, best to not give it more attention or power by reacting to that.

[CC43]

Hi there,

I was planning to reply, but Notwendy wrote what I was thinking.

Just because your wife says things, it doesn't mean she'll actually follow through.  She might make threats and act passive-aggressively in the moment, to blow off steam and unleash some of her pent-up stress and frustration.  I'd say, if you want to avoid conflict, what you could do is gray rock.  That's shorthand for not reacting to your wife's threats, but instead staying as calm and boring as a gray rock.  She leaves the family online chat?  Fine.  She needs a time out anyway!  She might believe she's "punishing" you with her absence, and fantisizing about "hurting" you "in public" with a farewell post, but my guess is that she can't stand to see cheerful family exchanges amongst your relatives, as it makes her feel alienated (from familial bliss) and insanely jealous.  In fact, my guess is if you have an adverse reaction to her threats, you'll "reward" her threats with extra attention, and she'll commence a nuclear arms race with progressively more dire threats.  You see, if she's really MAD, she will threaten mutually assured destruction.  So my first instinct would be to try to avoid getting "sucked into" a nuclear war, at least at first.  How?  By remaining calm, and not displaying your arsenal of weapons.

Anyway, if you are planning separation or divorce, you need to get your own counsel, but I'd keep your plans absolutely confidential until you're ready.  I guess I wouldn't recommend mediation, because pwBPD are not known for being reasonable and negotiating in good faith.

I also agree with Notwendy regarding the kids, which are probably tweens or teens if you've been married for two decades.  If you want to eat with them, then you could make them a snack, arrange a pizza-and-movie night, take them out for frozen yogurt after their basketball game or arrange a mini-picnic in the park with sub sandwiches, whatever--just don't purposely "sabotage" what Mom does.  Mom could participate or not, her choice.  My guess is she won't, and you could frame it as giving her a needed break.  My sense is that your kids would relish some one-on-one time with Dad anyway.  Something as simple as a mug of hot cocoa with extra marshmallows could be nice.

[happymeal]

Some great replies and insights into our situation. As always, thank you

I don't really want to get separated from my wife. Through stops and restarts, we have built a Life here. We have a good home to live in. Gardens and tree houses for the kids to play in. I have it pretty good, personally. I have really good kids and a great job.

[Notwendy]

Then don't react to her threats if she doesn't do more than that. Also know that the BPD behavior is part of the situation. Without her doing the work in therapy, and staying with it- this is who she is. You can do your part in how to manage your end of it.

It's not possible to control her choices and if she wanted to leave and follow through on that- this would be her work to do too. Don't do it for her.

Your task then is to find your own peace within this situation. Get counseling for your own support. As CC43 suggested- carve out your time with the kids. Outings with my father are good memories for me.

If you want control of the finances- you will need to do that. My BPD mother's spending was out of control and difficult to manage.

[ForeverDad]

As you can see here in this thread, you can receive helpful ideas and comments from a variety of perspectives.  In this case, I approached it from the experience of someone who had experienced a separation, the ex didn't want to reconcile and it led to a divorce and separate parenting.  I guess I'm a facts and logic sort of guy.  The others approached it from a different direction, that often the other spouse doesn't really want what was verbalized in the moment, especially if that's not an uncommon event.

It's difficult to predict how each family's discord will turn out, so from the variety of perspectives and ideas generally we can determine how to proceed although also knowing that our eventual outcomes can take a while to become evident.

[Notwendy]

I don't think either of the perspectives are right or wrong. FD- your response is about the legal aspect of separation and divorce, and it is spot on.

Mine is from growing up with my BPD mother making threats she didn't follow through on and the times I acted on them, or believed them, and felt like I fell into the "reaction" pit she intended them to be. The divorce threats weren't specific to me but they were threats that she didn't act on.

Some threats were real but they were more like the impulsive ones. To get a separation/divorce means making a plan and acting on it- consuting a lawyer, getting papers together. If what she wanted was a quicker emotional reaction, this wouldn't work. It might happen if someone seriously pursues it.

However it is always good to be informed about the process and any pittfalls should that ever happen, for either spouse. It's true that one can't predict how any one relationship will proceed.