False accusations

[NTWMever]

Good morning,
My 35yo adopted daughter’s symptoms have never been this bad.  She has been declining for months and she now has done the worst thing again! I am divorced and  my grandson (her nephew) lives with me.  My daughter with BPD  has reported her father to the children and family services.  She has said that she does not think I am keeping him safe- and that her is accusing her father of sexually abusing our grandson.  This is the second time she has done this.  I do not believe it for one second.  Last time or this time.  She is dangerous, in my opinion.  She can say anything about anyone!  My ex-husband will be devastated if he finds out it is her who made these accusations.  She also now blames me for ‘allowing this to happen’.  That is the worst event of many over the past 8-10 months…
The hard part, too, is that my grandson adores her!  He always wants to see her and call her.  I’m always making excuses that she is working etc… Christmas will be a blow when our traditions will not include his aunty….

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there,

I'm really sorry about the latest turn of events, but want to welcome you to the group.  In my experience, when pwBPD lash out and try to inflict harm onto the people close to them, it's ususually because they are really struggling right now--facing a setback or disappointment; feeling alienated and not being the center of attention; feeling overwhelmed and generally insecure and/or incompetent; self-medicating with illicit substances and overdoing it.  It's very common on these boards to see pwBPD try to "weaponize" children.  Typically, that would entail threatening to keep grandparents away from their grandkids, or outright estrangement.  This can be painful for everyone, because grandparents often play a vital role in caregiving and providing a stable, loving environment for the grandkids.

I guess the silver lining I see in your situation is that the child involved isn't actually your daughter's.  I guess I'd say, you make sure your daughter is never alone with your grandson, you and/or your ex, not unless there's another adult present at all times.  That way, your daughter can't claim "abuse" as easily, given that there are other adult witnesses involved.  If your daughter is acting really unpredictably and toxic, I think it's not a bad idea to shield your grandson from her.  It sounds like you have good judgment and will do what's best for your grandson.

Alas, anyone can make accusations, even false ones.  PwBPD are known to lie outright, and they often twist facts into a distorted victim narrative that's unbelievable.  If there's an investigation, you and/or your ex will need to cooperate.  Here the general advice is to document, document, document.  My sense is you won't have much difficulty demonstrating that you're excellent parents/guardians.  And you'll have one more incident to go into your daughter's file, which is probably already thick, between interactions with police, social services, the legal system and/or medical staff.

But I suspect you're posting for more than that.  You're seeing your daughter go into a downward spiral, while you're powerless to stop it.  And you probably bear some resentment, anger, despair and grief over the impossibility of having a "normal" mother-daughter relationship.  We get that.  I think you're a saint, for adopting one daughter and letting your grandson live with you now.  Surely you've been a very positive influence in their lives.  But you can't be the only one working on the mother-daughter relationship.  Your daughter needs to work at it too.  If she's being mean or disrespectiful, I think you deserve a break from all that.  You focus on you, and on providing a nice home for your grandson, OK?  You can't "save" or "fix" your daughter, because that's not within your power, let alone your responsibility.  She has to decide to get some therapy to turn her life around, if she wants that.  It is possible to address BPD with therapy, provided that your daughter wants to make some changes.  But she's the one who has to do the work to change, and change is hard (but not impossible).