Total confusion

[Prouncer]

My girlfriend has what I believe is undiagnosed bpd. Four and a half years and we can’t last more than three days without her either running away out of the blue, based upon a feeling she has that is never wrong, or having a terrible argument. We can’t live together because when we tried she suffered from disassociation, strong  feelings that paint me as a demon, that are always right, continual criticising or judging me. I notice the patterns. Normally it’s after we have had a fun time together. Either during or straight after. We get on so well in so many ways but it’s impossible to have a relationship with her. I try and try. She never or rarely admits responsibility or apologises. She has written the most horrific emails to me. I’d call them evil. Some have made me sick. And not sleep. So evil. One small argument over something I did wrong or hadn’t done or said incorrectly , or looked the wrong way at another woman,  she is off. Sending me messages then about how we can’t be together. How I always blame her. Which I often do because I can’t for the life of me work out what I have done. Then I’m always apologising. When I don’t agree with her on whatever the topic I’m evil. If I show too much love and attention I’m suffocating her. If I don’t contact her after she has blocked me and  told me I am evil, I apparently don’t care about her. If I stand up for myself I’m inconsiderate and am always shutting her down. Making her feel small apparently. You can’t win an argument with her. Then sometimes the issue she freaked about is a few days later never mentioned again.  Her feelings are never wrong. So if she feels I’m a murderer, for example, or am thinking something I’m not, because her feelings are always right, and must be the priority, I’m left in a ridiculous position, of denying a nonsense or arguing against a feeling that is never wrong.
How does one deal with this ? She has blocked me again. We had a bad argument a few weeks back as I didn’t agree with her on some trivial discussion , like I always  do apparently. I fired back because I had had five criticisms and judgements of me in two days. I was fed up. Worried for the arrival of the next round of saying or doing the wrong thing. So now I’m blocked and she packed up and ran away again. She tells me she only has this dynamic with me, never any others. I Which is not true as she has had a falling out with her family and some close friends. She may be healing those though. Who knows.
I do think she loves me. When we meet it’s very powerful, however I am just waiting for the next provocation. So annoying she just can’t enjoy the life I offer her. I offer her everything she has ever wanted , travel, a home ,financial stability, a loving partner. Etc. 
It’s a pity as I do love parts of her. And it’s also tragic that I have allowed this into my life.
Any advice would be appreciated- sorry I’m so long winded.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ForeverDad]

Welcome to our peer support network.  And yes, we wish the reason to visit was a more positive one.  You will find we have a wealth of hard-won collective wisdom accumulated over many years.

Many here never learned of a diagnosis, so we have to make our own observations and conclusions.  You've struggled for nearly 5 years with your girlfriend but with little or no progress.  You would have to admit she has major behavioral issues.

As Maya Angelou wrote, "When people show you who they are, believe them."

BPD is a disorder known to be very resistant to those closest to them (partners included).  It is due to deep emotional connection which is so triggering to them.  So my question is whether she is in therapy?  When there is progress, it is with people who have no emotional relationship with them.  The problem is that BPD traits usually include extreme Volatility, Denial, Projection, Blaming and Blame Shifting.

So a better future would include her being in regular meaningful therapy sessions, applying the mindfulness approaches in her daily life and perceptions.

[Prouncer]

Thank you forever dad. No the woman in question is not in therapy. I have tried a few times to diplomatically suggest it …gee that was a bad move. Said I’d pay as this can’t be normal behaviour.  She Accused me of saying she was sick and ill  and there was something wrong with her and how could I do that and then how much she hated me. Then about controlling her and taking away her sense of self by making such suggestions. So much so she considered suicide apparently. Then I tried to be smart and suggested the patterns and volatility and asked if they are normal and then got yelled at again because those suggestions implied she wasn’t normal. Then goes on to say she hasn’t had these issues she has with me with anyone else. So it must be me as the problem.

[Under The Bridge]

Hello and welcome to the site - so sorry to hear of your problems but rest assured you are not alone and everything you're experiencing has also happened to everyone here.  BPD seems to be a very scripted illness in the way it plays out and is mentally and physically draining to be the one on the receiving end and trying to make sense of things.

She will most certainly have had problems with everyone else in her life, such as family, friends though her worst episodes will be with the one she's closest to - you. If she moved on to a new partner then your name would simply be added to the list of previous people who 'caused her problems'.

A lot of BPD's can seem to just appear a little 'off' to their families and friends but I think most are aware that there are problems. My ex-BDP's family knew of them as they actually warned me when I was dating her...massive red flag which I ignored as well all did at the time.

When you say she 'packs up and runs away' does that mean she cuts off all contact or does she still turn up at places she knows you'll be? Does she still post on FB knowing you'll see them or 'like' your posts knowing you'll be notified?  Technically broken up with you but always staying on your radar.

I found this 'break up' routine became very standard and became a scripted game in itself. Even though I was the innocent one I always did the chasing to get us back together and I'm pretty sure she just did it all the more once she knew I'd chase her.  Though BPD is an illness of irrational thought and emotions at the time, I've always thought they're more aware of their actions than they would have us believe and can be very manupulative and scheming.

[Prouncer]

Thank you for your kind words ‘under the bridge’. My ex … I think that is what she is …seems that way now.  She has blocked me and seems to hate me at present judging by her last messages..she doesn’t follow my social media or show up recently. She showed  up at my cafe about  four months ago after not seeing or speaking to me for 8 weeks prior after her telling me I was the devil incarnate. And we reconnected for a couple of days and it was fun..the love  is there. The ability to have a functioning relationship is not. It’s tragic and sad and the fact she can’t see it. ….its always all my fault …
Blows me out. I can forgive her and tell her that but she does only for a day or too then runs away again. It’s illuminating reading the stories of others and noting the similarities. 

[Under The Bridge]

the love  is there. The ability to have a functioning relationship is not.

Sums it up totally. The best we can hope for is a period of time - or even a couple of days - of peace, calm and love from our BPD partner before the inevitable and illogical explosion comes. People who knew us in our local pub would even joke 'Hey, you and L haven't had a break up for a whole fortnight now, when's the next one due?'  It was that noticeable and predictable.

It's scary how quickly we can accept this as 'the norm' too but eventually it comes to a point where you just can't continue in this manner. Some reach this point after a few years - in my case 4 years - and some will stay for far longer, especially if children are involved. Nobody expects their relationship to be perfect 100% of the time but someone with BPD has no concept of 'give and take' and never see the small issues which every couple get through.

Their world is totally black and white and depending on their emotions at the time, you're either angel or devil. In any event they're never wrong and are permanent victims. We play using normal rules and morale code; they play with a totally empty rule book so we have no chance to use logic and reason.

It's definitely the most frustrating relationship we can ever experience and the mental and physical toll it takes is pure torture.  The best I could do was to make sure that I never got into a relationship like that again by ignoring the many red flags.

Easy to say that but difficult to do when a BPD partner can have such a hold over us during their loving phases.

[Alz123]

I can't add any more wisdom than what you've heard from Forever Dad and Under the Bridge who are both brilliant and have given me a lot of compassion and understanding in their replies to my posts.

What I'm wondering is is 4 years is a bit of a turning point in the trajectory of a relationship with BPD? My husband had 2 x 4 year relationships after his 22 year marriage and ours lasted 4.5! Of course the reasons he gave me for the ending of those 2 relationships were probably not the truth. I would love to meet those women for a coffee!

[Prouncer]

In the 4,5 years we lived together for maybe six weeks, then that failed as she couldn’t stand how being with me made her feel. She was suffering what I now know is disassociation…she explained it as feeling out of her body, observing, floating and wanting to get away from me. Her feelings told her I wasn’t right. She picked fights continually , criticising and judging me. We have spent a lot of time …months and months not seeing it talking to each other the on and off over the remaking time. The most she could stay with me was there to four nights max. Then find a reason to run away. So my 4.5 years is really not long at all together but we are still connected. I’m currently a blockee so I guess I’m an ex.

[Under The Bridge]

What I'm wondering is is 4 years is a bit of a turning point in the trajectory of a relationship with BPD? My husband had 2 x 4 year relationships after his 22 year marriage and ours lasted 4.5! Of course the reasons he gave me for the ending of those 2 relationships were probably not the truth. I would love to meet those women for a coffee!

I've also noticed that 4 years seems to be a 'set' time for BPD relationships - or maybe it's just the time it takes for many of us to finally accept we'll never get what we need and want from our partner, no matter how hard we try.

Looking back, I'd consider the first year to be the year they have the strongest hold over us, as we all remember how intense it was at the start.

Years two and three I'd class as the 'perservering years' where you now know there is a huge problem in the relationship but still want to continue in the hope a magical change will happen. I think this is the worst period.

Year four was when you realised no change was ever coming and this 'love/hate' dynamic is now all you can expect and It may even be getting worse. Time for a hard choice to be made.

Just the way I saw things at the time.

[Alz123]

Looking back, I'd consider the first year to be the year they have the strongest hold over us, as we all remember how intense it was at the start.

Years two and three I'd class as the 'perservering years' where you now know there is a huge problem in the relationship but still want to continue in the hope a magical change will happen. I think this is the worst period.

Year four was when you realised no change was ever coming and this 'love/hate' dynamic is now all you can expect and It may even be getting worse. Time for a hard choice to be made.

Just the way I saw things at the time.

Yes, that's pretty much how mine went. Year 1 was the golden year, year 2 was preparing for a wedding so I think he managed to hold it together for this year, year 3 things started to show up and progress, year 4 - oh s*%t I need to get out of this.

[ForeverDad]

One of the more recognizable impacts of a Borderline relationship is known as BPD FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt).  Ponder that the sense of Obligation on our part increases the longer the relationship.  Some events that would increase the obligated feeling can be: moving in together, getting married and especially having children together.

Everyone is of course on their best behavior - best foot forward - when a relationship starts and gradually relaxes as time goes on.  Once the pwBPD feels the relationship is more secure, he or she will start letting you see the person underneath.

We can't blame ourselves for something we didn't notice but once we do notice then we need to assess what's happening, research and learn what can be done and then make informed decisions as to how best to resolve things, to the extent possible.