adult child with BPD

[Naild]

Hi everyone,
I am joining this group because I am completely drained and feeling incredibly isolated. I am 69 years old, a widow, and living in Spain. For the past 15 years, I have been riding the unpredictable rollercoaster of my 37 daughter's suspected BPD.
I am completely exhausted by the constant moods, the endless dramas, the ups and downs, and being the dumping ground for everything negative in her life, asking for money. Mostly, I hold my tongue to keep the peace, but the emotional labor is becoming too much to bear at this stage in my life.
We just had another blowout over something as simple as me mentioning she left her car headlights on. She completely twisted it into a massive criticism, accused me of calling her a "nasty person" in the past (which I have never, ever done).  I have hit the wall.
I have a therapist and friends, but my friends don't have children and don't understand how agonizingly difficult it is to set boundaries with your own kid. To make matters harder, her brother has hit his own wall of exhaustion and completely refuses to hear anything about her anymore, leaving the entire emotional burden on me. Her father (my ex husband) has little or no contact with her.
I am heartbroken, angry, and so tired of walking on eggshells. I am hoping to connect with other parents who understand the crushing guilt of trying to step back, and how lonely it feels when your family shuts down around the issue.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[NTWMever]

Hi Naild,
You are in the right place!  I recently joined as well with the same story.  Adult daughter, family that has backed up because the drama is just non-stop.  I have guilt also- for feeling angry at my daughter for what she has said and done towards me.  I have guilt also for stepping back and resting during this break.  (I have done something, and she refuses to tell me what it is).
There is safety here.  And there are lots of folks who can confirm that you are not the problem they think you are… I hope you can find some peace in knowing you are not the only one.  It is sad but true…. We are so many going through the same thing.  Take care of you the best you can

[CC43]

Hi there,

Welcome to the group, you're in numerous company.  It sounds like you have a clear idea of how your daughter is triggered by minor things and then blows them way out of proportion, distorts them and hurls anger, insults, blame and false accusations your way.  I guess my advice is, if you want to get a glimpse of what's bugging your daughter, listen for projection and the feelings behind her outbursts.  In my experience, adult children with BPD tend to speak in code.  For example:

Digging deep in the archive of negative childhood memories = misplaced blame and distraction from present issues; fear of the future.  In other words, getting mad about the past and blaming parents feels easier than getting angry at herself for not being able to handle the issue du jour.

Calling you lazy, narcissistic, a liar, manipulative, vindictive, childish, a disaster, that you should be punished or euthanized = how she thinks about herself.  She's ruminating about these issues so much that they're always top of mind and emerge as projection onto you.

Avoidance of topics or situations = a typical, trauma-based flight response, which feels easier in the moment than dealing with the real issue of the day.

Anyway, my opinion is that the victim mindset is the worst part of BPD, because it renders your daughter powerless.  Basically she's abdicating responsibility for her life and decisions, blaming you instead.  It must be incredibly frustrating for her to believe she isn't in control of her own life.  And any time you try to send her the memo that adulthood means being responsible for oneself, she crumples it up and throws it in your face.  Does that sound about right?

Here we use the term FOG--fear, obligation and guilt--which can sometimes cloud our judgment.  An example is giving your daughter money any time she asks for it, because you fear she can't solve her own problems.  And yet, by giving her money, you might actually be convincing her that she IS incapable, and you might be getting in the way of her learning how the real world works.  Here, parents often have a hard time drawing the line between support and enablement.

There's also the general stress of any interaction with her.  Does your heart skip a beat any time you get a call or text from her?  Does your mind race, wondering what the latest emergency might be?  Welcome to the club.

My advice?  I think you should model for your daughter what a healthy adult's life looks like, so that you're Calm, Happy, Confident Mom instead of Frazzled, Worried, Lonely Mom whenever you interact with your daughter.  That means taking care of yourself, going on vacation, enjoying your family time, pursuing hobbies, etc.  You engage with your daughter when she's civil, but the second she lashes out at you, or becomes mean while dumping her problems du jour on you, say something short and non-blaming like, "I need to use the bathroom."  That way, you take a break, but really you're giving your daughter an "adult time out" to calm down.  If she sends a nasty text, don't dignify it with a response.  Just take it as a sign that she is stressed out and needs another time out.  And if she storms off in faux protest (say, at a family dinner), don't run after her, apologize for upsetting her or beg her to return.  Trust that she needs some time and space to calm down, another time out.  My advice is not to interrupt the time out.  How does that sound?

Un fuerte abrazo.