What do I do now?…...again

[NTWMever]

Hi gang, I'm wondering if anyone has suggestions on how to navigate conflicting emotions? My adult daughter with BPD (35yo) has split from me and I am respectfully not contacting her since she made it clear those are her wishes. Of course, I love her, and I find myself driving by her place to see if she is home.  Her car is always there... so now I wonder is she working? Is she alive in that apartment? (Dramatic but a very real thought) | wonder if it would be good to text her 'hi, thinking of you' once in a while until this passes? Which could take a while…. I would like some tips to manage emotions, and actions while she is split from me.  Thoughts?
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CC43]

Hi there,

I've been in a similar situation, worrying about my adult BPD stepdaughter when her life looks increasingly dysfunctional.  In fact, pulling away from family is often a sign ther her life is veering off course.  Whenever she is failing and flailing, she will typically cut off contact (initially at least), and I think it's because she's ashamed.  You see, she desperately wants to succeed at adulting, but her unreasonable expectations, unstable emotions, impulsivity and difficulties handling stress or disappointments gets in her way.  She might land a job, but she'll quit impulsively after a tiff or after receiving constructive criticism.  She might get along with roommates for a time, but eventually she'll get herself kicked out or disinvited.  When she quits school, quits her job or leaves her living situation, her life becomes destabilized.  Initially, she'll avoid any contact with family, out of shame, and because she can't bear to hear a well-meaning question like, How are you?  Since the answer is Terrible, she prefers not to answer at all, to AVOID dealing with her issues.  But soon, her disordered BPD thinking will convince her that the reason she's failing is because her family is toxic.  She'll adopt a victim narrative, one where she can't possibly work or study or live with roommates because her childhood was terrible and her parents are abusive.  In effect, she's blame-shifting.  Eventually, when she has run out of money, burned all her bridges, needs housing or needs help, she'll reach out.  She'll blame parents for ruining her life, while holding out her hand for more money.  She believes that parents OWE it to her to FIX her life, because she demands RETRIBUTION for ruining it.  Does that sound about right?

While it's natural for young adults to pull away from parents, and to struggle as they start out, with BPD, the struggles seem super-sized.  I bet your daughter seems really confused about the world and her place in it.  In effect, "adulting" is completely overwhelming to her.  Instead of excitement, she feels anxiety, dread, fear, inferiority, total overwhelm.  Deciding where to live, where to work and what to eat every day, let alone mustering the energy to get out of bed, just seems impossibly difficult.  She's basically traumatized by adult life, and as a result, she has a trauma-based, fight or flight reaction to daily stresses.  Her coping mechanism is to blame parents for ruining her life--and if she can't find something to criticize, then she'll criticize you for bringing her into this terrible, overwhelming, unfair world.  Once she has unleashed her anger, she'll retreat again in avoidance.  At the same time, she'll think she's "punishing" parents with her absence.  In a way, she is, because we worry about her.  Yet at the same time, it feels like respite from her daily drama.

So where does that leave parents?  I think my general approach has been to respect the decisions of my pwBPD.  If she has said she doesn't want contact, I respect that choice, because she just can't handle contact for the time being.  Nevertheless, my approach has been not to purposely exclude her.  On holidays and her birthday, I'll send her a short, friendly but emotionally neutral message, just as I would do for business associates, cousins and the like.  Something along the lines of, Happy Holidays, hope you are well.  I will buy her Christmas presents, in the hopes that she will decide to celebrate the holiday with us, but if she decides to stay away, I don't send her the presents; I just put them aside for later, or gift them to someone else.  She will be invited to an upcoming wedding, regardless of whether we are talking or not, but I won't be surprised if she decides not to attend.  I don't push her, I don't beg, I don't convey any emotional pain or distress related to her absence, I don't even expect an RSVP to the wedding.  (She can barely deal with her own emotions, so I won't burden her with any of my emotions, let alone any sense of obligation.)  I focus on living my best life, while I leave the door open to reengage when she's ready.  It's entirely up to her to decide when she's ready.  In the meantime, we keep tabs on her, through her therapist, extended family, online footprint and banking activity.  I haven't gone so far as to check on her car, but if that makes you feel better, knowing she's in her apartment, then I'd say, go ahead, just don't let her ever catch you.  She might be unemployed, or she might be working from home.  Chances are that if she runs out of money, she'll reach out to you.  I'd say, if she doesn't reach out, then maybe she's managing independently, and that would be marvelous.

Look, I know what it's like to fear the worst.  My BPD stepdaughter attempted suicide multiple times.  There were many times when I wondered if she was still alive.  But since she's been hospitalized so often, she knows that she can get professional help if she needs it.  She can dial 911 or take an Uber to an emergency room, which she has done in the past.  That's how I know she knows she can get help if she needs it.

Anyway, the cycle of moving in with parents, then estrangement, then moving in with parents, then estrangement has been repeated multiple times in my family.  Frankly, I've lost count of how many rescues, rebounds and retreats there have been.  But here's what I've noticed, and I think it's progress.  Every time my adult stepdaughter rebounds to my place, her stay seems to shorten, while her time living independently seems to lengthen.  At first, she could only handle a few short weeks on her own, before a rebound.  Then a couple of months.  Then six to nine months.  Now, she's approaching a year.  Most of the time when she's living independently, she's "semi-estranged" from her parents.  I write "semi," because she'll temporarily break the estrangement when she hits a crisis, like needing money or logistical or administrative support.  I'll admit, it's sad that she only seems to contact us when she needs something.  The relationship feels very transactional in that way.  Though she can sometimes act nice, it generally feels fake and manipulative.  She's nicest when she's unemployed and we're providing free room and board; I think she feels like she's on "vacation," free of responsibilities.  But as soon as she's employed or has any responsibilities, her stress levels rise, and she is disagreeable and/or shunning us again.  But here's the thing:  I think that's OK.  I mean, I'd rather have her hate me while she's functioning, more or less independently in the world, than have her pretend to like me when she's using me so she can avoid adult responsibilties.  Does that make any sense?  I know that may be an unconventional viewpoint, but that's how I'm approaching all this.

All the best to you.