Trying to heal and wrap my head around a two year nightmare

[Halloweenistough]

Trying to wrap my head around and heal from 2 year nightmare

Beyond hurt trying to understand

22 m 23 f I do believe im starting to understand, because all I can do is an unfathomable amount of research. I met a girl in may of 2025, we started to date in July of 2025. It was already a mess. My best friend fingered her at a party, even though she said she wanted to me, was talking to him. But then we got together, and then it started, she was a very bad alcoholic. Bad. She wanted to be with me every second of every day, she’d analyze everything I’d do, get very upset if she thought I was pulling back or if I wanted a day to myself. Things started to fall apart in October, before Halloween I started to say I needed more time to myself because I wanted us to have like a normal healthy relationship where we can be healthy and have our own time. She didn’t like that, she got super wasted, came to my house, and fell down my stairs and cracked her head open, my best friend was there so he saw everything, we had to call her mom and she had to get a cat scan and stitches, blood was everywhere all over me. After that we broke up obviously. I didn’t know she had bpd at this point I just thought she had ocd and anxiety. After this we had on on and off sex until December and she lied to me about who she was having sex with and when (she ________ed three guys including her ex of six years who she just broke up with a month before getting into a relationship with me and my best friend. And then at the end of December she started to have a new relationship with a new guy. From that point on until the end of February I was broken, she was getting impulsive tattoos, doing cocaine with him, going out, they were also friends with my best friend so they hung out all the time. Then she called me at the end of February. They broke up, she broke her hand punching a picture she made for him, cause he cut it off, but apparently he was toxic and would be very controlling. So we obviously start talking again and I tell her how i wanna try again because i felt like everything was my fault, I kept saying to myself, all she wanted to do was spend as much time with me as possible and I felt evil. She said she doesn’t know and she’s very hurt and she needs time to heal but she’d definitely keep the door open, then the next week she’s like ________ it let’s just try and we start dating, she says she was thinking about me every day she was with him. So we start dating again, everything is fine for a month or two and then it falls apart, she starts getting mad at me for talking to a girl after we broke up thinking I was cheating on her the first time, upset that I’d follow girls on my Instagram while we were broken up and kept asking why I’d follow them if I didn’t find them pretty, going through my phone finding nothing but stuff from the past and threatening to swallow a bottle of Tylenol in my house but then saying she just wanted me to think she was so I’d stop her. It was a nightmare, every day she was upset or anxious about something I’d do or she’d think I was doing, I had to have my location on with her, things like that, not allowed to be friends with my longtime female friends, getting upset I had sex when I was 18. And then we go on a beach vacation with my best friend and his gf because she was friends with my gf, so I didn’t have a choice, first day there she gets wasted, so wasted, pees on the floor, tells my best friend that she misses him and basically almost fight his gf, that was the end of their friendship, I just kept putting up with it, I knew something was wrong with her and I kept wanting her to get help and  to properly go to her therapy and take her medication properly, but it felt like I was always pushed to the side. It was around July I found out she had bpd and it made a lot of sense, she cut herself after the December relationship ended, I saw. And then in July when she went to Greece she got drunk on the plane and texted her ex just to get closure or Amend things she said, while I was watching her cat back here in New York. I kept putting up with it. But things just started to fall apart. And then in August, she broke up with me, dropped her stuff in my car at my job, followed me home, and tried to get her stuff back because she followed me back to me house, but I didn’t go home, I just started to drive, and she calls me begging me to take her back and that she’s so sorry and that she never thinks on her actions and I took it and ran cause I was scared to break up with her, but she did it for me. But I still felt such a connection. After that she slept with her ex and got left on the street by him at three am after the bar and I had to go pick her up. And then one day she comes over to watch a movie because, I still know nothing about bpd and still feel a connection to her and love her, and she comes over. I try to get her to watch a movie, and she just wants to go out. I’m like no I don’t want to I just want to watch a movie, and she fake leaves twice. The second time, I don’t let her back in , and she knocks on my door for thirty minutes, and I text her saying I’m done. I then go upstairs and she’s in my bed looking at me, she broke in through my window. A (non physical) fight Ensues and she’s yelling and screaming at me begging me to talk to her I’m telling her I’m gonna call my mom and the police (I have videos of everything) finally she leaves. We talk on and off after this, the last time we spoke was August 27 and she was sending me nudes and asking me to “send her my fat cock”.

Then a month of silence.

Fast forward to September 29.

Between the end of August and September 29 the fading effect bias hasn’t taken effect yet so I was really like, yes, this is not somebody you want in your life, look at everything she’s done to you, like at the end of August when she was sending me nudes she was like “I’m talking to someone I met at the bar” and then would say stuff like send your fat cock, oh you’re on vacation? You’re no use to me, yk why (sex) and I didn’t care I just laughed cause I remember everything she did

So on September 29 I get a text, “hey did you leave this on my steps” I don’t know what she’s talking about and I don’t want her to think I’m near her house or anything, cause I didn’t leave anything, so I say “ I haven’t been near your block in over a month and a half” she goes “okay be good”

Her new bf left her a love note (her current bf)

But then she starts to ruminate in my mind, especially cause her new Instagram is popping up on my feed and I see she cuts herself again.

I’m not ruminating romantically or anything they’re just “thoughts” but over time that morphs into like, I do kind of want her back into my life, like besides her illness, which I really tried to help her with, she’s a good person.  But it’s not that bad yet.

Anyway, I find some of her stuff while I’m cleaning, and I text her and I’m like hey do you want this stuff, and she’s like okay I’ll come get it. She gets it I don’t see her or anything I just leave it outside. But in the texts I’m like, hey can we talk like, I have some questions and some things I wanna say, and she’s like no please don’t contact me and I’m like please just talk and she’s like no don’t contact me. So I’m like okay, but then, I find like $400 worth of her _____ and I’m like hey I’m sorry, I know you said don’t contact but I found like all of this stuff, if you don’t want it I’ll donate it if you want it it’s outside. She says thank you I’ll stop by. That was the end of that really I didn’t contact her I didn’t text her again, I was like alright like that’s it I gotta move on.

Fast forward say like a week

I get a call from her crying at 1 am. She’s crying, asking if I ever cared about her and saying she needs closure on some things and we talk for a little bit, she says she’s healing and that she’s on a new medication, and that she’s doing better. I’m like hey I answered your questions if you wanna answer some of mine, call me tomorrow, cause I don’t want to push her and be a pest. She calls me 7 hours later at 8 am, she’s saying things like she asked her bf if she could call me cause she needed Closure and that he understands, that she’s doing better, and that we really can’t be friends because I remind her of all the bad times and that “I made her crazy”. She said I didn’t deserve the version of her that I had and that she’s gonna think about that for a while and she cried. 
That ends and I’m like hey if you ever need anything I’m here I’m always gonna be here for you, we exchange some texts back and forth she likes a couple I send a pic of her cat, everything ends well. For the next like 12 hours I thought that was a blessing in disguise like it went well I can get it out of my head. I was wrong, I ________ing broke. I kept thinking to myself if she’s actually healed, that’s not fair, and just a whole other litany of things and I became broken, I’m not afraid to admit.

This is where it gets crazy, I go out with my “best friend” last Friday, and he happens to be friends with her new bf, apparently the new bf told him that he knows she’s crazy and that he’s just there for a fling and that it’s good sex, I end up calling her the next day, honestly breaking down telling her how I need her in my life and how I wouldn’t be like this if she never called me and if she’s healing why would she call me, and then I tell her what I know about her bf( I threw my “best friend” under the bus, and I’m glad I did)She says okay call me at 430. You could say a bomb went off, she’s crying on the phone to me at 430 saying she was a terrible person and that she’s trying to be better and that she doesn’t know who to believe and that she needs space from everyone, that I can’t be in her life right now because all the bad times (what bad times? I never did anything to you) and how she’s like donating money now, I was on the phone with her for 25 minutes while her bf is trying to get my address and he got my phone number from my “friend” and while he’s trying to call me I’m on the phone with his gf. So it basically ends with her saying she needs space from everyone. But then, her sister texts me to like ask what’s going on, and then we start texting and she’s helping me navigate, and then her and her family goes to this restaurant, and in my head I’m like yea this girl probably hates me rn (my ex) but I’m like hey (sister) should I still go to the Halloween party that her and him are gonna be at and she’s like honestly I wouldn’t but do you wanna ask her she’s right here? And I’m like uhhh no, my ex takes the phone, sends a picture of her with her tongue out and her doing the peace sign, and she’s like hey I wouldn’t come I don’t want drama, and I’m not mad. And I’m like why are you doing this to me and she’s like I’m sorry I just need a lot of space right now. And I’m like okay can you give the phone back to your sister because I’m too hurt to talk to you right now. And she said okay.

Yes I know I was split 
Yes I know this person can NEVER be in my life again 
YES I now have a therapist and a psychiatrist and am on Zoloft and hydroxzyene just to not have panic attacks 
YES im scared she will split him and come back to me or my house or leave a note or something of the sorts 
Yes my therapist and psychiatrist told me to stay away from her and never let her back in

But like, is she actually healing? I mean I’d personally say no because why is she calling me from a house party crying and sending me peace signs and jumping into new relationships, like she did with me, like why did she ask if I left her the love note?

I just keep ruminating and asking myself questions and I have to stop.

I obviously have her blocked and haven’t contacted her since

It’s important to note, in August when she started talking to anew guy from the bar she said, if you break your leg would you help your leg heal with a cast or on its own? In reference to me saying she needs to heal on her own

I know she’s most likely in a rebound relationship and when the dopamine of the honeymoon phase ends she will do what she did to me and the truth of what he said will come out in her head.

From what I know she’s always had a therapist even with me, but just a regular one and she would often skip or just straight up not talk about important things.

Here’s some other stuff she did

Lied to me about sleeping with \*\*\*\*\*\* , was talking to him 
Slept with her ex twice 
Always lied to me 
Lied to me about an std (bacterial not serious ) 
Lied to me about her sexual history 
Got drunk threatened to call another guy when I didn’t come get her 
Got drunk and listed off her roster (apparently fake) also this night she banged on my floor and fell out of her car 
Got drunk and tried to kill herself by falling down my stairs 
Manipulated me about events that occurred during our relationship 
Didn’t stand up for me when I got a menu thrown at me at top golf (her friend, long story) 
Went to the city and she drank so much she ran away and I had to find her and she threw up on the street and in her purse 
She did coke 
First week of us dating she got drunk and called me at 5 am trying to get me to pick her up and when I said no she threatened to call another Guy 
Threatened to swallow a bottle of Tylenol 
Broke into my house 
________ed my best friend 
In may she got so drunk when we were out with her friend that she told me to go to the bathroom and she told her that she would ________ her right now if I wasn’t there 
In vacation she peed on the floor and told my ex best friend she missed him 
Oh, and I think all of you would be pleased to know that I am no longer friends with my “best friend” I am cutting many people off.

I’m sorry that’s it’s so long. I don’t even know if anyone is reading this, or if people are reading this and think I’m a villain. I’m sorry

I know most things about bpd now, that I was most likely split, that she’s just taking her fear of abandonment and fear of addressing her emotions onto another guy and that it will most likely fade.

I started journaling, reading, walking 5 miles a day, whatever I can, but it’s hard, especially today.

Looking for support