Drinking, vaping and other issues

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It has not been a good week — really, not a good few months.

UBPDH has had frequent moody spells. They usually come after picking SS15 up from school or after he goes upstairs to his office for a while (we work from home).

SS15 has had the teen attitude and sullenness for a while now. For years, we’ve dealt with food on the room. He’s allowed snacks almost any time, but not allowed to have food in his room. Mainly because we can’t trust him to clean up after himself. Of course, he keeps sneaking stuff in because he never believes rules apply to him. Last weekend, while SS was with us and H and SS we’re at his driving class, I had to go in SS’s room to put something in the attic (access is in his room). I saw a chip bag on his bed and went over to see if there were crumbs to deal with.

No crumbs but I did find a vape pen. I told H when he got home. He and Ex are communicating on it and taking it seriously. But it’s also triggering H’s enmeshment. His parents were overly strict, so now he’s starting to grumble a bit about how all kids try things or break rules at times. No big deal. I refrained from pointing out that SS is buying vape pens from some kid at school so who knows exactly what he’s inhaling. And he’s an athlete, so really, really dumb idea. At least Ex is holding firm on the no-nonsense this time (first time ever).

Anyway, that’s had H pinging all over the emotional map.

Add to that, H’s birthday was this week. SS didn’t text him. My parents came by the night before and gave him a card and gift, admired our redecorating, etc. But they didn’t do a full-group text about it, so his feelings were hurt. (There’s a full family text string. Birthday acknowledgments aren’t exactly consistent.)

To top it off, he had lunch yesterday with an old coworker/buddy of his who almost always manages to trigger him. H’s worst episodes have been after meeting with this friend. Last night, he came home, went upstairs to finish work, and came down “off.” He started poking and poking, grabbing hold of things that were incredibly unimportant (like the pharmacist giving a weird look). It was a rough night. He ended up leaving and coming back after I was in bed.

This morning, he couldn’t find his phone or wallet and I finally got fed up and looked. Found a Dr Pepper Zero bottle half full of red wine, plus bottle caps from beer. So, yeah. He’s been hiding alcohol upstairs in his office. He comes down in a mood because he’s been drinking. I suspected but this was proof.

Mostly I’m angry at myself because I just keep this going and don’t just leave as it’s clear none of this will stop. And I predict SS stuff will only deteriorate.

[Ozzie101]

It has not been a good week — really, not a good few months.

UBPDH has had frequent moody spells. They usually come after picking SS15 up from school or after he goes upstairs to his office for a while (we work from home).

SS15 has had the teen attitude and sullenness for a while now. For years, we’ve dealt with food on the room. He’s allowed snacks almost any time, but not allowed to have food in his room. Mainly because we can’t trust him to clean up after himself. Of course, he keeps sneaking stuff in because he never believes rules apply to him. Last weekend, while SS was with us and H and SS we’re at his driving class, I had to go in SS’s room to put something in the attic (access is in his room). I saw a chip bag on his bed and went over to see if there were crumbs to deal with.

No crumbs but I did find a vape pen. I told H when he got home. He and Ex are communicating on it and taking it seriously. But it’s also triggering H’s enmeshment. His parents were overly strict, so now he’s starting to grumble a bit about how all kids try things or break rules at times. No big deal. I refrained from pointing out that SS is buying vape pens from some kid at school so who knows exactly what he’s inhaling. And he’s an athlete, so really, really dumb idea. At least Ex is holding firm on the no-nonsense this time (first time ever).

Anyway, that’s had H pinging all over the emotional map.

Add to that, H’s birthday was this week. SS didn’t text him. My parents came by the night before and gave him a card and gift, admired our redecorating, etc. But they didn’t do a full-group text about it, so his feelings were hurt. (There’s a full family text string. Birthday acknowledgments aren’t exactly consistent.)

To top it off, he had lunch yesterday with an old coworker/buddy of his who almost always manages to trigger him. H’s worst episodes have been after meeting with this friend. Last night, he came home, went upstairs to finish work, and came down “off.” He started poking and poking, grabbing hold of things that were incredibly unimportant (like the pharmacist giving a weird look). It was a rough night. He ended up leaving and coming back after I was in bed.

This morning, he couldn’t find his phone or wallet and I finally got fed up and looked. Found a Dr Pepper Zero bottle half full of red wine, plus bottle caps from beer. So, yeah. He’s been hiding alcohol upstairs in his office. He comes down in a mood because he’s been drinking. I suspected but this was proof.

Mostly I’m angry at myself because I just keep this going and don’t just leave as it’s clear none of this will stop. And I predict SS stuff will only deteriorate.

[Notwendy]

This is stressful and while SS15's behavior is concerning- he's also the primary responsibility of his biological parents- and so even if you intervened- they would need to be on board with that too or they'd undermine it.

Although your H isn't having gigantic blow ups, the constant moodiness is an irritant. In a way, I think his going upstairs to be by himself for a bit is probably a good thing, to let him calm down but he also may be going up there to drink too. I don't know if you've done CODA or Al Anon- but they help with coping with something that we have no control over. With BPD it can be a form of self medication.

The teen age attitude- that can be a "normal" part of being a teen but it doesn't negate the need for boundaries, rules, and accountability. The food in the room is breaking a rule and being disrespectful. The vaping is on an other level as it poses a physical risk to him.

I think where this gets confusing is where does it cross the line? On one hand, your H has a point where teens can push the boundaries, give in to peer pressure and experiment- if trying vaping to appear cool, to your point- the concern about serious rule breaking and substance use. What is actually going on with SS15- is this a sign of serious distress, a cry for attention? Having a disordered father doesn't help but this affects children differently.

What is the eating all about? 15 year old boys have huge calorie needs and it seems they eat constantly. If he is normal weight and growing- then he's using these calories. If there are physical concerns- too much weight, it could be nervous eating but if he's a typical teen boy- he's getting his calories from all this. I also think you have the right to your rules and not have to worry about crumbs all over the place. I don't know how often he stays with you or how much you want to make this a battle, especially if his father undermines it. Teens should know how to keep their rooms clean but they aren't always vigilant with it, and that room would need cleaning after he has stayed in it. On one hand you want to have house rules but also pick your battles between all the stresses going on.

[Ozzie101]

Thank you.

H is definitely drinking up there — admitted it today. Most of the time, if he has wine it’s not a problem. But if he’s stressed, hurt or annoyed, it gets him dysregulated. I know I have no control. Still trying to figure out how I want to deal with that.

No clue what’s really going on with SS. Some of it seems like teen stuff. But he’s also always been the type of kid who’s going to do whatever he wants, rules and boundaries be damned. I’ve recognized that since I first met him at 5yo.

The good thing: H is always asking him what snacks he wants around. Unless it’s nearly dinner time, he’s always welcome to it. But we’ve had an any problem before and SS has a LONG history of spilling stuff and just leaving it. So, we told him until we can trust him, all food and drink except water needs to be in the kitchen. Once we found an empty ice cream container and dirty spoons hidden in the attic and the ice cream remnants had melted down onto a box of my stuff. Another time he spilled lemonade that made a sticky mess. Ex has had similar problems and has had three bug issues. Just keeps happening.

He’s with us every other week for the week. And H feels the same way I do (he’s a neat freak), he’s just frustrated because nothing he does works. Nothing new with SS. He’s the most consequence-resistant kid I’ve ever known.

[Notwendy]

My BPD mother had addictions and while ACA/CODA helped me to understand the addiction aspect, and my own behavior- it didn't change what was happening on her part. I had thought it was the drinking but realized that the drinking was driven by her emotional discomfort. It was self medication, not the best choice but it was one way she coped. I later saw her off everything after a rehab experience that didn't really work well for her- and she was completely miserable, all the time. It then became a question of what expectations are humane for her.

The main problem is you have to be there too. It wasn't that my mother drank large quantities, it's that even a little would lead her to dysregulate, and when she did- she was out of control and that behavior was the problem. Same with you. If your H drank some wine and stayed in his room while he was dysregulated so you wouldn't have to see it, that may be more tolerable on your end. While it's understandable you don't want him doing that, that part is not something you can control so you pivot to how to keep your peace while he does it.

As a child I had no control over any of this but as an adult in your mutually shared home - would it be possible to ask your H to stay in his own private space- the room, the den, stay out of the kitchen if that is your space if he's going to drink. He may get huffy about that but that may be a potential boundary.

Teen age SS may be dealing with multiple issues- different rules at his mother's house and yours, the divorce, two homes, whatever is going on at school, and puberty. He also may have inherited some of his parents' personality attributes. It's a fine line to walk between overly permissive and overly stern with a teen. They need boundaries and also safe wiggle room to differentiate. It's also a pivot from the usual order with two adults one week and then a teen added the next. I'm not sure I'm the best one to advise on what to do about the food but I saw it in context of all behaviors. I would expect a certain amount of chaos when the kids came home from college on breaks, then restore the order when they went back to school. There were expectations- were they doing their classwork, going to class, no substance abuse, no deliberate damage to property, and if they were OK, chaos and some mess were of lesser issue- and I could get the order back later. With your SS, I think I'd be looking at what is going on with him emotionally, is he doing well in school, in context of the food outside the room and if there are bigger issues, focus on them first, as they may be what is behind the rule breaking.

[Ozzie101]

You’re right. I have no control over drinking. But I can and should find a way to set a boundary (a “keep your mess to yourself”). I think that would make a difference.

SS is just a mystery. His grades are good (now — he’s gone through periods of not keeping up with class work and nearly flunking). He’s on the baseball team (which helps grades because the coaches stay on them about that). He has friends. He doesn’t appear to like our house much, partly because H is more strict than Ex. Ex and her parents have a long history of buying him whatever he wants and not expecting anything from him. Over here he’s expected to do things like keep up with his laundry and clean his dishes. And H doesn’t randomly buy him stuff. He’s always known he can get away with whatever at Ex’s house because she seems to live in fear of upsetting him. I’ve known that’s a problem that won’t go away, but it’s outside my control. That may be changing a bit because she’s actually reacting to the vape revelation.

Anyway, he doesn’t really talk to us or share. He’s always been closed off. The going back and forth between homes with different rules probably isn’t ideal but I don’t know the answer to that. My reading of him has always been that he’s incredibly spoiled and entitled and anything that challenges him makes him angry or he just keeps doing what he wants. From what I witnessed when he was younger and stories from before I was around, he’s definitely spoiled, lashing out or expressing anger when people don’t let him do what he wants. Also has emotional regulation problems — not surprising.

[Notwendy]

It sound like SS is overall doing ok. That his mother is intervening on the vaping is good. She will have the most input if his father can't do that.

That the SS doesn't like going to his father's house ,and he has no choice if it's legally arranged that way- that says a lot. He may be more spoiled and entitled at his mother's house but also, he has his own relationship issues with his father. That has an impact on his behavior at your house. He may be defying the rules as a way to feel some control over the situation. When someone has no control they may resort to passive aggressive behavior like leaving food mess.

Your H also has his own family background. My BPD mother's behavior may have been out of control but there was little tolerance for any non compliance on our part. Leaving a toy out might have led to reacting as if we had committed a major crime. So for me messiness was a lesser transgression. Your H's reactions to his SS may reflect his experiences as a teen.

I might reframe what is going on with SS. For teens, a private space is important. For a teen with a disordered parent- the bedroom was one of the emotionally safest places in the house. I also spent a lot of time in my room but didn't have the appetite of a teen age boy. I think I would have sneaked food up there if I did.

For your SS, he may not like visiting his father's house, for whatever reason. He can eat in the kitchen but this is not his space. If his room is his only space he feels is, he may want it to be the place where he can do what he wants. Yes, your house, your rules but this boy has little say in the choice to be there. There could be some acting out going on.

One idea is to have your boundaries in place. Mealtime at the table. He needs to be at the table for meals, that is family time, unless he's made plans with friends for dinner somewhere else. Then he has allowable snacks for his room and only his room, and these are the only ones kept in the house. So if he is bringing ice cream into the attic then no ice cream in the house when he is there. He and his father can go out for ice cream. The attic needs to be locked- he doesn't need to go in there. The only drink available can be bottled water. H wants his pop? He can go get it. He may undermine you and buy it for SS but you don't have to. What is left? Crackers, chips, pretzels, popcorn- these can be vaccumed. The rest, hard to control but vaccuming up crumbs is easier than sticky ice cream everywhere.

[CC43]

Hi Ozzie,

It sounds like you've been dealing with BPD stuff for quite some time, and that your stepson might be starting to take after his dad.

I'm a stepmom too, so I understand how hard it can be to impose order in the home when the spouse and "real" parent isn't on board.  I stuggled with food mess, just like you.  I had three adult stepkids living with me, and they felt entitled to cook whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted, and eat wherever they wanted in the home.  I tried to enforce an "eat only in the kitchen" rule, as well as a "clean up after yourself" rule, but their dad just wasn't on board with enforcement.  His kids never had chores growing up.  So I had a few years of extra clean-up of food and cooking mess, crumb/spill patrol and a daily recon of dishes and utensils in bedrooms and the basement.  Honestly it was annoying.  One of my stepdaughters was especially messy, eating like Cookie Monster, with more food hitting the floor than her mouth, and never washing her hands, neither before nor after eating.  She didn't eat meals, but grazed instead.

But in my opinion, having food all around the house and going on daily scavenger hunts for dishes wasn't the main problem, just symptoms of one.  In my case, I had three adult stepkids living with me, on and off, over the course of a decade.  I think the main problem was when they were NEETT--Not in Employment, Education, Training or Therapy.  These periods initially started out as "summer vacation," but morphed into months of unstructured days, especially for the BPD stepkid.  My husband just didn't expect his adult children to get summer jobs when they were in college, for example.  And I think that when young adults are idle, their daily habits start to deteriorate, fast.  Maybe it starts by sleeping in late--I mean, why get up at all, if there's nothing on the schedule, nothing they are responsible for?  Then it turns into video gaming or social media scrolling all night.  They literally tire themselves out with so much entertainment, and they become moody and cranky, too.  Sleeping becomes eratic--a couple of hours at night, many naps during the day, punctuated by grazing on junkfood.  Soon, they're not eating nutritious meals at family mealtimes; they want to cook something themselves, partly because they are hungry from an unhealthy diet, partly out of boredom.  Cooking bacon at midnight became a favorite passtime at my house, and you know what a mess that is to clean up in the morning.  For me it was doubly annoying, because I was dressed in work clothes and rushing to get out the door in the early morning to avoid traffic.  All the while, my husband was saying, "So what, daughter/son cooked some bacon, they're adults, they can have bacon if they want . . . I want them to feel at home here, it's their home, right?"  It's hard to argue with that, but like I said, I think it's a symptom of something else.  And unfortunately, I'm the one dealing with messes and some stained sheets and furniture.  As an aside, I stopped buying "nice" bedroom stuff for the kids, because they just wouldn't take care of it.  They were treating belongings carelessly like young kids; they had no chores or household responsibilities, and so I didn't upgrade the bedrooms as they aged.  The girls' rooms were pigsties, an absolute mess with overturned chairs, dresser drawers on the floor, and clothes, towels and trash everywhere, plus makeup stains all over the place.  I think it was a pretty good indication of the state of their minds (and life) actually.  The most repeated sentence was "I don't care," and it was the truth.

Anyway, I suspect your stepson is too idle.  I think my stepkids were too idle in high school, though I wasn't married to their dad at that time.  They weren't on sports teams, they didn't play an instrument, they weren't involved in clubs (drama, debate, chess, band, student council, whatever).  They didn't even do that much homework; I never once "caught" them with a book, writing an essay or studying when I dated their dad.  Granted, they probably got their homework done while they were at school or whatever.  I understand they would get mostly Bs in high school--nobody was flunking out or getting suspended, so I don't want to be too harsh here.  But I think their main "extracurricular" pursuit was social media for the girls, and video gaming for the boy.  I think there's nothing inherently wrong with that, EXCEPT when it becomes addictive and starts to crowd out other, more productive and formative endeavors that adolecents need (sleeping at nighttime, exercising, age-appropriate socializing/dating, volunteering, summer jobs, etc.).  I think that they became too comfortable with easy-and-fun, screen-based entertainment.  In high school, it wasn't so much of a problem, because of highly structured schooldays, but in college, I think it became a huge problem.  The thing is, these days, screens are everywhere, available 24/7, with extremely engaging content.  It's just too easy and tempting to relax with what's easy and fun, right in front of them, instead of engaging in more difficult, but ultimately more fulfilling, pursuits that are essential to long-term growth and happiness.  The same goes for food:  it's easier and probably more fun to snack at night on junk food, in the privacy of one's own bedroom, than to talk with family over dinner and maybe even help set the table, let alone wash up.  Here's the other thing:  eating and vaping alone in his bedroom enables your SS to evade well-meaning questioning:  How was your day?  Anything interesting happen?  Etc.  He might not want to feel judged because his real answer might be, I hate school, I don't have any friends, I'm failing history, etc.  It's easier to flee in avoidance and be entertained while lying in bed.

Here's another thing.  Your husband might be picking up on his son's issues.  Maybe the avoidance, moodiness and passive-aggressivity are contagious.  Maybe your husband is JEALOUS of his son, in the sense of, the world is unfair, life is too hard, working is too hard, he-gets-to-do-whatever-he-wants-whenever-he-wants, and I want the same thing.  Vaping is nothing, everybody does it, wife should stop picking on him, she's such a b*, she can't tell us what to do, I'm the man of the house, I make the rules, she needs to stop nagging and just take care of the house and take care of me without complaining like she's supposed to.  Maybe he's worried about his son's behavior, but he can't bring himself to parent, because he just wants to be a friend to his son and let him do whatever he wants.  You two don't see eye-to-eye on this, because you actually LOVE your SS and don't want him to continue down the wrong path, not when you feel responsible and he's in your home.  Meanwhile, your husband's behavior is starting to resemble that of a teen, with petulance, whining, angry outbursts seemingly out of nowhere.  Does that sound about right?  If it does, it's probably because I've been there.

What to do about all this?  I wish I knew.  When I was in this situation, I needed to take some breaks.  Sadly, I felt like my home wasn't my home anymore--it was more of a chaotic battleground.  I took a lot of walks in nature, to take a break, relax and recenter myself.  One thing that helped me was to reclaim a space in my home, all to myself.  You see, before then, all my spaces and most of my belongings were shared:  my bedroom, my closet, my bathroom and my garage space, not to mention the kitchen.  Everyone else had their own space or own bedroom, to keep as they wanted, except for me.  So I reclaimed a space just for me, an oasis of calm, orderliness and privacy.  In addition, I moved some of my supplies there, so that they couldn't be raided without asking or violating "my" space.  That change really helped me.

Now my husband.  I wouldn't say has BPD, but he exhibits some BPD traits from time to time--sensitivity to "abandonment," angry outbursts, assuming ill intent in others, feeling slighted too easily, some insecurity.  At first, I tried to "manage" his emotions and avoid some triggers, especially "abandonment."  But eventually I realized, I wasn't really the "cause" of his sour mood, I was merely the "object" of it.  I figured out that, most of the time, he was trying to control me, because he felt he was losing control over his own life and that of his kids!  I learned not to JADE--justify, argue, defend or explain--when he was lashing out at me, because every time I JADEed, the argument would escalate, and he would become increasingly unhinged.  Instead, I learned to give him an "adult time out" when he's angry or henpecking me, and only engage when he's calm.  In calm moments, I choose my words very carefully, because I get a window of maybe twenty words that he'll listen to, before the window slams shut.

As for vaping, that was a big issue in my home as well.  I felt my husband gave wishy-washy advice to his kids, along the lines of, "Yeah, lots of people smoke pot, I did too once, you just have to be really careful."  He never said that drugs were dangerous, nor that they weren't allowed in the home, nor that they were illegal for minors, let alone that his kids' health was precious and they deserved better.  My opinion differs on this point, and so when my husband was calm, once I said something like, "You know, today's marijuana is way more powerful and readily available than it used to be.  Plus, the noxious smoke and smell, which used to curb use, is mostly absent now.  I'm really worried that son might be overdoing it, and he's still growing.  I love him and wouldn't want him to be hurt."  I know that message landed, even if nothing changed right away.  A few months later, I heard my husband use similar wording (absence of noxious smoke and smell to curb use).  I'm just saying, that sometimes, your gentle and loving messaging can eventually hit home, provided that you converse when he's calm and actually listening.

I'll wrap up with a pet theory of mine:  my sense is that certain BPD-like behaviors--such as impulsivity, irritability, trouble focussing, frustration intolerance, moodiness--might be caused (or exacerbated) by irregular sleep patterns, poor diet and lack of exercise.  Sometimes I think that staying up late at night, entertained by screens, basically puts young adults into a semi-permanant "jet lag" state.

Hope that perspective helps a little.

[CC43]

SS is just a mystery. His grades are good (now — he’s gone through periods of not keeping up with class work and nearly flunking). He’s on the baseball team (which helps grades because the coaches stay on them about that). He has friends. He doesn’t appear to like our house much, partly because H is more strict than Ex.

Anyway, he doesn’t really talk to us or share. He’s always been closed off. The going back and forth between homes with different rules probably isn’t ideal but I don’t know the answer to that.

OK, I saw this after my prior post.  I think it's FANTASTIC that his grades are good, he's on the baseball team and he has friends, no need to explain why.  Maybe a way to frame the vaping is to emphasize how you fear it could harm his athletic performance, by slowing recovery or diminishing lung/muscular capacity.  But I would say this only to husband, to give him the idea of it.  With luck it might emerge weeks later, as if your husband thought of it himself.  That's how things often play out in my home.

I lived through a stage when my stepkids would run to whichever household they were less angry at.  I hated that, because it meant avoiding responsibilities, consequences or dealing with issues.  Alas, I don't think there's much you can do here.  One thing I'd try to avoid however is any begging.  My husband would often "run after" the aggrieved kid, beg forgiveness, beg them to return home and remove any consequences.  All that did was teach the kids that they could do anything they wanted, that their absence was "punishment" for the "offending" parent, and they could avoid adverse consequences from adverse behavior.  As an example, once my husband asked his daughter to clean up her room because her grandma was coming for a visit and would stay overnight in daughter's room, while his daughter would sleep on the comfortable couch in the basement (where she frequently slept anyway).  He asked her two or three times to do this, and she refused.  On the day grandma was arriving, he asked her again to clean the room, and my stepdaughter threw a conniption fit.  He ordered her to do it, and she refused once again, running over to her mom's house in protest.  Distraught, my husband apologized, cleaned the room himself and begged her to come back to spend some time with grandma . . . .  I don't remember if she came back or not, but I remember she didn't clean her room when asked, the very, very rare occasion when her dad asked her to do something.