hello

[oozora]

hello,
i'm in the process of going through a custody battle of my 2 young boys with an uBPDexBF.  he seems to think 50/50 is his given right, i think that would be devastating for the kids.  was hoping for a more collaborative approach, tried co-parenting therapy, but we quickly became high-conflict and now we're going to court in a month.  not sure what to expect in court.  also trying to learn how best to co or parallel parent with him for the next 16 years.  taking one step at a time... .

[takingandsending]

Hello oozora, and welcome to  BPD Family.

I am going through the same with my two young boys and STBuBPDxw. It can be a really scary prospect to consider letting our spouses/SOs become the sole parent of our children for any extended length of time. Can you describe a little bit more about your situation? You are heading to court in a month, which means you are not in a collaborative divorce agreement, right? Do you have an attorney? If not, I really do recommend that you seek out an attorney, and preferably one who has experience representing clients with BPD spouses/partners.

Are you living in separate households right now? If so, what does the current custody schedule look like? If not, how are things in the house right now between you and your exBF? The courts like to keep the status quo when it comes to children, thinking it will provide the least disruption in the children's lives.

There is a book called "Splitting" by Bill Eddy and Randy Kreger that has helped a lot of people on this forum know what to expect in divorce court with a BPD partner. Regarding co or parallel parenting, many people find that parallel parenting is the most workable approach with a BPD ex. This website has excellent communication tools on the right of this page. I really recommend them. There are ways to reduce the conflict and tension in communications with a pwBPD that are very helpful. There is no panacea that anyone has found. It's a tough illness. But learning how and when to validate, how to express your truth, and how to develop clear and consistent boundaries can really ease some of the stress of these situations.

Let us know what questions you have as you read some of the tools. Try out different approaches to communication or strategizing on these forums. Mostly, just wanted to welcome you to  bpdfamily and know that you are not alone and that there are a lot of good folks here that can support you on this journey.

[gotbushels]

Hi oozora  

I join takingandsending, welcome!

You're not alone with going through a difficult custody battle with children involved. Going through such a thing with a pwBPD can be exceptionally difficult in terms of negotiation. He seems to have a strong belief about 50/50 custody. You seem want something different?

Yes, sometimes going to therapy and working at the issues can increase the possible conflict.

I encourage you to look at the questions that takingandsending posted, particularly the one about finding a suitable attorney. I hope you find peace.

[ForeverDad]

The typical outcomes can vary from state to state.  Some states have recently passed laws that cases should start with the expectation that parenting schedules will be 50/50.  Is that true of your state?  Even if it is, many factors can impact that.  Does your state handle unmarried parents the same as married parents?  IF your ex-BF has a history of mental issues such as hospital admissions or repeated police visits for 'domestic disputes', those would be factors to present to the court.

However, be aware that if he denies your statements and you don't have documentation of the details (police/hosp reports or details from your journal/log) then the court may decide to ignore the claims as more or less bickering/hearsay and largely ignore it.

Also, courts will probably give more attention to his parenting behaviors rather than his adult behaviors.  So when listing the problem behaviors, include them all of course but make sure primary focus is given to how your children are impacted.  I recall when I called my CPS a decade ago in the months before my separation and divorce and reported my ex was more frequently raging in front of our preschooler.  The lady asked, "Is she raging at your son?"  When I replied "No, at me", she said, "Call back when she rages at the child."  Evidently CPS in my area does not view mere exposure to raging as 'actionable'.

[oozora]

hi, thank you for the welcome notes.

i found a lawyer through yelp because i didn't know how to look for one that understood BPD.  he was very competent, but did not know anything about BPD.  through this forum, many of you agreed that it's important to have someone who understands BPD on your side, so i recently found one and switched.  just talking to him the first time made me feel better because i didn't have to explain and convince him of all the crazy-making situation.  unfortunately, my ex is not very extreme in the world of BPD - no physical violence (just raging and verbal threats - to report the car stolen, to keep the kids overnight), no substance abuse (although he loves alcohol and smokes pot without a medical license), etc.

I moved out of his house with the kids last summer.  They see him 6 days a week, including 3 dinners, but no overnights.  Most of the time during the day is supervised by our nanny.  He really loves the kids and wants them overnight, but is not capable of putting their needs first over his.  The kids are fine with him during the day, but don't feel comfortable with him at bedtime, or when they are sick.  He's never handled overnights with the kids or much of the day to day parenting, and I think it would devastate the kids to be under his sole care.  Hoping the court will award gradual step-up so both he and the kids can adjust without too much trauma.

I just got the book splitting today!  and will read it before my court date.  stop walking on eggshells was a real eye-opener and fit my experience almost word for word.

Any other pointers before my court date would be appreciated!

[livednlearned]

Hi oozora,

Welcome and hello  

That's really good that there are no overnights right now. Document document document everything so you can demonstrate the status quo, in case he says otherwise and it becomes he-said she-said in court.

I kept a Google calendar and pinned emails to dates, and anything I did with my son, I added to the calendar. Any drinking my ex did, I added it to the calendar. Anything weird he did or something the court might find important, I added.

Then, when I needed to look back on what happened, I printed out the calendar in agenda form and it pulled together a nice timeline that helped refresh my memory. My L appreciated it because it helped her quickly identify items she wanted to highlight.

I also created a 3-ring binder of emails. Try to get your ex to text or email so you have his conversations in print.

Court cares about patterns of behavior more than anything. Sometimes, you can get those patterns in front of the judge and they'll say, Hey this guy is a handful. Sometimes, you have to bring the patterns into court repeatedly so the court can see the high-conflict behaviors. Mine started to tangle with the judge himself. Needless to say, I now have full custody. Thanks N/BPDx!

Also, just want to say that you mention that there is no substance abuse. And then you say he loves alcohol and smokes pot. That is substance abuse, friend  

You will probably start to see his behavior in a new light as you go through this divorce. Morally, maybe you don't think his substance abuse is excessive. But in the eyes of court, it's a data point that can add up to a story that shows he chooses unsafe ways to cope with life's stresses. And that's not good for the kids.

Glad you found us, and sorry for what brings you here.

There are lots of people here who genuinely care and know what you're going through. You're not alone.

LnL