Cognitive distortions... oh, my

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

The other day, my husband told me that he was doing better because he was now talking about his stress rather than stuffing it. I just looked at him, remembering the hours at a time that we have spent talking about his stress and his feelings and all that; I said, "when did you stuff this stress? Because I remember you talking about it at great lengths."  Seriously, I was a live in therapist and losing sleep due to the lengths of these conversations - he was talking about his feelings and anger and stress.

He enjoys the 'work' that he is doing and will tell people what they want to hear to fit in. I figure that if he's enjoying it, he's not really doing 'work'. Then he gets upset and tears up when I say I haven't seen changes in his behavior.

This kind of thinking really gets to me sometimes.  BPD craziness.

I'm feeling like I am just about done with all this.

[empath]

The other day, my husband told me that he was doing better because he was now talking about his stress rather than stuffing it. I just looked at him, remembering the hours at a time that we have spent talking about his stress and his feelings and all that; I said, "when did you stuff this stress? Because I remember you talking about it at great lengths."  Seriously, I was a live in therapist and losing sleep due to the lengths of these conversations - he was talking about his feelings and anger and stress.

He enjoys the 'work' that he is doing and will tell people what they want to hear to fit in. I figure that if he's enjoying it, he's not really doing 'work'. Then he gets upset and tears up when I say I haven't seen changes in his behavior.

This kind of thinking really gets to me sometimes.  BPD craziness.

I'm feeling like I am just about done with all this.

[LightnessOfBeing]

Sorry you're having to deal with this. It sounds like you're feeling unseen, and that's common, in my experience - all that we do for a BPDSO, no matter how much, often goes unacknowledged. That's hard, when we give and give, and they act like it didn't happened. I believe you when you say you gave and gave, that you were basically a live in therapist and sacrificing your own sleep.

I don't know what kind of therapy your H is in, but I can tell you that unless a practitioner specializes in personality disorders, some of them can inadvertently validate the pwBPD's cognitive distortions. You say he tells people what they want to hear in order to fit in; mine does too. The problem comes in when a therapist isn't aware of the high level of misreportage, truth-distortion, and outright confabulation that pwBPD engage in; in order for remediation to occur, cognitive distortions (ultimately) have to be challenged, not reinforced. The best BPD therapists do just that; ones who aren't familiar with the disorder can end up unintentionally making the situation worse, as now the pwBPD is having their deep-seated delusions validated. You make a good point - if he's enjoying it, it might not be work - the real work of PD remediation is challenging and sometimes painful.

For whatever it's worth, you're not alone. Life with a BPDSO is frustrating and draining. I've said to myself countless times "I'm just about done with this" :\

[Fian]

I think you have to be careful here.  If you just tell him that there is no change, then he will ask himself what is the point in going?  I think you should be careful to say that you are glad that he is going to therapy (reinforce a behavior that you want to continue), however you are still looking for him to do X.  To just say "it's not working" doesn't give him anything concrete to work on, but just condemns him as a incurable problem.

[SuperJew82]

Mine would say she was in therapy, and come back and tell me things I know a therapist would never say. It was very nerve-wracking.  Things like " I'm not so worried about your ( whatever dangerous behaviour at the time would be ) but more concerned about your issues "

I later found an open bill of "no show" charges from her doctors.

[formflier]

There is also a "boundary" issue here about discussing things that should be private... between a person and their therapist.

I get it that when someone just launches into a conversation and starts divulging things, it can be tricky to disengage.

Perhaps a better way forward is to suggest that you, hubby and T get together to review progress.  That way he can say it all in front of T... .and you... .T can guide a healthy sharing of perceptions and set next goals.

Thoughts?

FF

[empath]

As far as communication that should be private, the client 'owns' the information (for lack of a better way to put it). If they choose to discuss their issues with others, that is their right. He likes to talk to me about his emotional world.

When I communicate with him about these things, I use a lot of healthy communication skills (I have a good amount of training in that area) - with concrete examples of what I'm seeing. The last discussion that I had with his P was about the behaviors that I was still seeing at home, and she said that there was a lot more work to do. He hadn't made progress on the goal of accurate listening, even. However, he is no longer seeing a P, due to a lack of insurance and money. So, now he is going to Celebrate Recovery only.

[Reforming]

Hi empath,

I imagine this very challenging to deal with. I think the therapeutic / recovery process is very difficult for both partners.

He may well believe that he genuinely is confronting his problems while you cannot see any meaningful progress. And if you've been living with a disordered person for a long time your reserves of energy, patience and optimism can easily start to run very low.

I just looked at him, remembering the hours at a time that we have spent talking about his stress and his feelings and all that; I said, "when did you stuff this stress? Because I remember you talking about it at great lengths."

It sounds like you've been providing him with a lot of emotional support and validation but he struggles to acknowledge that. I can see how that would feel hurtful and invalidating.

When I communicate with him about these things, I use a lot of healthy communication skills (I have a good amount of training in that area) - with concrete examples of what I'm seeing.

It's great that you have these skills and that you're using them.

The last discussion that I had with his P was about the behaviors that I was still seeing at home, and she said that there was a lot more work to do. He hadn't made progress on the goal of accurate listening

I agree that accurate listening is a really important relationship skill. Would he be willing to try mindfulness?. It can really help you to stay present and be less reactive.

It sounds like you're heavily involved in his recovery. Do you get any you time? I know how hard it can be to model positive behaviour and not feel rewarded. It's important that you don't lose sight of your own needs too

However, he is no longer seeing a P, due to a lack of insurance and money. So, now he is going to Celebrate Recovery only.

This is hard and I imagine it increases the pressures on you. Is there any prospect of this situation changing?

Thanks for sharing

Reforming

[empath]

It sounds like you're heavily involved in his recovery. Do you get any you time? I know how hard it can be to model positive behaviour and not feel rewarded. It's important that you don't lose sight of your own needs too

Thanks so much for asking. Yes, I do. That has been the area that I've been growing in the most during the past few years. I have a much better support system and some healthy practices that I've incorporated into my life. The support system give me the validation that I need to keep my perspective when things get crazy.

This is hard and I imagine it increases the pressures on you. Is there any prospect of this situation changing?

It is unlikely to change in the near future. That pressure and the associated stresses are underlying my lack of patience with the process.