Lost my cool with him last night & forgot all my tools

[bananas2]

My BPDh & me have been getting along better recently & I believe it's mostly bc I've been extremely careful not to tell him when I'm upset with something he's done. He's ok if I express my anger about other things/ppl, but if it's related to him, he flys off the handle, so sadly, I've had to learn to suppress any anger I have toward him in order to keep the peace. I usually use my tools of staying calm, self-care, validation, etc., but last night I got triggered & all my tools went out the window.
We were celebrating something good that happened yesterday & so I had a couple of glasses of wine with dinner. Well, I think the alcohol lowered my inhibitions & out came some of the anger/resentment toward him. It was related to an ongoing problem with his job. He's a workaholic who puts his job ahead of everything - me, our relationship, his health, my health, family. He said he was going to work on it, but recently told me he's not going to do anything about it & that I will just have to accept it.
I've been suffering with this in silence, but last night I brought it back up. After the 2nd glass of wine kicked in, I just couldn't keep my feelings to myself anymore, and I let loose & told him (angrily) how I feel about it. Shockingly, he didn't have much of a reaction, except to be annoyed by me.
Now this morning, I'm feeling 2 things:
1) Upset with myself for losing my cool
2) Resentment toward him that I have to be the one who's always in control. The one who always has to stuff her feelings to accommodate him.

It's weird. I feel like a parent to him - like I was a "bad mom" for drinking wine around my child when I should be "watching" him. I'm an adult and want to be able to occasionally relax with some wine with my husband without always having to be on guard. So frustrating.
Anyone else feeling this way? How do you deal with it?

[JoeBPD81]

Hey,
You don't have to be perfect, even if you were his mother! We are human, and we have the right to fail. And we have the right to have feelings.

The steam has to go out somehow. Most people wouldn't take the things we take, not even for a week. We forgive them a thousand times, and we have a hard time forgiving ourselves once. Because we are supposed to be the steady one. Yeah, but not a robot, and not perfect.

To be good, you have to have some peace. Remember you are important.  You can be in control and good to him only as long as you don't lose yourself.  Doing something you need doesn't mean you failed. It was perfectly ok.  The fact that you  "lost it"  may have prevented losing it later in a much worse way.

You deserve to express your concerns.

[allienoah]

I can completely relate to feeling like the adult or parent. My pwBD can be so frustrating with his immaturity-or emotional outbursts-that I honestly feel like I have to teach him to behave like an adult. I find myself when I forget my tools saying things like "a grown-up would... .". I get very upset with myself because I know it is not my job to fix him or teach him the proper way to behave. Don't be hard on yourself. It is so much work staying mindful when these things happen. My guy had an outburst because I told him I would meet him at a mutual friend's home for dinner-he had to drop his kids at various friends' houses-. He felt I was acting as if I didn't want to be with him just because I needed to have my own car there (we were both going to our own respective homes after the dinner party-and he might have had to leave to pickup his kids at any time they called). To me it made common sense and I felt he should be secure enough in our relationship to be okay with that. He carried on that I should NEVER want to go anywhere without him, and should want to join him for the carpooling. It gets exhausting these little squabbles that turn into events so easily. I usually have to be the soothing one, the calming one and the teacher. And I'm not perfect! You are allowed to be an adult. Plain and simple

[WitzEndWife]

First of all, you're allowed to relax and have a glass of wine if that is what you want to do. Second, don't expect perfection from yourself. We all get angry. It's not bad to get angry. Our partners with BPD get angry a lot. My HwBPD isn't triggered by my anger, he actually prefers to move past it quickly, which can sometimes be a good thing if you're just blowing off steam.

Things that help me: Talking about my feelings here and with close friends, as well as with my therapist. Also, rehashing what I could have done differently to keep the situation from escalating for myself. It's a great tool to have for next time.

Also, regular exercise is a great stress reliever for me and helps dissipate some of the anger that might build up over time.

[Grey Kitty]

I've been extremely careful not to tell him when I'm upset with something he's done. He's ok if I express my anger about other things/ppl, but if it's related to him, he flys off the handle, so sadly, I've had to learn to suppress any anger I have toward him in order to keep the peace. I usually use my tools of staying calm, self-care, validation, etc., but last night I got triggered & all my tools went out the window.

I've got three things for you to think about:

First, you are human, you won't use all your tools in the best way every time. Nobody does. Be gentle with yourself, accept this, move on, and try to do a little better next time.

Second, try to be mindful of getting triggered. When you are, you have a lot fewer tools to use, so be aware of that. When I'm triggered, the best thing I can do is get away and stop interacting with the person who triggered me. (He might think you are angry at him if you leave, but if you stay, he will KNOW!)

Third, and most important: This building resentment you've been experiencing, this need to suppress anger is telling you something very important... .

  You aren't using the correct tools--you are trying to validate and stay calm in the face of provocation, and that really doesn't work. You need to protect yourself.

Instead, there are things you are angry about--things which you have every right to be angry about--that you are putting up with. The correct tool for that is boundary enforcement. Figure out what it is that is making you angry... .and we can help you figure out how to enforce a boundary to protect yourself from it.

[Tattered Heart]

Sometimes we lose our crap on our pwBPD. They have a great way of pushing our buttons. Don't beat yourself up over it. How many times have they blown up on us? We move past it; they will too.

More importantly though I'm concerned that you are stuffing your own emotions so tightly that they build pressure until you blow up. Think of this like a can of soda. When something happens, you say nothing. This is the equivalent of shaking the can. The more and more things happen, the more vigorously the can is being shaken. After so long, the pressure has to go somewhere and when the can of soda is opened, it blows up all over the place, making a mess wherever it goes. That's exactly what is happening with you.

By remaining silent, you are not honoring yourself. You are disrespecting yourself. You are denying yourself. You are telling yourself that you don't matter. All of these thoughts are incorrect thinking.

Your SO is going to get mad whether it's about something you say or something someone else says. That's just him being him. You cannot allow fear of his behavior control you. You are giving him all the power by doing this. Instead try to find ways of saying things in an authentic, firm, and direct way that shares from your heart, not from a place of fear. When he sees that you are being genuine he may respond better to feedback from you. For me, I'm learning that when I begin to feel fear about saying something, it actually means I need to say something.