Feeling Desperate

[Ragnar1982]

I'm all over the place over the last few days. Some moments I'm able to convince myself of all the awful things I put up with and feel ok for a few fleeting moments, but other than that I am constantly in a state of stress, anxiety, and irritability. I have this little voice in my head saying I made a mistake, but when I put the pieces together again I'm reminded that I can't be in a relationship with someone who lives with another man, no matter how messed up she lead me to believe their relationship is. I'm being impatient with my kids, I'm shutting out another woman who cares deeply for me, and I'm so unmotivated around the house and at work. I took my kids to a movie yesterday just so I could have them sit quietly for two hours and I could try and have some peace. I feel terrible about that. I just want the woman I love back. I want her as the woman I thought she was all the time, but clearly was only that person when it served her. I can't believe I'm even saying that after everything that has happened. I haven't heard from her since Friday and I've even gone as far as to unblock her number and FB just with the hopes that she notices or checks. I feel pathetic this weekend. Every time I feel like I'm making strides, I pull myself right back into the fantasy. I feel like a hypocrite for sharing on other people's posts, giving advice, etc. I feel strong enough not to contact, but too weak to move on from it. I just want her to understand and come running to me, for real this time, not false promises. I don't care what my friends and family would think. I just want her in my arms. I'm pathetic.

[roberto516]

Dude I feel the exact same way. i just said I wouldn't reach out to her anymore but I just sent her a text telling her exactly what this is. And how she let her fear of abandonment take over, and that when i started setting boundaries and asking for some mutual relationship work she painted me as all black and that was it. So i told her that I am rejecting her. And that she didn't break up with me. She let her insecurities get in the way of a really good person. But if she messaged me and said "Let's try again" I'd probably do it. I feel good though knowing she never will.

She has now found her new addiction and identity with yoga. And when that fails she will probably decide "well my real identity is to be married." So she will try again with someone and just cause the same chaos. And that's her own fault. Because that won't satisfy her and she will try something else.

But I get the hurt. It's because we have feelings and care about others. So we are left destroyed emotionally and experiencing the physical withdrawal. They don't. Because they don't know how to do that. I don't wish her any good things at this point. I know that will change.

I was with a borderline before for 3 years and I hope she's happy now. But I don't even think about her anymore or care what she's doing. So I know this will all pass. But there's a lot of regret and what if's because I knew better. But I was vulnerable when she showed an interest in me and lured me right in.

So that's alright. I'll be posting on here all the time until I feel better so we can utilize each other.

[vortex of confusion]

I'm all over the place over the last few days.

How long have you been out of the relationship?

My ex has been out of the house for a year now. I still have days when I feel all over the place. I don't want him back. I cannot and will not ever be in a relationship with him again. However, having said that, it takes a lot of time to wrap your mind around this stuff. Most days are fine. I don't think about him. I don't want him. Yet, the pain of what he said and did still lingers. It is going to take time to process that pain. 

I just want her in my arms. I'm pathetic.

Can you think about why you want her in your arms? What did having her in your arms mean to you?

I don't see it as pathetic. You gave a part of yourself to this person. I think it is more normal to continue to desire somebody that you had strong feelings for than it is to be able to walk away and not look back. You have to process all of those conflicting feelings. It is so hard to sort it all out and realize that you can't have the good without the bad. There were a lot of good things about ex yet there were also things about him that were not okay. I don't think I made a lot of progress until I was able to see that I couldn't have the good without the bad. The bad was too much for me to be able to handle. It wasn't good for me and it wasn't good for my kids.

It isn't likely that she will be able to understand. Even if she were to come running back, it would likely be the beginning of the same cycle. It might be great for a while. She might act like she understood for a while and things might be great. And then. . .it would be rinse, wash, repeat. I was with my ex for almost 20 years. I spent a lot of years where I would talk to him and tell him what I wanted and needed. He would nod and tell me everything I wanted to hear only to go back to doing the same stuff he had been doing. I deluded myself into listening to his words rather than his actions for years. I think it is okay to let yourself think about still wanting them as long as you don't act on it.

The longer you go without contact, the easier it will be to continue to move forward.

[lovenature]

Hey Ragnar, you're not pathetic, you have been involved with a serious mental illness that while running it's course has caused immense pain in your relationship.
You're partner isn't capable of seeing the relationship like you are; PWBPD are typically at the emotional maturity of a 3 year old.
Please really think about the woman who cares so much about you that you are shutting out, chances are she is seeing clearly what is going on and wants to help you.
Try to do what is best for YOU and your kids.