She shares too much online and I don't know how to handle it

[Hlinthewiking]

Hi guys, I'v been having a hard time to cope with what's going on and I would like some advice about this.

I'm in a relationship with a Bipolar1/BPD girl for just under 2 months. She's pretty much an internet addict and she never stops using her phone, it's driving me nuts.

The 2 major problems I find is that she doesn't have any boundaries and that because of the boundary problem along her impulsive issues, I don't know if I can ever trust her.

She's got a lot of friends on social media and many of them hit on her and send her inappropriate messages, she sometimes ignores them but can't block them, then after a while starts talking to them again. I don't know how to handle this.

One guy offered her to work as a prostitute to move in with him to earn some money and live in a better place... Her answer: "But I work everyday /sadface"... Really? This is just one of the examples, so several times a week I see her, she's using the phone in front of me, sometimes I see typing and it's some dude that is sending her hearts, telling her he loved her or whatever. This can't be right, sometimes I question myself, maybe I'm insecure, but I guess I have every reason to. She said she preferred to ignore them and was afraid to hurt their feelings... .

I don't know what to do :/, today I was very depressed, she tried to "help me" by showing me her secret Instagram acc that had posts of when she was sad, she had nude pics there with "hashtagtits".

Am I too insecure and jealous? I'm doing my best to tell her that this bothers me and at the the same time trying to cope but I just can't, how can I trust or attach her like this.

:/

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[CharmedJustice]

Hi there! I just wanted to swoop in to offer you some validation. My exBPD is  same way. He talks incessantly, mainly to women but really anyone who will engage. He would miss sleep due to sleep issues and be on Messenger talking to his exes, women he'd befriended on Tinder prior to our meeting, old high school crushes, women who found him attractive on FB-no discrimination. Sometimes I'd feel insecure and bring it up and he was mature enough about it in that we could discuss it and he'd offer solutions, the main one was giving me full access to his accounts for a time. I declined as this seemed to me to be incredibly codependent. We ultimately broke up because I couldnt move beyond issue or resolve it fast enough for him amongst other things. I will say though, I do not believe he was engaged in cheating behavior by our relationship standards or that he was being duplicitous. I was overwhelmed by volume and intensity of his conversation and found it unsettling. Has your GF Sat and talked to you about how you feel?

[Notwendy]

I think it is impossible to control someone else's actions or their boundaries. We can explain that something they do is hurtful, but then, the choice is up to them to choose to continue the activity or not.

Boundaries are a reflection of our own values. They are individual to each person. Dysfunctional people can have poor boundaries- but again, these boundaries are integral to them- some are even unconscious. We can change our boundaries, but in general that takes some insight and work to do that.

I have read that we tend to have chemistry with people who "match" us emotionally in some way- if they have poor boundaries , it is likely that we do too- maybe not in the exact same way, but in some way. When a person who has healthy boundaries begins to date someone who does not have them, the relationship often doesn't fit- and so doesn't last long. The person who has the healthy boundaries senses that something is "off" and the person with poor boundaries also doesn't feel a "fit".  This can also explain why people may tend to repeat patterns and behaviors in different relationships. So, if we are dating someone with poor boundaries, and or tend to choose people who have poor boundaries, there may be something about ours that predispose us to that.

This behavior bothers you- it is a mismatch of values. She thinks it is OK. You can ask her to not do this, but she chooses what to do. Your choice is what you do about it- accept that this is a part of the chemistry between you- the good parts of the relationship along with this behavior, or decide to find someone who also feels the same way about social media as you. You can also consider your part in this attraction- and work on that if you find you are attracted to people with poor boundaries.

[Sunfl0wer]

There is so much in what Notwendy has written, so much. All of it great!

I'm going to take a blunt approach... .

Am I too insecure and jealous? I'm doing my best to tell her that this bothers me and at the the same time trying to cope but I just can't, how can I trust or attach her like this

It sounds like you are trying to talk yourself into accepting what is unacceptable to you.

Imo, her behavior is unacceptable.  (According to my own values) I could not respect, little alone trust, a partner who did such things.  I could not respect myself for attempting to have any intimacy with such a person.  The way I see it, intimacy does require both a cetain level of trust, and respect to be present.  

The only way I can see you attaching to someone who has such opposite values is to lie to yourself.  
-Either about who she is*.
-Or about what your values are and what you want and need.

The opposite of all this is RA. (Radical Acceptance)
-RA of accepting who you are, your own values without dropping or bending them, and being true to yourself.
-RA of accepting that she is who she is.  What she has revealed to you in her behavior, IS who she is*.  

(*A person not vehmently opposed/offended to the possibility to prostituting herself. A person who currently consistently uses herself as a sexual object/objectifying herself to various men "in an addictive manner" to replace her sense of self worth/"self esteem" and thrives on this attention.)

[Hlinthewiking]

Has your GF Sat and talked to you about how you feel?

We did a couple times, it was worse before, she used to pretend nothing was happening and kept talking to them like it was normal. There was one guy who treated her like she was his girlfriend, he would tell her he loved her pretty much every day, say good night and good morning, like and comment every single picture she had, he was beyond creepy. We spoke a couple of times about him, I told her how weird and creepy it was and that if some girl I don't know came out of nowhere telling me she loved me and treating me like that it would be mind boggling, I would question why she was acting that way or simple block because that's crazy.

After we talked she began ignoring him at first, but kept liking the comments he made on her pictures and he kept on sending messages even though she wasn't answering. A week later she finally replied him and they had a long conversation, I talked to her again and kinda gave her an ultimatum, told her I wouldn't accept that behavior and that it was beyond creepy. She finally spoke to him, when she did he freaked out, told her all he ever did was love her, removed every single comment from every single picture she had, unliked everything she ever posted then started to send threatening messages to her, blocking and unblocking her, telling her that he may forgive her if she made the right choice (leave me and go back to their long distance relationship, since they NEVER MET IN PERSON), he kept on stalking and threatening her for a week before she blocked him (I think).

I asked her where the heck she met that guy, it was like a horror flick, "Fatal Attraction", she said she met him on a BPD forum. All her friends are all addicts, borders and people that go to parties and drink til they pass out, have sex with strangers... .She says she wants to get better but still seeks these type of friendships and I don't know how to help her, I can't tell her "you can't be friends with that person"... .

  Notwendy I agree 100%, I do have boundary problems, though I believe I'm getting better as time goes on and like you said, it's not the same for everyone, we deal with it differently. I'v had 3 girlfriends before this and 2 of them were BPD, this is a serious pattern for me... .

The only reason I decided to give it a try for this is the fact she agrees she has a problem, takes medication and goes to therapy, but it's hard to discuss this because when I bring the subject up she feels engulfment, she says she feels trapped and that I'm trying to control her, at the same time, I don't want to have to tell her that if she doesn't change this I will leave her, because that would trigger her abandonment issues, I think it's pretty obvious I keep bringing this subject up and that it's bothering me a lot.

  Sunfl0wer

Thank you for sharing your opinion, I sometimes feel like I'm overreacting due to need for possession or for jealousy, but it feels wrong to me too. She's working hard to try to change and I think this problem is due to her self esteem, like you said she seeks validation elsewhere, If I could find a way to tell her this in a complete way, since every time we talk about it, I have to do it partially and provide support and validate her, if I could at least try to have her discuss this in therapy... .I have self esteem issues too, but she takes it to a whole new level of attention seeking.

I have nightmares with this, I want to respect her, but she doesn't respect herself. I keep thinking that someone will grope her on the street or something like that and I try to defend her and the guy simple says "But she lets me, you don't owe her"... .I want to relax and know she can take care of herself and support me when I try to defend her. I feel so powerless, this is like an impossible scenario. She barely has any real friends, one of her friends is an ex boyfriend who uses drugs, drinks and drives, invites her to do illegal/self destructive activities and she has admitted that would go back to her if she asked.

TL:)R: She says she wants help, wants to change, but she uses too much selective memory and uses self destructive behaviors to escape reality. I want to help her, but I don't know how to approach it. Any suggestions? I want to have a serious talk to her, make schedule a day to talk to her on therapy, but I don't know how or when to bring it up.

[Sunfl0wer]

Sounds like you are not interested in who this girl is... .
who she is showing you she is.

You are interested in her potential.

You cannot build a relationship with someone based on who you want them to be.
You just cannot.

Hence the point of RA.

[Notwendy]

I think it may help to consider the purpose of dating. Dating is a means of finding a compatible partner. It isn't a permanent commitment because not everyone is compatible partners. Dating generally starts with some mutual attraction- and then characteristics become visible during dating. I think it is easy to confuse attraction with compatibility.

Our values are unique to us, and they don't have to be judged. People can and should have a set of values for themselves and what they look for in a potential partner. If we value fidelity and modesty, and date someone who wants to post seductive pictures on line and flirt, then we are dating someone who has a set of values that are not compatible with ours.

I think, when we have poor boundaries, we can loose sight of who we are and who they are- as separate people. If we are merged with them, then in a way, I think we delude ourselves into thinking that they are like us- or that somehow they will see the light and be like us. An intimate relationship can blur these boundaries because we are also physically bonded to them.

If we are too picky, then it is hard to find a compatible partner, but we don't have to compromise on our basic core values. For example, if someone wants to marry someone of the same religion, and then dates someone from a different religion, hoping that person will change one day, are they really being fair to themselves and the other person? Is either person wrong? No, but they are incompatible in one of their core values.

You are disturbed by her actions on social media,  but she seems OK with this. This is a difference between the two of you.