Adult child with BPD, I need support

[Mummaloo]

My daughter is 36, she has BPD and OCD. We have been estranged for about 1 1/2 yrs. about a month ago she called in desperation saying she was homeless. We agreed she could come home while she looked for somewhere else to live. She is on disability from the gov and we also give her a monthly amount to help her. She was going out to look at available suites but then an opportunity came up through a mental health association that offered her housing. She seemed excited and went through the process and she got the place. But then all hell broke loose she was riddled with doubts and suspicions about getting involved with the ministry. Since Friday she has been in terrible rages screaming at us all kinds of terrible things. On Sunday she went into one of the worst rages we have seen because I said she might regret it of she did not take the apartment. She spat at us and said she would rather be homeless than stay. So she left. We find out she went to the apartment because she has the key. She is now begging forgiveness and wanting to come back home, where she says she can continue looking for another place. She says she cannot stay there for all kinds of reasons. My husband says he will not have her back. We want to help her and are communicating. We feel in crisis over this. When she is here she says she is dying here and can't look after herself because of the environment. She does not like that we watch tv. She is an extremely over sensitive person. We are a middle class family with a decent house and she finds us toxic. I want to say that she can come home if she is desperate but my husband says no she has to work it out where she is, he feels we will be taken in again and just have to suffer through her abusive breakdowns. As you all probably know it is like walking on eggshells. Is it in her best interests to tell her no she can't come home? I am a person who suffers from anxiety and I take medication I don't think I could cope without it. She blames her problems on us of course.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[abcdef1]

with a few changes I could have written this post. I recently discovered that BPD/NPD was the reason my duahgter is acting this way. I saw her first real rage about 3 weeks ago and ever since she has basically been NC with just a pm or phone call once weekly. Right now we are NOT communicating.
'When she is here she says she is dying here and can't look after herself because of the environment. She does not like that we watch tv. She is an extremely over sensitive person.'

My daughter also feels that way and its rubbing off on her kids. right now distance may be best for all of you. I used to beg her and chase her and regretted it every time she did come bc she made us all miserable.
'We are a middle class family with a decent house and she finds us toxic. I want to say that she can come home if she is desperate but my husband says no she has to work it out where she is, he feels we will be taken in again and just have to suffer through her abusive breakdowns. As you all probably know it is like walking on eggshells. Is it in her best interests to tell her no she can't come home? '

same here, and hubs is glad she is not coming... BTW he missed her last rage,,,im tired of walking on eggshells. I say let her stay out until she agrees to get help. Yes it is in YOUR best interests so that makes it in hers too. Is in her best interest to have anxious sick parents? I have been choosing her all this time... but now I am choosing US. I suggest you read the lessons on the side... but ultimately the choice is yours. I can no longer ride her merry go round. If you can, more power to you. WIshing u luck and sending hugs... .(BTW my DD is 29 and divorced).    

[Mummaloo]

Thanks for your kind thoughts. It is very comforting to know that we are not alone in this struggle. So far we are standing firm and hoping that she will be able to make a go of it at her new place. My doctor told me yesterday we need to work on what is best for us and I agree but as a mum it is so hard to accept that I can't fix it! But all the blame she spews out is very hard to take and I don't want to listen to it any more.

[abcdef1]

I know exactly how u feel. she blames me for everything that is horrible in her life due to her choices. Now she is NC and using ,y grandkids to further her own agenda in this bc that is the ONLY thing she can use. I feel yr apin. We have to get off the merrygoround and stand firm as hard and almost impossible as it may be, bc if not we will end up insane and destroy our own lives.

[Lollypop]

Hi mummaloo

I just wanted to say hello and welcome you to the board.

I have my adult BPDs26 living at home with us and I can fully understand how you're feeling.

I encourage you to read as much as you can and the place to start is the top right hand links at the top of this page if you haven't done so already.

I've completely changed the way I interact with my BPDs since being in this forum. I've worked on improving my communication and validation skills and BPDs slowly started to respond positively. We have a much better relationship, despite the problems.

I understand that, whatever happens, he needs us to be the parents he needs, not the one I thought I should be. I'm more confident in being assertive when I need to be but in a loving way,

Moving out of your home must have been stressful for her. It's a shame she views it so negatively but in my experience my BPDs can change opinions quickly depending on his mood.

Is your daughter in treatment?

Does she live very far away from you?

L