BPDbioMom demands Skype for 15 minutes a day

[newlymarried]

BPDbiomom is leaking back into our house and I am very frustrated. She demanded Skype and now is in our house for 15 minutes a day. She yells at and hits SD8's half brothers during Skype. That violent angry behavior really upsets little and she has a hard time coping.  It was much more peaceful in our house when she went months without contacting little.

I wish that she couldn't make me nuts.

Since September when she sent the angry lawyer letter and we had to get a lawyer, we have to talk and strategize about what to do with the crazy and how we can keep little safe. I just want her to go away, and it will really suck if child support is the only way we can make that happen. It has been 5 years and she has done nothing for the well-being of little.

[Panda39]

Hi newlymarried,

I'm very familiar with your anger at BPDmom, I arrived here a very angry lady too.  I got some good advice from another member and it was to focus on the kids not the mom.  I know that is easier said than done particularly when they intrude into your life. Show your SD8 how a healthy mom/woman behaves, be a consistent presence, let her know that BPDmom's behaviors are not her fault, and validate her feelings. 

Unfortunately, mom is going to do what mom is going to do and will ultimately suffer the consequences of her actions.  Does that mean let her run a muck no, but there are some situations that you just need to let go of.  Keep what is in the best interest of SD8 foremost in your mind and act accordingly.

You might want to check out the co-parenting board too there are some resources that could be helpful.

Was the Skype court ordered?  If not I would just go back to phone calls.  If it was court ordered is there a way you can record (either the actual call-not sure if that's legal or just keep a journal) what your SD is being subjected to and request a change?

Hang in there,
Panda39

[newlymarried]

Unfortunately Skype is through the court. I am just sad that it makes little so upset.

Little is a great kid. She loves her Dad and our family.

We are going to tell our lawyer to help us with limits regarding Skype.

[soundofmusicgirl]

newlymarried. Yes, I understand your angers so so very much. We only have my SSs during school breaks, which is not a lot. So the little time we do have with them we treasure immensely. It makes me so mad that court order says they have to call BPDmom EVERY DAY. They do not really care to talk to her but just want to enjoy their little time with us. But BPDmom always makes it a big production. She instructed them to ask us for privacy and to hide out in a seperate room from us during the calls. Usually there is some fight between the boys during their call with mom. So it sets a nice tone for the day. Our court order says that when they turn 12 that will stop. I am sure BPDmom will go nuts and will call every day anyway. She tried to convince my DH that she needs to skype or facetime with them every day (my DH of course barely gets his 30 min twice a week) and told him that those are the same thing as a phone call.

[DreamGirl]

"Peace" becomes different when you have a pwBPD involved. And it can be so hard to watch.

A child's ability to cope is usually based on resilience. It's why one child can handle a similar situation better then another - they are just better equipped in dealing with it.

Is your SD stressed leading up to the phone call? Excited?

Is there a way to help her in this by setting aside that which we can't really control (like her mom hitting her half siblings in front of her) by helping her cope better?

[livednlearned]

Hi newlymarried,

Wow. 15 minutes of Skype each day. That's tough.

My son had to do court-ordered calls and he hated them.

What is your goal going forward? To end the calls? To help SD8 figure out a strategy to deal with them in healthy ways?

How long have the calls been going on? What does the actual order say? Is biomom consistently initiating the calls? How long do they last?

Maybe we can help brainstorm or provide some perspectives that might work in your situation.

My son overheard me saying on a Skype call that I was on wireless and it kept crashing my computer, that I would need to log off and dial back in. I heard him saying almost the same things a few days later while talking to his dad.   

Does the court order actually say Skype? Could you use a free conference call line if cost is an issue?

[newlymarried]

Mom initiates the calls, and yells and hits the other children almost immediately. She also is inconsistent with them. I offically changed my name to my last name-husband's last name. I updated Skype and Mom didn't call after the change.

Little has been told that if the calls make her uncomfortable, she can end them. She has watched her Biomom enough to know that if she does end the call early, Mom will rage. Little told me yesterday, that watching her mom makes her want to cry. I told her that I can't control what happens in her mom's house, and I was sorry that she was sad.

We are waiting for a CFI report to see if the recommendation is that the calls be shortened. Waiting for the CFI is also really difficult for our family, because we can't do anything and our lawyer won't move forward with things until we have a hard copy of the CFI report. The CFI was started in November, it is practically March.

My goal moving forward is to make sure that little feels safe even when having to deal with violence vicariously.

[newlymarried]

"Peace" becomes different when you have a pwBPD involved. And it can be so hard to watch.

A child's ability to cope is usually based on resilience. It's why one child can handle a similar situation better then another - they are just better equipped in dealing with it.

Is your SD stressed leading up to the phone call? Excited?

Is there a way to help her in this by setting aside that which we can't really control (like her mom hitting her half siblings in front of her) by helping her cope better?

Little is really stressed about the calls because she gets worried about how mom will act.

[DreamGirl]

Little is really stressed about the calls because she gets worried about how mom will act.

The unpredictability?

The hitting the boys?

Why does that upset her? (I mean I know why it upsets me - but sometimes we can help kids feel better about situations by validating the feelings and helping with any fears)

My stepdaughters always really struggled with transition days. They would become really stressed from the moment they woke up. We switched some things up to help - like instead of making mom come over, my husband would drop them off. Because they hated the waiting and worrying if mom was going to fight with dad or if she was going to be early or late.

15 minutes Skype everyday does seem pretty excessive. How old is she? Does mom have visits at this point?

[newlymarried]

She is stressed by the inconsistency. She is stressed by how her mother behaves.