My BPDs has asked for medical help

[Lollypop]

Hi

Finally, after 14 months, my BPDs26 went to see a GP tonight and asked "I'd like you to help me get treatment".

The GP agreed to refer him for a face to face mental health assessment.

I've told my BPDs that no matter what, he will not cancel the appointment .He agreed.

its been a challenging few weeks and my neuralgia has kicked off big time and I'm praying I can get myself sufficiently de-stressed to alleviate the pain. I do not want to go back onto medication.  This has taken away my joy at my BPDs taking this step.

Thanks to everyone on this forum to help me cope, change and have better wisdom.

Baby steps. There's a long journey ahead.

L

Ps. I'm going to have a glass of wine and sit deeply back in a chair.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hey Lollypop

YES  , I share your joy LP dancing the jig of joy with you. What a significant breakthrough, and the relief you must feel that he's taking that step of responsibility to help himself, recognises he needs help and direction  You've done an amazing job over the last 14 months, you've used and adapted every tool in the box and are proof we can change and gain better outcomes, I'm so proud of your achievements you deserve my dear.   

I'm sorry the last weeks have been stressful, to hear you are in pain, that's unfair as you say and I hope you are able to manage without reverting to meds. What are you doing for self care? It's so easy for us to lose track in times of stress, perhaps we have t-shirts to hand that we can whip on 'I'm mindfully caring for me at this moment and it feels great'.

Onwards we gently go 

WDx

[Lollypop]

Hi WD

I don't feel stressed but reasoning and logic tell me I should be. The fact my neuralgia has kicked in with a vengeance after being in the background for years is telling me something.  I've made a doctor's appointment for Tuesday and I'm convinced low B12 is contributing and that's easily resolved with some injections. The perpetual throbbing and feeling like my teeth are ready to drop out is just driving me mad.

My art course covers so much about taking care of myself but my physical well-being needs addressing. Quite honestly, I need to get some weight off, move more, eat better and drink less. This is becoming a priority and I've ignored it so far as I've tried to cope with everything else.  Losing weight requires complete focus and I don't feel that I can manage that at this time.

We are not miracle workers and something has to give. Unfortunately, it's been my body.

I'm currently taking too many painkillers and they're just not working, so I'm going to the pharmacist this afternoon (after cleaning the bathrooms ready for the mother-in-law's visit for a WHOLE week!).  The house is absolutely filthy and there's no food in the house so my weekend will be full of boring duties. I could really have done without her visiting but she's 85 and that's very important.

It's difficult when everything in your life becomes a priority but today being pain free comes first.

On a very positive note, I've decided to take an hour out this week to try a yoga class, despite having a visitor, and I'm determined to eat well.

Baby steps for me.

You've reminded me to go gently, thank you.

L

[Bright Day Mom]

Lollypop I join Wendy in this HUGE step forward.  I know how long and difficult of a road and it is wonderful HE is seeking help.

Yoga, fantastic!   You deserve and need the break.  I have found small changes can make a BIG difference and have been applying this to many aspects (helping my BPD D, hubby, work, and personal).  One less drink, one less pill, one more block. Slow and steady wins the race!

[Rkmom]

Hello Lollypop,
First a big hug to you. I am so happy for you about your son wanting to get help. I hope he finds a good doctor and a really good therapist who will help him.
Sorry to hear about your pain. The neuralgia may be because of a dietary insufficiency. Good for you to take little steps, no not really, they are big steps that you are taking to look after your self. I am rooting for you because I am finding that I am not able to even make myself go for a five minute walk for the last 6 months.
Rkmom.

[Lollypop]

Hi there RKmom

Thanks for your kind encouragement. I've got two dogs and we give them one good walk each day. Quite often I'll make an excuse as I can't bear the misery of stomping around in the English windy cold wet weather on top of a hill. Still having the dogs gives us a reason to get out and without them we'd get a lot less exercise.

That naughty and powerful chimp part of our brains stops us doing things that we know are good for us. I've been told that it's best to do something that you enjoy, unfortunately I'm the person who buys the outfit, does it for a few weeks and then lapses.

How about we make one promise to each other this week? I'll go to a yoga class and you go for one walk?

Hugs
L

[wendydarling]

Hey Lollypop 

Shout out to you my dear  , how's those good small steps going for you and your beautiful son?

WDx

[Lollypop]

Hi WD

Well, I was at first disappointed to see his first appointment was at the GP practice with a nurse for initial screening. I was expecting BPDs to at least get his first assessment with the mental health team which I guess is the next step.

Ive reflected on it and thought "it's good to start at the very beginning, he's on the radar and he'll go through the hoops one by one". IF he finds her receptive and he likes her then this also provides another level of support he can access.

I asked him how he felt about it. "I'm ok with it Mum, but if I get that bxxch I had last time then I'm going to shout and scream so she can see I'm a mental case and she'll definitely refer me".

Looking on the positive side, he's planning to go.  I'll hopefully be a calming influence (!) in the morning before he leaves for the appointment on 3 April.

He's had a rollercoaster of a week with the GF again. It's a constant cycle with a few days relief as they reconcile then the arguments start. She's talked to her mum who has suggested they compromise. I quietly laughed when BPDs told me this as the look of incredulity on his face was hilarious (say what! Me? Compromise? Never, it's her - not me!).  Fortunately I kept my face  straight.

He directly asked me if I thought he was being a shxx boyfriend.  This is a first. It's interesting he wanted my opinion. I don't want to interfere.

I felt unsure how to proceed because He has  to work out these problems himself.   In my opinion, they should split up as she has a different agenda: wants to socialise, have fun and is desperate to go travelling early summer and he promised he'd go.  He refuses to go to the pub and resents taking her places because of the petrol costs. He's obsessed with not spending money and finds socialising overwhelming and difficult. Meanwhile, he wants to get more equipment and get his final ticket so he can then be able to work anywhere And earn more: he's getting his life together.  He feels torn and guilty - he's in FOG. I told him I felt he was in the brink of finally getting things on track and he completely and rather excitedly agreed.

He's doing great. When he's not, it's GF related or challenges managing money.

Rightly or wrongly, this is what is said.

"You know I cant tell you what to do. What I can do though is describe what I see and that's a young man of 26 with mental health issues trying to get his life together who is in a relationship with an 18 year old girl who is going to Uni in September. They are struggling to socially interact because of the age gap and their situation". He asked me "socially interact with each other?".  "Yes."

He said "I can't do this right now" and left.

I'm not worrying about the choices he makes about his priorities. He's feeling confused and the path to treatment isn't set yet but I'm hopeful he will see it's key for his life.

I've offered to him and the GF to speak to the GF about BPD to help her understand a bit better.  She's asked for a book but told me not to tell him. She walks on eggshells and just doesn't cope well with him (I haven't voiced this). I think He bullies her and she's besotted with him.

It's a thin line of gentle guidance and interference.

Any thoughts WD? Have I gone too far down a line of non-interference?

LP

[wendydarling]

Hi LP

Ive reflected on it and thought "it's good to start at the very beginning, he's on the radar and he'll go through the hoops one by one". IF he finds her receptive and he likes her then this also provides another level of support he can access.
I asked him how he felt about it. "I'm ok with it Mum, but if I get that bxxch I had last time then I'm going to shout and scream so she can see I'm a mental case and she'll definitely refer me".

I agree with you LP, the larger the number of people your son has in his health service network, from nurses, GP, crisis team, DPT group leaders, therapists, psychiatrists the more supported and accepted he'll feel. It's quite amazing how many people my daughter now knows, a 'super highway network' where she is understood and accepted.  It is a slow journey, patience is key, as is a firm expectation at each stage that the services will be delivered. It was important for my daughter that I was walking with her and once on the waiting list, the head of the mental health team was aware both I and daughter were regularly and independently checking in with the head to see how far she'd moved up the list. I felt entitled to do so (and given permission by DD) as I was called in to meet the head and they carried out a carers well being assessment, you'll be entitled to the carers assessment once your son is on the list as your son lives at home. It's a legal requirement. 

That sounds very familiar "I'm going to shout and scream so she can see I'm a mental case and she'll definitely refer me" and it worked for my DD when the hospital tried to discharge her February 2016 and she refused with screaming and shouting, they moved her to recover from her crisis to the women's home, she was very proud she'd stood her ground, texted me to say Mum I'm so glad you left and were not there to see how I had to demonstrate my pain on the ward shouting and screaming for help. For me that is a significant and positive statement from your son, he's on the journey to taking control and challenging 

GF, it appears to me from what you say, your son may be confused how to prioritise aspirations and changes he may need to make with GF v his latest mental health wellbeing aspirations, that are his! That they come to you for balance as they move forward I do not believe you are interfering. Be mindful of your role and theirs https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=4.0

My DD over the last two years, let go a number of relationships that did not fit her future, her path forward. If your son continues to think through what's best for him, he'll likely get there 

WDx

[Lollypop]

Thank you

I'm adjusting to our next phase. I'm aware he uses me to vent and I've a few concerns about too much dependency yet at the same time, without increased difficulties to cope he won't be motivated to change. I work to keep detached as much as I can and encourage him to problem solve. He resists to find a way to self smooth other than weed.  I'm glad we can talk openly and, as he said last week when I did a re-do by text then called him later that day "I know you're not my shrink mum, I just need to vent, it's ok".

He has refused the last three reunions with his oldest friends. He is critical about their drinking and new drug habits; they like to club etc and my BPDs sounds like a grumpy old man talking about waste of money.  Interesting that you say your daughter has parted with a few too. Wise mind decisions!

Great advice WD. Gently forwards we go.

LP

[wendydarling]

LP how's it going?

Is your sons appointment 3 April - tomorrow?

WDx

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi WD

Yes it is. He mentioned it this morning as he said he was glad to take a day off.

Predictible behaviour today. "I feel really unwell mum. I think I'm coming down with something. Let me show you how bad work was yesterday. I'm covered in scrapes, cuts and burns. My finger is infected and I've got splinters all over my hands. I feel bad today. I've got my appointment tomorrow and it's the same nurse (sad face - referring to last assessment at the practice nearly 7 years ago).

He's asking for some attention. Bless.

I'm a bit nervous about how tomorrow goes but have hopes he'll deal with it ok.

LP

[wendydarling]

Hi LP

Bless him. That made me smile, yes - sounds like he's looking for reassurance. It must be hard not to hold on to painful feelings of the past and recognise he has changed, it's a new path.

How about this one DD found yesterday while sorting through old boxes... .

Leaving home letter 29.1.97 (8 years old) - written at school and spelling corrected.

Dear Mum

I'm bored of school. It's not fare why can't I have one year off school. I hate going to my friends house he doesn't let me do what I want to do! It's not fare why can't I have a pet in the house like a mouse why cant I suck my thumb why can't I have anything. This is what I tock my bed my Teddy Bear and popcorn, tv, the fridge and my clothes and last of all I have gone to my dads.

By Mum

Your xxx

DD thought it was hysterical clearly nothings changed  it opened up a good conversation about how traumatic school was for her and why. eg, she faked being ill to get off a trip to a Victorian museum where they were going to re-enact, she feared being flogged!

All the best for tomorrow LP and look forward to hearing how it went.

WDx

[Lollypop]

WD

Just hilarious.

The "by mum" tickled me pink.

LP