My daughter has anorexia and BPD, I'm trying very hard to make sense of it all.

[Phillyjane]

Reaching out to see if I can find support while trying to get help for my daughter who is 19.  She is in treatment for anorexia/bulimia, this is her second admission.  It is so hard to cope with her I find that I need to take care of myself first and the guilt of not helping her is killing me. She is so manipulative and refuses to do anything to take care of herself, she does not have her diploma, drivers license and refuses do do any chores at home!  Her behavior is intolerable to me and I simply can have her home with me.  As soon as her dad(my ex husband) hold her accountable she starts to self distrust!  I feel helpless and alone

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MemeMom]

I have been and am in a very similar situation.  My 16 year old daughter was hospitalized with anorexia last spring, did the partial hospitalization over the summer.  Come fall of last year she began using pot (I think to "self medicate" her anorexia", but quickly got into acid and molly.  Like your daughter, the more you try to keep them from spiraling further out of control, the farther off the deep end she goes.  She has since found a "new family" and manipulated them into taking me to court for custody, so that is where I am at right now.  Their reasoning is that if she is forced to come home she will kill herself and what other manipulations/lies, etc... will she do if she is forced to return home?  It is only her and I in the house as my oldest daughter is off at college in another city.  I wish I had answers for you... .and me... .but you are so not alone!

[takingandsending]

Hi Phillyjane,

I wanted to welcome you to bpdfamily.

It is very hard to see someone that we love struggle and fall with this illness, and get blamed for all of our attempts to support or help them in the process. You are on the money in needing to take care of yourself first. There's a saying on these forums that we need to put on our own oxygen mask first before we try to help our pwBPD put on their oxygen mask. So, I really applaud you for knowing that you need to care for yourself, even though every part of you as a mother is crying out to help your daughter.

Can you tell us a little more about your situation? Has your daughter been diagnosed as BPD by the hospitals/psychiatrist? Is she receiving any treatment? Your daughter is 19, so is she deciding who she is living with at this point?

There are small steps that we can take, as people who live or interact with a pwBPD, that can help ... .help us to build and keep healthy boundaries and help the pwBPD not feel invalidated as much as they might otherwise. The communication tools at the right of this page are really invaluable. I really encourage you to look through the tools about listening, validating, not reacting and communicating boundaries. You may already know a lot of these tools, but some of them are pretty counter-intuitive.

Lastly, is there a local NAMI office near where you live? NAMI is a good organization that provides help to people and families of people suffering from mental illness. They were a big help to me in grieving and coping with my relationship with my BPD wife and mother of my children. As MemeMom stated, you are not alone. There are so many here who can understand where you are standing right now and can provide a safe place to tell your story and learn how to take care of yourself, even as you help your daughter. Keep posting. Let us know how you are doing.