How do you let go of the hope?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

When I try to really examine why I have been unable to walk away from what has become very obviously abusive behavior, I keep returning to one idea. I cannot quite let go of the idea that he can go back to being the person he was during the honeymoon period.

I KNOW it won't happen. My therapist has repeated this to me. My friends have told me. Everything I read has supported that this isn't possible. I KNOW... .but I hope for it anyways and then hate myself for hoping.

How long does it take to make peace with the idea that your partner will never be that person, and in many ways never really WAS that person?

[Lalathegreat]

When I try to really examine why I have been unable to walk away from what has become very obviously abusive behavior, I keep returning to one idea. I cannot quite let go of the idea that he can go back to being the person he was during the honeymoon period.

I KNOW it won't happen. My therapist has repeated this to me. My friends have told me. Everything I read has supported that this isn't possible. I KNOW... .but I hope for it anyways and then hate myself for hoping.

How long does it take to make peace with the idea that your partner will never be that person, and in many ways never really WAS that person?

[Ragnar1982]

It's a daily struggle. I was thinking about the same thing today. I even told one of her friends I hope she finds a way to get help and eventually be the person I fell in love with, but I also said that I don't believe that person really ever existed. It's like being in love with a ghost.

[Duped 1]

Well stated Ragnar. The thought that she could go back to like she was in the beginning kept me addicted for way too long as she just got worse and worse. The longer we were together the more the real her emerged: selfish, verbally abusive, completely lacking empathy, no accountability, blaming me for everything, rude and disrespectful behavior on a regular basis, demonizing me to her family, etc.

[chefwife]

They are ghosts, and they never go back to how they were unless it's for temporary periods to manipulate you into getting whatever it is they want. I just got off a really bad down period with my BPD H and before I could place my foot firmly on the ground and begin that uphill, romantic, manic "honeymoon" phase, he's sending me back down again. I feel like I'm being pushed underwater, like I'm being drowned. And I only stick through these low times because I'm living for the good times with him but those are less and less frequent and when they do happen, the good times are shorter bursts. He's turning nasty probably 75% of the time at this point. And I know it will take me ending the relationship, kicking him out or doing something extreme (because status quo or a simply consistent relationship is never enough for him) to get him to kick in the "chase" which is where he becomes sweet, remorseful, and suddenly madly in love with me. You're basically chasing something that will never happen again... .

[TDeer]

Thank you for posting this. I wish I had some words of comfort besides the fact that hope is a great thing and that means you're a great person. Unfortunately it does get used against us.

[lovenature]

It takes what it takes, there are many variables that dictate the timeline.
I found what helped me the most was reading, posting, learning all I could about BPD, and then learning why I tried so hard to make an unhealthy relationship work. Above all else be realistic about your situation and the chances of it being healthy for either of you.

[formflier]

  My therapist has repeated this to me. 

This type of thing is best worked through with a T.  You can certainly share with us and we can generally help. 

This type of deep... .core value type understanding is best handled with a trained T.

I'm glad you are seeing someone.

 

FF