What to do next...

[Lalathegreat]

At the moment I feel that I have been painted black by my BPD partner. I cannot do anything right, I feel the only reason he hasn't exploded at me over the past few days is only because he has pushed me so far away emotionally that he is able to "not care" about me or my feelings whatsoever. Yesterday as I was leaving his house he said something like "I'm sorry if I'm not being good enough to you... ." I responded with "What do you mean?" And he said simply "I don't know if I'm good enough for you because I'm not paying attention to whether I'm being good enough to you."

Another example - while I was watching his son I ran a load of laundry and folded it. Ordinarily he would thank me. This time he said simply "Hey, don't do housework if you're trying to please me - if it's not about pleasing me than by all means clean as much as you want."

So at any rate, things like that coupled with his one word text responses, evidence of cheating (open condoms in his bathroom left where I could/would find them), make me wonder if the relationship is pretty much already over in his mind and that "breaking up" could be as simple as NOT attempting to "save it".

Am I naive to think that it could possibly be that simple? If I stop texting him and engaging in the drama, can I get out at this point without having to have a big scene? In some ways I feel like he's already broken up with me and is just waiting for me to realize it.

I know it's passive. I know it lacks courage, but heaven help me - I'm not sure I could look him in the eye and tell him that I want out no matter how much I know it's for the best. I hate reinforcing all of the horrible things that he has said to me about living a passive aggressive life, but I just don't want anymore fighting.

[patientandclear]

If you just stop ... .HE likely will take steps to pull you back in. Though the nature of the relationship may shift, he will not want it to end entirely.

I misinterpreted my own ex's appeals to me to stay in his life or return; when they came I thought they meant more than they did, and he wasn't able to stay in the place of seeming clarity he expressed when he made the appeal for me to return to his life. But the appeals were very powerful and I would imagine that is in your future if you just "stop." What he has in place of you won't be fully satisfying for very long.

Your story sounds so confusing for you. I relate to it, especially wondering why your feelings didn't turn away from the r/ship after he began hurting you. One thing I'll caution is that understanding this disorder can help depersonalize the rejection and cruelty but it can also blunt your "it's time to go" alarm mechanism. Understanding can rationalize staying, if that makes sense. It did for me. The theory that if you stay you can make changes to make it better (what FormFlier said in another thread of yours) is valid from all I've seen; but it does not become better in the sense that you are no longer mistreated. It becomes better in how you manage the mistreatment.

I was in a long term verbally and eventually physically abusive marriage before my recent relationship with a pwBPD. After my marriage ended (because my H did something so horrible to me and my little kid in front of my family that I couldn't avoid taking action because there were witnesses), I realized that I'd lost a sense of where the line was. After I'd stayed through being called a ___, being spit at, and all the things that came after that, why would any day be the day I left? It just all became a continuum with no bright lines. And I kept trying to do better, manage it better.

Afterwards I promised myself that I'd leave anyone who abused me. I'd make a bright line. One "___" or one "spitting." Because that stuff means there is an impulse to scapegoat and a lack of self regulation. It's not an incident, it's a mechanism that is there for a reason, usually a reason that they have little or no insight about.

Yet after all that, when my pwBPD started hurting me (emotionally only), I kept engaging with him because I thought our thing was SO special and SO deep and I so didn't want to lose that. Much like your feeling on another thread that it would be like going without air. I found myself losing that sense of where the line was, again. This time because I wanted it so much. So I dove into understanding it to try to find the key that would make it so I didn't have to lose him, and I could "solve" this.

But the fact that I came to clearly see that his withdrawing and betrayals are about control doesn't mean he doesn't still seek control. His impulses are so strong. My practices improved but his actions repeated. The only way your practices can "make it better" is that you no longer make it a big deal when you are abused or tossed out or betrayed or baited and switched. My therapist commented recently that those are the coping mechanisms of a small child who can't leave an abusive situation: to numb it out, to rationalize the pain, to make it mean something other than what it means, to somehow align the abuse with a story that the abusive person still loves them. But we are not children and we have other options; and that emotional survival tactic of a child is not healthy.

Not all pwBPD abuse, but most do. Yours does.  If those are their compulsive patterns of pain regulation, they can be expected to continue or escalate.

It's heartbreaking. I so feel for you. I understand why he came to be so important to you, it makes complete sense; and there are biochemical reasons that the idea of being without him hurts so much and feels almost not survivable. This part is about addiction withdrawal. It is super hard. It IS survivable.

xxoo

[formflier]

If you just stop ... .HE likely will take steps to pull you back in.

Note... .Patientandclear didn't write that if you "say" something the right way... .your pwBPD will change or do something different.

It's about what you do (90%) and what you say (10%).  They "listen" to action.  

Critical that you understand this, as their most likely motive is control, when you start behaving in ways they don't want and they perceive their "old methods" aren't working... .they WILL try other things to "get you back in line".

Once you are "back in line", most likely they will return to their most "comfortable" behaviors... .AS LONG AS... .you are doing the "actions" that they are looking for.

Once your actions move away from their desires... .expect them again to start using different "methods" to get you back in line.

Think about your story when you ran away and turned back to see him on his knees begging you to come back (if I remember correctly)... .can you see how that was him "trying a different tool"?

     

None of us here can tell you what to do.  I hope (and believe) that others here would advise you to make a conscious choice of which path (staying or going) to get on ... .and then be consistent.

I would further hope that you make a choice for you.  Not for the kid... .not for the pwBPD... .or anyone else.  

   

What can you do to step up your self care for a week or so... .get yourself some breathing room... .and think deeply about YOUR future?

FF

[Lalathegreat]

Thank you patientandclear and formflier - I don't think I can express what a lifeline your replies have been this morning as I sit here literally weeping as I read them.

It means so much to be able to talk about these things with people who understand the complex emotions involved and who don't think I'm just crazy for having tolerated or allowed things to get to this point. I have so few friends in real life who are still willing to listen and the few who do are open in expressing frustration and disappointment Which only serves  to make me feel worse. I believe with certainty that you can't understand this anguish unless you have been unfortunate enough to experience it.

Already this morning he is texting, complaining about how he has a horrible cold and probably a throat infection. This is pretty typical - he is always sick. And generally I have rushed in to help take care of him. Today I've held  it to expressing my sympathy in a return text and now it's back to crickets so who knows if he's really sick or if he's feeling the waters. Several people have mentioned taking a week to think and research and make some decisions and I really feel that I need that time so much. We'll see if I can keep him at arm's length while I do that without escalation or drama - my experience says no but I can hope.

Thank you again - I am so grateful for your support.

[formflier]

I have so few friends in real life who are still willing to listen and the few who do are open in expressing frustration and disappointment  

This is actually quite normal for people that have never experienced this.  Please have empathy for them... .try as you might, you can never convey the experience of being in a r/s with pwBPD to someone that has never done it in person.

I know we are tossing a lot of info at you.  Just one more illustration... applicable for whatever path you take.

Think of your support system as a three legged stool... .remove any one leg... .what happens to the stool?  

Leg 1.  bpdfamily.  You can be totally open... .we get it... .we have information... .a place you can come without any type of filter.

Leg 2.  A T (therapist)  Preferably someone that has experience with pwBPD or at least PDs in general.   Why?  I think bpdfamily is a wonderful resource... .wonderful, but there is no way to recreate the nuance of a human conversation.  Especially when it comes to "role playing" new skills.  If you have never worked with a therapist... .I recommend it.  personal testimony:  I see a PhD Psychologist weekly.  She is a bit over 60 years old... .so many years in the business.  Has a "grandmotherly" personality where she can sometimes ease information to you like granny giving you milk and cookies... .other times very matter of fact.  I've been going for over a year and expect this to continue into the future.


Leg 3:  Family and friends that you DO NOT talk to about BPD.  A "world" where you can be you... .away from BPD.  Yes... evern if you decide to leave, I would recommend not involving your family and friends.  They won't get it... .and likely won't know how to support you.  You should spend lots of time with your family and friends, even if your pwBPD doesn't like it... .(assuming you stay).

Analogy done... .

     :)on't try to stop the tears... or the emotions... .listen to your feelings... .

FF