What is the least hurtful way to leave?

[Reign_of_Light]

Hello,
 
I'm (28) together with my BPD-gf (25) for a little over 2 years now. After half a year we moved in together. In our case it was a good move! The stability really helped her. She came to terms with being "Borderline", she sought therapy (which ended a little while ago, but she is about to start the next one soon), joined a self-help group, broke contact with all her ex-boyfriends, we got a dog together which became the light of her life, she now veeery rarely cuts herself, and also gets triggered less and less, after which she does seldomly act out but just removes herself for a while. If she does "act" out, she blames the relationship for her misery, or if the pressure is really unbearable, she cuts herself. Nothing too serious, though it was different in her past.
 
And now I feel like leaving. Strangely, not because of any BPD-reasons, but because of feeling stuck and an ever growing desire to move on. Also, because the stability of our relationship is in part  mutually "bought" by being not too intimate, if at all.

I do not take this decision lightly. I'm afraid for all the progress she made, and of the message she gets from being abandoned yet again, despite all her positive efforts and real successes.
Moving on would not be easy on her (I guess it never is with BPD). And on top of that she would have to deal with being left in an apartment she cannot afford on her own, with a dog to care for, a car, and not much of a supportive network. All that besides an already challenging professional situation.  Still, I got to go, and there will never be a perfect time for that.

Now, I'd like to ask you for advice on how to go while harming her the least.

A) My plan A is to reduce my belongings to an absolute minimum, so most of them fit into a suitcase and I am able to move out within an hour. Then I will tell her about my decision, but it will be about me feeling stuck and wanting to travel, see the world, meet new people, which is mainly true. I hope that way she makes it less about her and hopefully feels less self-hate and hopelessness.

B) Now, plan B would be less honest, but perhaps worth it if it hurts her less. Not too long ago we already were at the point where she wanted me out over not being available enough for her. Finally, she got scared and suddenly was okay again with the situation-as-is. But it makes me think about gradually removing myself from the relationship in terms of spending more and more time with work, own projects, meeting other people, things I like but she dislikes, and less and less with her. In the best case we would mutually end it at some point. Begs the questions whether it's better if I am the one who broke up or if it's her. When its me, then she is the "victim" who can blame me and hopefully receives more support from family and friends, but it's also a particular blow to her ego, a painful rejection and loss of control. On the contrary, if she leaves me, she stays in control and is able to reject me, but it might lead to her feeling guilty, rueful and ashamed about it later, with less understanding from friends and family (who critisized her high fluctuation of boyfriends in the past).

C) Plan C would be alike plan A but without the breaking up. I'd move and/or go traveling in spite of her protesting, but we'd still be together. If she does not break with me before, I'd gradually reduce our chats and phone-calls until one of us breaks up from the distance.

D) The opposite of plan C. I'd stay, at least for the while, but I'd tell her I wanted our relationship to transition to a friendship, as this is already what it is. Kind of a "soft" break-up. Actually that was a suggestion of hers recently in order to make herself expect less of me, though I don't know if that was any serious or out of a momentary feeling. Being "friends" afterwards, I would make much more time for myself and finally move out.

E) ... Do you see a plan E?
   
What do you think?

[SettingBorders]

I'd chose option A. Anything else prolongs the time of suffering and things could turn out worse, even if there isn't anything like a shoking moment. Constant stress could cause her to dereguate more on the long term. You could also combine option B and A, so first pull yourself out for a few weeks or months (B) and then open to her that you need to move on (A).

[formflier]

Leaving a relationship is always going to involve hurt... .whether or not you are leaving... .or being left.

I would focus on being kind but clear.  Make it about you.  "I have decided to go do xyz... ." (no blame)...

Then go do it.

The more words used, especially for a pwBPD... .the more chance for misunderstanding.

Focus on managing your feelings, trust them to manage theirs. 

FF

[unethical?]

Please advise: From the reading I've done I learned the best way to leave is quickly and without engaging in detail as to why (because person with BPD isn't really in position to hear/absorb).  This seems so cruel, but after finally following that wisdom (the first time around, after staying for ages thinking i could help him stabilize) I've learned (at least with my partner) it's only way.  Now I've made a horrible mistake: Having successfully extracted myself I fell back into it, in to him. 
We had 9 months of zero contact and he was (reportedly) doing all right for the last six of them. My impression is has been alone, which is lonely but stable (because he's already been "abandoned" and doesn't really have anyone in his life to rock his emotions).  Unbelievably to me, I instigated econnection. I was then lulled back into relationship, but this rather quickly triggered his tailspin. I announced a firm split this morning - painful for me, but i felt it best for him (see first sentence, above).    I understand his way of processing is not my fault, but i question, given I instigated this second round and truly did trigger this second demise (he really was on track before I reentered), whether i owe him or me different course of action - something other than abrupt departure. 
 I know he's not healthy and that he'll never be happy nor I with him.  But I could conceivably ride this out a little longer if there were a chance that would be better for him.   I guess I know the answer, but ... .well, is there any way other than abrupt?  Seems so mean after all we've been through (not to mention how badly i'd love to be with him and knowing he'll never absorb that.) 
thanks for any input.