Questions for those who have recycled back in

[blueblue12]

For those of you that may not know my story, relationship/married for ten years. The last year was painful, my ex decided that we had to end, I was "too controlling, jealous type of guy." I thought we had a pretty good marriage, we did a million things together, including first-class creative artistic things among many other connections we had.

I tried in vain not to derail the marriage, went counselling, tried to keep the marriage together, my ex went cold and detached. I was like a puppy dog, walking on eggshells all year long, it was painful and I felt a complete loss of self esteem as I tried and tried with my ex all year long. But she was adamant that we should sell the house, separate, get divorced and move on. My T at the time mentioned 'borderline' I had no idea what that meant and started researching.

But in the meantime I had no choice but to go along. At times during the year she was a tad warm but most of the times, very cold. Just before the house sale she left to go to a conference far away. I stayed, got the house sold, packed all my bits for a few weeks, found a couple of strange notes from a guy so I thought she was already moving on and before she returned left the house and sent her a goodbye letter. She promptly started writing texts saying "please don't say goodbye" etc.

By then I couldn't handle it any longer so I went NC and went on a holiday far away. Kept NC for two months. Meanwhile she would write to my son asking for this and that from me via him. I kept quiet. She kept persisting. I asked my T what to do. His response was, send the bits and wish her well.

Well as soon as I sent that, the direct correspondence commenced! And it started with "miss you so much, love you, can we fix our issues, can't be without you, my life is terrible without you" etc... .

I am wondering what are some of your past experiences of 'recycling' for those that went back. I love my ex, BUT... .I was extremely hurt by all that I was put through and honestly I would not want to go through that terrible year again, I had a horrible painful time and she was mean and detached. I feel that I can't really trust her ways, I just have no idea how long it would last. She keeps writing about a "fresh new start" and I have not responded.

Would love to hear your experiences and your thoughts on such sudden changes, "when you thought you were completely out and they pull you back in again" to quote a famous mafia line!

Thank you, sincerely... .

[UnforgivenII]

I was recycled. It lasted three months. I ended it this time, as the behaviour was as outrageous as ever, in spite of the first wonderful days.

The pain is worse. I should have known better.

[Ragnar1982]

Hey Raul,

Whenever I would try to end things (several times over the last few months of our r/s) she would continue to message me or email me saying how things would be different, she'd change her life for me, we will have something so wonderful, etc. one of her favorite things to say as I started getting sucked back in during the recycle attempts was that she wanted a clean slate (just how yours wanted a fresh start). I imagine this clean slate was for her to absolve any wrong doing she had done behind my back, or to make her feel better about lying to me. The thing is, as soon as I would accept, within 2-3 weeks things were right back to "normal". Started noticing the same patterns of avoidance, neglect, lying, isolation, etc. she's having a hard time right now because I think our relationship is having its final toll on her "marriage". We have had LC recently, but I did my homework on her and know many things she had been up to while using me as a back burner while with the father of her kids. I'm trying to be compassionate and own my faults in the relationship, but I do not feel like I could ever go back to her. All trust has been lost.

[once removed]

hi Raul,

as this is the Detaching board, youre not likely to read much in the way of success stories here.

if you are considering reviving the relationship, i encourage you to:

post on the conflicted/deciding board. familiarize yourself with the lessons and work your way toward an informed decision (you dont have to make one today). familiarize yourself with the lessons on the Improving board. theyll give you a much bigger picture, and some tools for reducing stress and conflict.

if you revive the relationship without a plan for significant change, its hard to see it going well.

[Confused108]

I was recycled 26 year later. .My ex was my childhood sweetheart that went crazy after my mom broke us up. She was never the same after that. She found me in FB in 2013 and tried in a round about way to get back with me. I didn't take the bait because of the awful way she treated me when I was trying to get her back in 1988 at 15 yo. Well in 2015 I was So Stupid and listened to her Bull $hit that she still loved me after all these years. The BIGGEST MISTAKE I HAVE EVER MADE! I went back with her and she took me on  the most hellish mind game roller coaster I have ever been on. Total emotional abuse . She discarded me Sept 2015. Cold as ice. Projected everything on me and said she never loved me ever and this was a Huge mistake for her. So don't go back because if you do it's gonna be worse then before.

[rzr14]

Hi Raul,

We all have similar stories here with are exes, recycles never true out for the best. There is no helping them, they will always be the way they are. I agreed to try again with my ex after 4 years. She said she had change and had her life together, it was a lie... a very good one. To the outside world she looked like a struggling loving mom of two with fathers that didn't care. This couldn't be further from the truth. The best thing you can do is keep up n/c with her, avoid all recycle attempts. My feelings say you are not legally tied to her anymore, plus she does not have a replacement in place "yet". So she is looking to you, till that day comes. Just my thoughts, move on and be happy you are free.   

[bus boy]

Hi Raul, I had a bizarre r/s to say the least. No doubt Xw has an emotional disorder. Maybe bc I was Xw's first serious r/s and her disorder was starting to take off but I totally bypassed the idealization stage but devalue and discard were alive and kicking. With the confusion of no idealization stage I question some things. Xw fits the bill very nicely for every other aspect of an emotional disorder, including recycling. Xw left when our son was 4 months old and up until June 2015 when I was discarded for good, we had a very recycle discarded r/s. We would sleep together one day than the next she wouldn't even talk to me, sometimes things would perk along than in the blink of an eye she would stop talking to me, she would call and text several times a day than stop answering my calls for weeks only respond with cold texts than she would invite me to her house for supper this always meant sex as well. She was still always devious and knew I wanted a family so bad but would only ever let me so far in than cast me out. She never wanted me but as long as she had no new sources on the hook she didn't want to loose me. So for several years I had a very bizarre recycle discard r/s with Xw.

[Infern0]

Hi there.

I recycled 2-3 times, however in my case each recycle was only a few weeks apart. I think that if you hope for a succesful recycle you need longer than that to get your head clear. If you do want to try again then no need to rush. I rushed and it did not work, i wasnt in a good state of mind.

[FSTL]

Mine only has mild BPD (so far... .my T says she will get worse without treatment) and is actually in treatment.

We were on/off for a long time. She never really changed, other than some of her symptoms are being better managed with therapy. The inner person hasn't changed. She still cheats, lies, etc.

If I were to take her back (and I wouldn't... .) I would want her to show a real understanding of her condition and the pain she has caused me, be in appropriate treatment and have a track record of working on things. I know this is impossible as she can't be alone long enough to do any of this, and is so full of shame and self hatred that she could never even have this discussion (she would get angry, project, turn things around and attack me, etc).

So, to me, it is pointless even considering this course of action... .much easier and healthier to just move on.

[gettingoverit]

Hello,
I really feel for you. It's very hard to let go when someone you love treats you like garbage, wants you to leave then after some time changes their mind and wants to get back together again. If she is truly BPD, this cycle will not end. Things will be great for a while, then back to same old same old. I recycled five times, each time she was looking for another host to latch onto. Someone mentioned parasitic in a previous post and I would agree. I do not know your wife or soon to be ex-wife, but if you tried your hardest to make it work this past year to no avail, what makes you think anything will magically change with her now? Has she gone to seek help? If the answer is no, I can pretty much guarantee that you will be doing the same song and dance in no time. Recycling sucks. Plain and simple. Every time you recycle you give a piece of yourself that takes forever to get back if it ever comes back. Eventually I was replaced. Sooner or later you will be replaced also. Were you happy with her? Honestly? I'm not talking about 10 years ago, I mean the last couple of years. Is this how you want to spend another 5-10 years? Only you can answer that question.

[Pretty Woman]

Raul, mine would come back when her "affair" or replacement didn't work out or meet her expectations. I could tell when she met someone because she too would go cold and start mirroring the new person. Even her speech pattern would change. It was crazy.

They come back when they NEED not because they love. When they don't have an attachment to cling to it's like they are walking around without an identity. They need someone to mirror. That is the best way I can put it.

When they come back things are good for awhile and then the same ol same ol. All you end up doing is reliving the same thing over and over, like the movie "Groundhog Day".

In my situation once she finally found someone she could manipulate she cut me off for good. This, after 13 recycles.

She left with our dog and hasn't spoken to me in 2yrs.

Today I am thriving and in good health, mentally and physically. Back then, the final discard hurt all the more because she stopped chasing. It was like I meant nothing to her... .because I didn't. I was just a need.

No one can tell you what to do here but from experience, it never gets better, you just get more conditioned to the bad treatment until they really rip the rug out from under you and abandon you like you meant nothing, like your relationship was the worst thing they ever experienced and it's ALL YOUR FAULT.

My advice, walk away. You will save yourself a world of heartache and money. If she was talking to other men when you were together she will do it again. That I also learned the hard way.

It does get better when you are NC, I am a strong advocate for it. It helped me heal and now I feel sorry for her but no longer want her toxicity in my life.

Good luck!
 

[mitchell16]

In my 3 year relationship I think we recycled no less than 10 times. With each break up she started it and would also start the recycle but I was always receptive to the recycle.  Each break up would come out of nowhere and with no sensible explanation and would leave me distraught, desperate trying keep it together she on the other hand would be calm and cool, no emotions what so ever. The break ups were always short usual 3 weeks in duration and it ending with her reaching out to me or if I was somewhat NC one of her friends would contact me. The first year it was about 3 break ups about every 3 or 4 months but the second year the break ups escalated. But the pattern would be the same. The only time it changed was on the last and final break up which was by me and I went NC and stayed NC. But her behavior was almost crazy, stalking, desperate phone calls and text message all hours of the night, begging and pleading with me and than alternating to nasty accusations, anything to get a response from me. She was desperate. After about 4 months or so it stopped. In my opinion its all about their control of us and the situation. As long as they control it all they are good but once they lose it the craziness comes out.

[blueblue12]

My sincere thanks for all the great posts. I am not that excited about her sudden change of heart. Is quite scary in some ways as she was so adamant that we should move on that her new vision leaves one wondering why... .I tried and tried and tried to arrive at some reconciliation at the time but her stance was so cold, icy cold, I hated it. It was the first time we had broken up in ten years together but it was so hurtful. It was like I did not recognised this person. I became this sad version of me which I hated as well. It was sad and I was far too weak as she proceeded to treat me badly.

I was going overboard trying to fix things while she was not interested at all. I suffered greatly. I could have hurt myself in the process, I was that down. She was not the slightest bit interested or concerned. It was horrible. Her sudden change after she left me and I decided to go NC and move on is strange indeed. It has been two months and it's really weird.

I agree with the observation that if it didn't work then, then why now? I can't really get her behaviour. We had so much going but she could not see it at all. The worst thing is sometimes I actually feel sorry for her, but... .I should be looking after myself first.

[mar356]

"I was going overboard trying to fix things while she was not interested at all. I suffered greatly. I could have hurt myself in the process, I was that down. She was not the slightest bit interested or concerned. It was horrible. Her sudden change after she left me and I decided to go NC and move on is strange indeed. It has been two months and it's really weird."

I can relate I was thinking about going overboard trying to fix things too, but I did the opposite.  As soon as devaluing started I took a week to step back to access. I tried to look at the relationship from being the movie director and basically realized I really did not do anything that wrong. I was looking for closure and after the randomly out of the blue discard.

Unfortunately, I had no clue what BPD was prior to this and when she started devaluing me I decided enough was enough and knocked her off her podium pretty quickly and devalued her back twice as much and was quickly painted black.

Fast forward a few months... .I realized the connection was a mirage, you can't be in a healthy relationship unless they seek help, their love side can throw you off in future relationships too.  Think about how many people have been indirectly effected by borderlines.  The best thing to do is learn the warning signs. Accept that there are a lot more unBPD out there then everyone thinks and bring attention and awareness to the matter will help many people.