Funeral Dilemma

[Thunderstruck]

I want to ask y'alls opinions, because we're truly at a loss here... .

My FIL passed away and his funeral is coming up. The problem is that it takes place on a weekday during uBPDbm's time with SD12 (in another state, so we would have to take more than one day of uBPDbm's parenting time to travel there and back).

Our CO is just temporary so it doesn't address things like deviations to the schedule due to special circumstances (funerals, weddings, etc). It also says that technically we can't take SD out of state without uBPDbm's or the court's permission (neither us nor uBPDbm have ever asked permission, although it doesn't stop uBPDbm from raging about it and threatening court after our trips). So legally we have no right to take her unless uBPDbm agreed. Which she won't.

What do you guys think we should do? DH and I alternate between "Well, let's ask uBPDbm and document that she is uncooperative." (document for who? The CE that after 2.5 years still hasn't given us a report?) and "Forget it, let's just take SD and ask forgiveness later." (uBPDbm rages and an amber alert sounds like a fun thing to worry about while we're at a funeral ::eyeroll emoji:. We don't have the money (and possibly not the time) to take it to court to make it legal. We feel really stuck and frustrated.

[WifeOfProbableBP]

What is the importance of bringing SD12 to the funeral? Was she close to the FIL? Forgive me, I don't know many internet acronyms, but I'm taking SD12 to mean a 12 year-old stepdaughter? If the SD12 wants to go, can she express that to uBPD?

[Thunderstruck]

What is the importance of bringing SD12 to the funeral? Was she close to the FIL? Forgive me, I don't know many internet acronyms, but I'm taking SD12 to mean a 12 year-old stepdaughter? If the SD12 wants to go, can she express that to uBPD?

It's my 12 year old step-daughter's grandfather's funeral. We visited them several times a year. I believe that SD would be more interested in seeing the family (cousins that she loves to play with) than getting closure from a funeral.

No, I don't think she's able to/willing to stand up to her mom when uBPDbm is in a tear.

[Turkish]

I understand that there are a lot of dynamics going on here and emotions are high,  but don't violate the court order. If you take her across state lines,  this will be a federal case. Losing her (and possibly going to jail) aren't worth this. 

Though it's not written into the order,  I've always thought that weddings and for sure funerals would be exceptions I would concede without the requisite 30 day's notice for "vacations." Speaking as a "non" (and this may sound harsh), if my ex took the kids out of state without my permission,  I'd call 911 in a heartbeat.

Leaving aside the legal ramifications, and her behaviors which drive both of you crazy, the custody stipulation serves (in part) as a boundary to take impulsive and emotional Dustin's out of the influence of both parties. 

I would brush up on the communication tools (Lesson 3 on the Improving Board lessons). Try, but accept it she refuses.  That's her right under the law,  even if it's mean and petty.

[soundofmusicgirl]

It is tough. I would definitely not take her out of state without asking permission from the court. My husbands BPDxw did that (she took them on a vacation to their grandparents without telling us or the court) and we filed for contempt of court and the judge agreed.

I would either just let it go (as sad as that is) or if it is very important to SD go and ask the court for permission instead of BPDxw.

[bravhart1]

I would honestly tell my DH that the situation is already loaded enough. He lost his father, has a crazy ex who won't share the child properly, laws and court orders etc.
Go to the funeral without SD and don't beat yourselves up about it.

I'm sorry for your loss, I know you loved your FIL very much,and please extend our heartfelt condolences to your husband.

[livednlearned]

don't violate the court order.

I agree.

And it's not fair. 

Will SD have a hard time not going? Perhaps there are ways to meet needs in other ways. Like arranging time with her cousins on your custodial time. Or memorializing FIL's memory within your family.

[ForeverDad]

I agree that a visit to her grandfather's family is more than just a funeral service if she will be spending time with family.  If it's just a quick day for the funeral and then a return it might be harder to justify?

First, you would have to ask uBPDbm to document her response.  For all you know this may be the one time she's not unreasonable, after all, it's SD's grandfather.  Shocking concept, right?  But if it's negative, then it's part of your stack of documentation.  Remember to present it as traded time so uBPDbm doesn't have the excuse to say No because she's losing time and so any testimony in court would show you're being reasonable.  (Make sure any traded time is completed within a few weeks, don't let uBPDbm hold it as a weapon over your heads for ages.)

Can you have your lawyer prepare the emergency papers for court so it's done right?  Then can DH file them and in effect represent himself with lawyer largely out of this one?  That could reduce the cost.  Yes, court may Deny it, but it could just as easily Order it.  This is a golden opportunity to present mother's repeated refusals to cooperate with reasonable requests.  And moreso the fact that your 2.5 years of Custody Evaluation is still not complete.

Paragraphs generally start with WHEREAS ... .DH asked for an emergency trade to grandfather's state for his funeral and time with SD's relatives there for what he considered was sufficient basis, uBPDbm denied, you're still in temp orders since {date}, XX years ago, the Custody Evaluation ordered on {date) is still languishing with the CE after 2.5 years, and DH asks for the temp order to be modified to handle such emergency circumstances, etc.  Since what constitutes an emergency could be stretched and abused without some written limits set, then require that reciprocal time be traded within 30 days to make up for the lost time.

All the above is presented logically without much sense of the emotional repercussions.  I can't say which path to take but if you do then the above are my thoughts.