BPD mother's ongoing neglect

[Klera]

Hi everyone,
I'm Klera,  a step mum to two great kids, SD 14 and SS 12 , going on 7-8 years.  I have a great bond with them, they thrive at their schools and are pretty well adjusted considering what they've gone through so far in life. We make our house as happy and healthy and fun as best we can.       I've been reading this site off and on for years but haven't posted.  My husband's ex is a (strong)borderline with extra splash of narcissism and bipolar tendencies.  In the beginning years, she was particularly spiteful and aggressive (to me and my husband), I'm assuming possibly from feeling 'replaced' and threatened/jealous of me entering their lives and my husband was the one to pull the plug on their marriage.  He couldn't take it anymore.  She was lazy and he ended up working and taking care of the kids and she never worked outside the home.  She had plenty of in home help and still couldn't manage to do the basics.     I would add that she has been/was diagnosed by my husband's GP when they first split up, also via various therapists, psychologists etc and a family friend who knew her and my husband before the kids came along, the friend now getting her PhD and has been a wealth of knowledge  and support to me.  When my husband was told to read 'Walking on Eggshells' the 'lightbulb' came on big time. He forewarned me when we were dating and I came into this marriage with the full knowledge of this and not being blindsided by the 'crazy ex'.  He and the kids are worth it and I've never regretted this.    We've read, studied, discussed it all these past years and everything I could find on the net.   He is a fantastic, and I do mean that, father.    I feel like I've earned an "honorary" Masters degree in Personality Disorders and could write a novel of what we've gone through with her (behaviour) and  co-parenting with her over the years, which became/reduced to 'parallel parenting'.  In a nutshell we, my husband and I used to share with her '50-50' and prior to my arrival, my husband had his kids even more than the ex when they were in pre Kindergarten/1st grade age, him doing all the hands-on-dad work on his own.  He and I, particularly him, made the difficult decision to reduce the parent plan to every second weekend visits. This was after years and much contemplation it became a last resort.   It sounds terrible, but trust me it was to save our sanity.   My husband has suffered/diagnosed PTSD from the abuse he has suffered from his ex, years of stress from this woman and her actions.   The ex would make it her mission to make sure she purposely breached every several parental agreement/s, we're talking 100's of well-documented actions (hers)over the years with no repercussions or punishment of any kind for any of it, no court action, as it wasn't worth going that far financially.  He could have but chose not to.  Just a few stern letters from his lawyer to hers without much done, really.   My husband had to sit through a couple of mediations sessions for several hours in a room with her. You can imagine.   Some examples;  she conveniently lied and withheld important information (a favourite weapon of hers) pertaining to the kids in front of a mediator/lawyer during the mediation.    During the parental plan changes and discussions, she withheld that she was about to have a 'boyfriend' move into her house,  a virtual stranger to the kids.  Thank god he moved out a couple of years ago and turned out NOT to be some sort of creep.  My husband would not have made the change to the parenting plan if he had known that!  She never came clean with his last name, but had the gall to put 'step dad' on a school contact form.      Another example:  I won't divulge the specifics, but suffice to say I got the 'boiling bunny' on my doorstep when my SS was going into first grade.   She made herself known loud and clear from day 1 that she was pissed at me!  She dropped off a suitcase on the front steps with a pair of his school trousers with a massive hole cut in them.  I am not joking or exaggerating here.  This suitcase was only used to transport blankets and stuffed toys for the kids' exchanges.  I was having my SS pants hemmed, helping him get ready for school... .first grade when I first moved into the house with them.  It was, as I referred to it as,one of the biggest F-U's from her but not the last.
 
Okay so why am I posting now?  I would very much like to know if any of you out there has experienced the BPD mother showing signs of blatant neglect of her kids.  Specifically hygiene issues and diet.   I've had troubles with clothing in the past (Wow let's not go there) in the early years she would never return a thing (domestic theft) and even purposely damage what she did return... .the rule is now they return to her in what they wear from her house and nothing leaves our house that we've bought for them here.  The quality and fit of what they wear from her house is awful, too small and just plain crap, in my opinion and yes, I have that 'our house is superior' attitude, okay I'm guilty of that.     I have not seen her buy a winter jacket or boots. Ever.   She is cheap and does not spend a penny on them despite $3,000 per month she gets in child support.  She is a very wealthy woman after having just sold her house (given to her free and clear in the divorce btw)... .The main issues now is:  my SS has had chronic acne (since he was 8 yrs old started with hairline bumps), she never addresses it, or seems to care.  She has only recently bought him some prescription cream, the second time in almost 5 years. She shows little effort with helping him, telling him or making him, supervise bathing or showers or having him wash, especially his greasy hair (he is 12 going on 13).  On an xmas break I got some over the counter products and tried with the time we had, to help him and it did clear up a bit, same thing in the summer.  I do what I can when they are here and my SS was showing some self pride and pleased.    Her response to our bringing it up via our PC (Parent Coordinator) was "I'm not the only one who has issues with their boy's hygiene" like: not my problem attitude, totally projecting and almost denial, not accepting parental responsibility.  Sound familiar?  Also my SS is becoming very obese.  At the age of 12 he wears men's large and extra large t-shirts.   His mother is also morbidly obese, is contributing/causing him to go in the same direction.  No exercise except for the odd 'swimming lesson' which she thinks is probably adequate.  They drive everywhere... .need I say more.   She has always struggled with her weight up and down (she's up to an estimated 300 lbs if not more), eating disorders, food addiction and now I'm worried it's now really becoming a problem with my SS's health.  She lost 100 lbs fast via personal trainer after her divorce and guess what? all came back on and then some and continues.    Laundry isn't being done at her house, the kids clothes are always dirty when they come over and they wear school uniforms so they come in their (dirty,smelly) 'civies' on weekends. This also has been worsening for the past few years.   In a nutshell if we bring it up (any issue) with her she takes it as an 'attack on her parenting' and she is defensive and nothing gets fixed or sorted or problems resolved.  It's like banging your head against a wall, this 'circular' discussion pattern of throwing back anger at us to distract what needs addressing.     I hope this doesn't sound too awful but as you know, how frustrating this stuff can be.   She has, to my knowledge not sought any type of help but she did try and take our SS to a program that was a referral to a dietician type of thing for families. As far as we know they might have gone a couple of times. A total waste of effort and nothing came of it of course.   We did try a child psychologist for a 'safe and neutral place' for the kids to discuss things and help them, and she would attend separately but that turned out to be yet again another attempt to control and sabotage that (again long stories) and I should quit for now... .sorry this  is so long winded... .any input or thoughts.

[Panda39]

Hi Klera,

Glad you decided to post!  You are not alone in your description of the BPDmom in your life she sounds very similar to my SO's (significant other's) UBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife). 

We had the disappearing clothes too.  Probably a combination of "getting even" with my SO and getting lost in the filth that was her house.  She also has always had the mentality of replacing things rather than taking care of things.

I've always described her as indulgent and neglectful... .she'd buy jewelry for her daughters when they needed boots or a winter coat for example.  She has always tried to buy her daughter's love with all the "cool" things they like, she has also used the promise of things to pit her daughters against each other (divide and conquer) promise one daughter a tablet and then give it to the other daughter for example (by this time the girls were catching on and actually returned the tablet... .Yay! Girls!)... .what is even worse and has been devastating to her daughters are all the grandiose "supermom" promises that have never happened.

So we occasionally get indulgent mom (usually motivated by her own self interest) that does all/gets the superfantastic stuff... .managed to send the younger daughter to summer camp and older daughter to Europe.

Then we have the mom that when early on in their separation had majority custody, couldn't get her younger daughter with a toothache to the dentist for months... .eventually dad took her... .she needed a root canal, I mentioned the filthy house but didn't mention the dog feces on the living room floor, she pulled her older daughter out of her first year of High School to do on-line school at home against the advice of her teachers, school principal and my SO, needless to say she ended up with a 0.0GPA, she told the kids she was buying a house even as she was being evicted (this happened 3 times), promises of trips to everywhere from Seattle to Washington DC. 

The most devastating things she has done were send younger daughter to "camp" for a second summer... .she put her daughter on a plane out of state with a one-way ticket, sent her to a friend of hers, did not inform my SO and told daughter not to tell her father, then promised to send camp money to the friend and she would pay for camp and drop daughter off at camp.  Only problem was there was no money to pay for camp and we found out later camp the previous year had never been paid for either!  So my SO, mom's father, and mom's brother had to arrange and pay for daughter's trip home.  The older daughter managed in spite of her missed year in High School to get accepted into a private liberal arts college out east.  Mom promised to send her using money in a "family trust" D20 (18 at the time) was suspicious and asked for proof and was shown something she believed (or wanted to believe) despite her dad's words of warning she took her mom up on the promise to pay her tuition.  She came home at Christmas break and was asked not to return since the first semester had not been paid for.  Since she was the student, and she was over 18 the financial responsibility fell on her she is now in debt to the tune of $15,000.

Needless to say after the last two incidents above the girls have distanced themselves from their mother.  As ForeverDad has said my SO's daughters "voted with their feet" and moved in full-time with their dad.  D20 has almost no contact with her mom and D15 is still in phone/text contact but sees her mom very rarely.

In terms of the hygiene issues we have had some of that with the younger daughter particularly around dental hygiene but I think because my SO has daughters and their mom is very much concerned with how she appears to the outside world things have not gotten too out of hand in that arena.

My advice is keep doing what you are doing.  You are setting another example for your stepkids, you are showing them that you care about them and that they should care about themselves too. I would go with a parallel parenting style because you can't control what mom does, or what goes on at her house, you can only control what goes on while the kids are with you.  Keep giving them that alternate reality and eventually... .hopefully... .they will adopt what you teach them when they are at their mom's house.

In terms of diet/weight I wouldn't talk too much about it, just keep and serve up healthy food when they are at your house and get in some physical activities that the kids enjoy.  Again set the example show them another way.  Weight can be such a touchy subject and tied to self esteem... .making the kids feel bad about their weight can make them feel bad about themselves... .weight can also be an outward manifestation of how they feel about themselves, eating can be a way to feel better (self-sooth) when things aren't going well or even a way to control something in a life that feels out of control (they control what goes in their mouth). They also have the example their mother is setting so again I suggest setting another example.

I would suggest giving therapy another try if you can, look for someone that understands BPD.  We had a hard time with the girls first therapist.  In the court's wisdom mom was given Therapy decision making (put the fox in charge of the hen house!) in reality I think they were just throwing her a bone because dad was awarded medical, dental and education decision making.   The girl's first therapist either didn't know what she was dealing with or had poor boundaries.  Mom actually crashed one of the younger daughters sessions and made it all about her!    The therapist changed practices and uBPDmom said she'd follow her to the ends of the earth!  Of course she would because she could manipulate the therapist.  This therapy may not have been as confidential as it should have been because of mom's boundary busting both with the therapist and the girls.  It took suicide threats by the youngest daughter to finally get an effective therapist on the scene along with a Psychiatrist (and anti anxiety meds... .D15 was diagnosed with PTSD).

Welcome to the BPD Family and coming out from "Lurker" to "Poster" I'm glad you've joined us. 

Take Care,
Panda39
 

[livednlearned]

Welcome and hello 

My SO's kids are older (17, 19, 22) but the same thing applies.

SO's ex has a filthy household and very little if anything is expected of the kids when they are there. Apparently, SO's S17 doesn't use sheets on his bed at his mom's house, and they recently adopted a dog who poops and pees in the apartment and no one cleans it. SO no longer tells me stories about the dog because there is little we can do and I find it so distressing. I feel the same way about the kids, but so much is out of our hands.

SO's ex is now morbidly obese, and D19 is on her way to being the same. I feel bad saying this, but I also find D19's self-care habits and table manners repulsive  She stays with us for the summer and holidays, and her bathroom/bedroom become filthy within days. When she is eating, she leans down a few inches off the plate and shovels food in and often has eaten 3 servings before we've finished one. She farts and burps at the table and always seems to have food on her face and stains on her clothing. I hide food when she visits otherwise something that would otherwise last a whole week is gone in an afternoon without saving any for the rest of us.

I agree with Panda, you're doing the right things already. The weight issue is hard. Other than limiting junk food in your home and setting an example of healthy eating/exercising, it's hard to address weight gain directly. And whatever changes are made will require a lot of sustained effort, which can be tiresome.

What do you think of Panda's suggestion to try getting the kids into therapy again? D19 initially went to a T selected by her mom (SO was excluded, eye roll) and then D19 had a psychotic break and momentum around that led to a psychiatrist and much better T. The T validates a lot of what SO and I model, and that seems to introduce a neutral third party who can referee to a certain extent, at least over values.

Getting through the day is hard for people with BPD, and taking care of others consistently seems to be one degree too hard. It is challenging to have empathy for someone who is actively sabotaging you. Nevertheless, I find that trying to have empathy, at least from time to time, does help offset the anger and revulsion and shock I feel when she pulls a BPD move that harms me, SO, or his kids.

I'm glad you posted. Discharging difficult feelings here won't stop the ocean from rolling but it can help steady the boat

[Klera]

Welcome and hello  smiley/quote]

Thank you Livednlearned,

SO's ex is now morbidly obese, and D19 is on her way to being the same. I feel bad saying this, but I also find D19's self-care habits and table manners repulsive /quote]

I can relate. Don't feel bad, it's just how you feel and you're entitled to those feelings and your opinions.  Is there some way around this, i.e. gently suggesting or guiding her with her manners?  It's tough because it's a fragile area and her age is a factor now (she's not 5 for example).      With my step kids, and what little time I have with them, they've been taught when eating, to use napkins (serviettes) and not wipe on their clothes and I am constantly handing them napkins. Now they remember but this has taken years. I taught them to use cutlery when they were little so when we would go to a restaurant, they'd at least know what a fork and knife were for and could try to master them despite little hands.     Please and thank you's are mandatory. Wash your hands before a meal, gosh I am STILL reminding them after 7 years.   I swear every time they return from their mom's (BPD)  house I have to start over like it's all gone into a black hole.    Despite my tendency to be on the stricter side, it's worth it and they get it eventually but it's the approach and patience that is challenging for sure.  They try and that's all that matters.  A lot has sunken in so I'm proud of that.   We laugh at what we call, 'the hairy eyeball' meaning: I have a 'look' that they know means I'm not impressed at something.  They are good kids and we laugh a lot too with lots of sarcasm. 

I hide food when she visits otherwise something that would otherwise last a whole week is gone in an afternoon without saving any for the rest of us. /quote]

I don't know what it is about portion control but my SS is headed that way.  They have to ask permission before they snoop in my cupboards.  He started helping himself to what he could find so I established that they need to check with me first.  There doesn't appear to be meals at their mom's house, I'm guessing it's an all day buffet, eat as much or whatever you want.   Meals/nutrition have been a thorn in my side seems like forever.  Like it's training them that we eat a meal at a certain time and that's it till the next meal.  I do give them various options for their choice but despite what's available, my SS is crafty smart and he'll pretend he's 'full' only to expect snacks and dessert later or fill up on fizzy drink which I also have to monitor.  He'll at least ask what he can have to drink so I push water as much as I can.  Fizzy drinks are usually for a treat not all the time and harder to say no in the summer!  I noticed gradually how their habits change between visits.    So with two households, it's very challenging to teach and guide them but we breathe and do what we can when we have them.  I can tell my SS eats for soothing, especially after dinner all throughout a movie non stop.  He reminds me of one of those sea otters with both hands in his bowl and double fisting it into his mouth.  I became appalled that he was doing this one hand after the other especially french fries, like some speed eater!   So I have to portion control all the time with him.  I just can't stand to witness this chronic overeating that he's learned from his mom.  Yikes.

What do you think of Panda's suggestion to try getting the kids into therapy again?/quote]

I should clarify about the therapy my step kids had along with their dad.  I was never involved in organizing it or participated (going to the psychologist with them).  When we obtained a PC (Parent Coordinator) it was to cut down on lawyers fees but mainly to try to facilitate conflict- free communication between the kids' dad and their BPD mom.  Although her usual volatility was somewhat contained when emails were being monitored, he did not help with issues or matters  very much at all.  PC's do not act as your counselor or lawyer, only as a separate 'unbiased' party.  After 2 years of paying him just to read emails back and forth, we decided to not renew the contract.   During the course of having a PC, it was he that suggested the kids, their dad and the ex see a child psychologist. I'm sure he suspected the kids' mom has a Personality Disorder but he never outright said anything to us in this regard.  I'm sure the psychologist did too, but she was more interested in the kids being able to freely share with her anything with that they felt they needed to.   Again, I was never invited to go and I was okay with not being involved with it initially.   My H never attended with his ex. Each of them took the kids separately.  I can't tell you how many times she would sabotage this.  Every time, and I do mean every, it was my H's turn to pick them up from school or from her house to take them, they were 'sick'.  I'm sure that she was very threatened by the kids openly talking about her and she did try to control or sensor them. She always has.    She can recognize or admit to her limitations as a parent and that she struggles but it (sessions) became all about her not the kids.   It did come about that I requested to meet the therapist with the PC's permission but I wanted to without the kids' mom's knowledge.  Yeah, nice try, right? It's all to be open and 'disclosed'.   I knew that if she found out I wanted to speak out and participate (putting her parenting on the hot plate) that she would definitely NOT agree to it.  Because the parental agreement is between the two parents and not myself (legally) then I was excluded from participating in this process.   I did ask to go when my SS hygiene and acne was not being addressed by his mother, and because I said that I witness certain behaviour in the kids that my H sometimes doesn't see always,  for example their clothing not being laundered, their hygiene or lack of proper outerwear etc.  The PC said that if there were issues or info for the psychologist to have, then he would facilitate that, but the sessions were simply for the kids' to be able to talk about and express their needs and not for the parents to use it as a boxing ring.    My H has seen various therapists on his own and I have too, but for the most part as communication between houses is very limited now almost nil (we go through the kids not their mother, they both have phones to use) we're finding that the stress levels have significantly decreased for us.    I use this as my therapy now    Also I have a friend, whose mother was borderline and she is amazingly supportive with input/guidance. 

get in some physical activities that the kids enjoy.  Again set the example show them another way.  /quote]

Thanks Panda39,

That's what we do.  Again it's getting challenging with SS as he is getting so large (obese) now.  He was not born a natural athlete but at least he doesn't complain when their dad drags them outside for walks anymore.  He pulls himself slowly up the stairs with the railing and 'waddles' like his mom.  My H said that she gets out of breath just by walking down a hallway.  It just makes me so annoyed that that is the example they have (live with) when they aren't with us, somebody so unhealthy that does nothing to help herself, it only gets worse.   

Welcome to the BPD Family and coming out from "Lurker" to "Poster" I'm glad you've joined us.  Welcome
/quote]

Thanks again Panda39! I didn't realize how much I had stored up and feels good to let some of this go or at least try to sort it out with like-minded, experienced people like yourselves.  If there are other 'lurkers' out there reading this, you really should consider joining in the dialogue.  I'm glad that I have and I hope I'm of some help to others.  Feel free to ask if there is anything you wish to know or if I can clarify anything.

[livednlearned]

On a related note, my S15 has terrible body odor. I mean, pee yoo. Long story short, he now uses a prescription strength deodorant that he puts on at night. He's a very sweaty kid, always has been. I even put a laminated thing in his shower that shows proper bathing habits, and taught him to wash his clothes with heavy duty laundry detergent on a sanitary strength cycle. It wears through his clothes faster but at least his clothes are rid of the smell. Same with bed sheets. He washes them once a week, including the mattress protector and any bedding that comes in contact with his body. There is apparently a medication that affects the parasympathetic nervous system to reduce sweating (our next step if it came to that), and this is a total shocker -- some heavy sweaters get botox shots because apparently it stops sweating. Except it hurts and it isn't covered by insurance.

I made a dermatologist appointment so S15 could discuss this all with a doctor, and that seemed to have an effect. For us, even though he's my bio child, it was a tricky thing to navigate. Helping him feel safe finding a solution while making it clear it was a problem.

Also, S15 wasn't good at washing his hair properly and it always looked greasy, so I had him bathe at night until he realized it was less effort to just do it properly in the morning.

And with acne -- my son is so sensitive to everything, including the smell and feel of the acne medication. I know that touching the face transmits oils, but learned from the dermatologist that it's also the pressure that causes the pimples to form. If your SS plays video games, it's possible that he is giving himself worse acme because he leans his chin on his hand. I see my son doing this a lot, like if he's watching something on the computer, he'll be resting his chin in his hands which is where the acne is worse.

I know this doesn't solve the problem about what happens when your SS is at his mom's house, these are just things that I learned trying to de-stink my own teen 

And another thought -- S15 has a uN/BPD dad (out of the picture). I think kids with a BPD parent have very low self worth and may think there is no point being clean or whatnot because (they think) who will ever love them anyway?

I've noticed with S15 that as he has worked closely with his T, and is no longer getting put down by his dad daily, that he is starting to care more about his hygiene and appearance. Because of his low esteem, I realized I could not constantly correct him, I had to focus on positives and have come to believe that was more helpful than anything else I did. I would compliment him on how a shirt looked on him, and when his hair was clean, make a positive comment. He has amazing green eyes that people always comment on when they meet him, so I pass that along. He never receives these compliments well, and yet I can see him light up. Who doesn't love a compliment?  

[Klera]

Getting through the day is hard for people with BPD, and taking care of others consistently seems to be one degree too hard. It is challenging to have empathy for someone who is actively sabotaging you. Nevertheless, I find that trying to have empathy, at least from time to time, does help offset the anger and revulsion and shock I feel when she pulls a BPD move that harms me, SO, or his kids.

Thank-you Panda39,

I wanted to comment on this as I forgot with my last response.  Empathy:  This a big one.  Isn't ironic that we are involved with those (BPD) either directly or indirectly who appear to lack empathy for others, even for their own children! and therefore don't accept responsibility for their behaviour/actions.  I believe that they perhaps ACT like they do, or perhaps DO feel empathy I don't know, but their actions simply do not reflect that.  That they have a very 'selective' memory' if you expose them and I'm assuming that they do not like themselves very much if not self loathe.    Let me state here that when I decided to post, I my intent was not to insult or belittle or attack those with BPD.  Sometimes I will state: 'those people' or 'they' like they're aliens or some other species.  I apologize in case I come across that way, it's not my intention to do so.    I've learned a great deal about BPD having read everything of interest or pertinence over the years.   When my H's ex behaved or did anything to really anger me, and I do mean to the point of shaking mad,  one way of coping for me was to go back to my 'notes' and I would separate 'her' from 'her behaviour' and kind of analyzed it.  I don't think I've quite made it to the point (level of) where I have actual empathy for her.  I do sometimes though, pity her.  I know life's a struggle, I know parenting is hard and challenging even for 'normal' people getting through the day, without having a personality disorder or mental illness of any kind    But yes, I do believe that if one can, to please aim for having empathy for everyone.  And breathing helps too    Not an easy thing when feeling attacked, sabotaged, ambushed or whatever is happening.  I have felt that the ex is my enemy and I have to protect my husband and even my step kids, they are 'my' territory even though they are her biological children. Gets very very tricky for us that have this 'mamma bear' instinct in us that we never knew we had until facing something or someone who feels like 'danger'!


I think kids with a BPD parent have very low self worth and may think there is no point being clean or whatnot because (they think) who will ever love them anyway?

Thanks Livednlearned,

This is very valid.  Kids learn by example. Period.  This is the hardest part.  My step kids learned along the way that bathing and self care wasn't a priority at all (from their mom).   For example: one night I got, 'do we have to have baths tonight?' (huh?)  (and subsequent visits) So I put together that at their mom's place they were skipping it frequently as they were asking her and I'm positive the response was 'no'.   This is when it began that there was significant slacking off  and neglect with caring about the kids cleanliness.  So I flat out asked my SD, 'do you go without having baths at your mom's?' 'yes' and then me: 'do you skip more than one night?' her: 'sometimes'  me:  'more than 2?' her:  'yes'.  I left it there and don't get mad at my SD (TRY not to show it!) so they can feel safe to tell me stuff but... .oh lordy.  These are the issues that when you exchange kids, it filters into your house (habits and behaviour influenced by the BPD mom). When they're here, it's a regular 'time for our wash (shower)' announcement and it's like having to ring a dinner gong... .boy those kids can move if they have to! especially movie doesn't start until that's done.   Also, computers are making them into zombies.  I have to stand in front of them and wave my hands sometimes.   

In the big picture, I know that this stuff is small potatoes compared to other issues with sharing kids with a BPD mom or parent.  I know there is serious stuff going on out there and I want to tip my hat to you, whatever you are experiencing or dealing with.   If you're reading this, please share your stories so you can get some support.

Self esteem needs nurturing and I think young kids definitely need this positively and not criticism!  Haven't we all learned something about that.    I do believe that the BPD mom is either very critical of the kids and not able to look herself in the mirror (address her own hygiene and appearance)  It's almost like, how much DO you want to know what is going on over at the 'other' house?  It would break my heart.    I feel for your S15 he is at that age so it's delicate, isn't it?  You sound very caring,  I'm sure you doing all that you can to help him, great.    Hormones are fun aren't they?  Maybe when he's interested in dating maybe the hygiene will improve greatly, ya never know... .  I do empathize that it sounds like there is more of a medical issue going on, I have heard of excessive sweating so as long as you seek medical help when it seems abnormal.  I had a problem with my SS bedwetting.  It seems to have stopped now.  I was told it wasn't a 'medical issue' until they pass 12.  It's just how the plumbing develops.   I do believe that kids know that your heart is in the right place.  They are very resilient beings for good reason, naturally.     If I find that I may be coming across like I'm a bit being hard on my SS, I tell him that I just want him 'to look nice' and does he want to help his skin look better?  Please wash his hair thoroughly, and I compliment him on his hair when it's so clean and shiny.  He's a nice looking boy and I want him to know that.   He said, he knows and he gives me a hug. He wasn't actually looking in the mirror before so I showed him so he could put his acne Rx cream on properly.    So directing and guiding can be such a delicate thing.  Sometimes I use a bit of humour and that's fun for them.    If we find we're in a place of anger or frustration, and let me tell you this is me, I take a breather and step back.  Get some air, take a walk, take care of ourselves 1st, so that we can be our best for helping others. 

Have a great weekend all.