HELP: Don't want our daughter to become a subject of struggle

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

We're not separated, but one week ago, I moved out. He's high functioning and these days I don't even notice any BPD traits in his behaviour. We have shared custody for our 4 months old daugther. He misses her a lot and he treats her very well. I have visited him twice with her since. Before I left, he put her to bed every other evening. Now, he wants her to sleep in our (still) common flat every other night, so he can see her in the evenings and mornings. I do understand him, but ... .

This is a very sensitive topic, but I want her to have her home at my place. I don't want to "share" her 50:50, as he wants it. We soon will be neighbours. I do everything to facilitate the contact between her and him. But I realize that as her mother I am her primary attachment figure. She's always searching for me when someone else is carrying her and I am the only person who can comfort her sometimes. I did never tell that to him, because I know it would hurt him. He's trying to be a good father and I really approve that.

Don't know how to reply to his request. He is chaotic and has a terrible capability of time management, so probably on the long run he won't be able to care for her as much as I. But I want to make my point clear without beeing too firm in order to prevent custody becoming a topic of argument.

I know there is a load of experience on this board. Any suggestions?

[SettingBorders]

We're not separated, but one week ago, I moved out. He's high functioning and these days I don't even notice any BPD traits in his behaviour. We have shared custody for our 4 months old daugther. He misses her a lot and he treats her very well. I have visited him twice with her since. Before I left, he put her to bed every other evening. Now, he wants her to sleep in our (still) common flat every other night, so he can see her in the evenings and mornings. I do understand him, but ... .

This is a very sensitive topic, but I want her to have her home at my place. I don't want to "share" her 50:50, as he wants it. We soon will be neighbours. I do everything to facilitate the contact between her and him. But I realize that as her mother I am her primary attachment figure. She's always searching for me when someone else is carrying her and I am the only person who can comfort her sometimes. I did never tell that to him, because I know it would hurt him. He's trying to be a good father and I really approve that.

Don't know how to reply to his request. He is chaotic and has a terrible capability of time management, so probably on the long run he won't be able to care for her as much as I. But I want to make my point clear without beeing too firm in order to prevent custody becoming a topic of argument.

I know there is a load of experience on this board. Any suggestions?

[bravhart1]

Sometimes it's best to not say no directly, but in many subtle indirect ways. For example, try telling him not right now since the separation is so new, but that you will consider it after you both have had time to sort through the break up.

In other words, give it time. Most things sort themselves out, and in the mean time you have set the precident for listening and caring for your daughter to the best of your ability.

Have you considered that he may be trying to manuever this to get back together?

[SettingBorders]

Hallo bravhart1:

Thanks. I have spoken to my mother and she gave me the same advice. So I will try to stay cool and not think about the future so much. Things will sort out.

No, I don't think he is requesting this in order to get back together. He is too hurt to want me back right away. He is missing his daugther so much. Next week we will see each other on four occasions, three appointments and on Sunday he can take care of her the whole day. Hope this is enough to feed his longing for her.

[Torched]

Hallo bravhart1:

Thanks. I have spoken to my mother and she gave me the same advice. So I will try to stay cool and not think about the future so much. Things will sort out.

No, I don't think he is requesting this in order to get back together. He is too hurt to want me back right away. He is missing his daugther so much. Next week we will see each other on four occasions, three appointments and on Sunday he can take care of her the whole day. Hope this is enough to feed his longing for her.

This year, I was SO worried about the immediate and the distant future during my divorce--mostly with the kids' well-being.  If I had my way my exUDBPDwife would never have wanted the kids after the divorce.  I still sometimes hope she will just run away with her new boyfriend and leave them to me.  I know they are as special to my ex as they are to me, though, even though I worry that she will hurt them (especially my D10) when her BPD problems arise in the future after her honeymoon period with the white night is over.  She leaned very heavily on my D10 during the divorce and it caused a lot of stress and confusion for my daughter.  I even worried about alienation of my kids from me and I think it was well justified.  Regardless, my ex is very high functioning and a professional and her behaviors are well hidden from everyone but the kids and her partner.

I understand your concerns.  I've been living two months with shared custody at 50/50 and so far, so good.  We do not speak AT ALL and all child communications are via text.  I find it comfortable for myself as she painted me completely bad so I don't have to hear her rejection or acidic comments anymore in person. 

This weekend my D10 went with me to her brother's concert.  When mom walked in with her new white night, my daughter became very upset.  When I asked her why, she said that it wasn't right that her mom said such horrible things about me constantly still yet she had been dating this guy for a long time and seemed happy.  I validated her feelings and told her that even though I had my own reasons to be upset sometimes I would not talk badly about her mother, ever.  Believe it or not, kids respect this and so you shouldn't worry about that either.