22 year old gay son

[Parents! Get help here!]

My son has been suffering from generalized anxiety, depression, and significant panic attacks lasting over 45 mins with continuous suicidal thoughts for close to 5 years.  About one month ago he failed an exam for the third time and felt overwhelmed and tried to commit suicide.  He spent 3 days in the hospital and was released.  I live in fear that the next overwhelming event he will take his life.  I have joined a group called friends for mental health and our therapist seems to think that my son is suffering from BPD.  

My son had a very difficult time coming out as gay man due mainly to his upbringing.  I thought once this was out he would feel more comfortable about himself and that things would get better.  It has gotten better but his inability to control his emotions when something negative happens to him is frightening and unrealistic.  

Is anyone out there dealing with a similar situation?

[Suffering mom]

My son has been suffering from generalized anxiety, depression, and significant panic attacks lasting over 45 mins with continuous suicidal thoughts for close to 5 years.  About one month ago he failed an exam for the third time and felt overwhelmed and tried to commit suicide.  He spent 3 days in the hospital and was released.  I live in fear that the next overwhelming event he will take his life.  I have joined a group called friends for mental health and our therapist seems to think that my son is suffering from BPD.  

My son had a very difficult time coming out as gay man due mainly to his upbringing.  I thought once this was out he would feel more comfortable about himself and that things would get better.  It has gotten better but his inability to control his emotions when something negative happens to him is frightening and unrealistic.  

Is anyone out there dealing with a similar situation?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kwamina]

Hi Suffering mom

It is horrible when a child has suicidal thoughts. I am very sorry your son tried to take his own life. You mention that he's been struggling for close to 5 years now with various issues. Did he get any structural targeted treatment for his issues during these 5 years?

He spent 3 days in the hospital after his recent suicide attempt. Did he also before that time receive any kind of targeted treatment for his suicidal ideation?

I am glad that coming out has made things somewhat better for your son. Unfortunately it is clear though that he is still having certain struggles. Would you say your son's inability to handle his emotions when something negative happens, is just something of the last 5 years or was he also like that before that time? How would you describe your son while growing up?

BPD is a challenging disorder, but there are things we can learn to better communicate with our BPD loved ones. That's why I am glad you are reaching out for support here.

Take care and welcome to bpdfamily

[Suffering mom]

Today we understand that he's been suffering from anxiety since a young child, however it only became evident when he turned 15 years old.  He became very angry especially with us (his parents).  He would say things just to hurt us.  This was a very difficult time for him.  When we tried to help he would call us controlling.  

He on his own was always willing to reach out for help (thankfully).  He has been seeing many school counselors and physiologists,  however he never allowed us to participate in the process.  He would fight us if ever we tried to intervene.  He became extremely angry with us.  He would continuously say that we were controlling. We've learnt to help him from afar however it remains extremely difficult.  He has not been diagnosed with BPD however he has been diagnosed with generalized anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts and attempts.   To the best of our knowledge he has not received any targeted treatment for suicidal attempts.  This is the part that is extremely difficult for us as the medical staff will not and cannot speak to us.  If they just listen to us they must advise our son that we have contacted them.  This would worsen our relationship with our son.  We did this a few years ago and things exploded when he found out.

I believe he feels everyone is judging him, however he is the one that is judging himself.  The challenges today are that he can't seem to finish university due to his anxiety.  He judges himself by perception... .people view him as successful because he is in university and working in a bank.  However both these items are failing at this point in his life. He is now  unable to sustain his current position in the bank as he has failed his licencing exam (last suicide attempt) and may have to resign from the position.  :)ue to his medical situation he was allowed to retake the exam again.  He will be taking the test one last time next week.  As you can imagine we are extremely nervous with the results and his reaction if the results are not in his favor.  

Our son is a very good looking young man with excellent social skills.  However the person you see is not the person he feels on the inside.  He compares himself all the time even though he does not say it out loud. How people perceive him is very important to him.  He (unfortunately- I think) was raised to put to much value on what job you have and what degree you have earned.  I believe this may have harmed him and has created an unrealistic expectation.  Over the past 5 years we have continued to tell him that we love him and want him to be happy. 

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Suffering Mom:    

He judges himself by perception... .people view him as successful because he is in university and working in a bank.  However both these items are failing at this point in his life. He is now  unable to sustain his current position in the bank as he has failed his licencing exam (last suicide attempt) and may have to resign from the position.  :)ue to his medical situation he was allowed to retake the exam again.  He will be taking the test one last time next week.  As you can imagine we are extremely nervous with the results and his reaction if the results are not in his favor.

Is your son on any meds for anxiety?  Sometimes doctors prescribe a beta blocker for people to use for things like performances, speeches and tests.  

Has he tried anything to manage his stress and self soothe in a healthy way?  For taking a test and participating in university, it can be helpful to use some breathing exercises and other stress reduction techniques.  Some quick mindfulness practice, and some relaxation exercises, before his test, might help him.  Feelings of anxiety and stress can become a habit.  Although, people prone to anxiety and stress, will probably always deal with it on some level, they can find ways to better manage it and reduce the negative impact.

There are some phone apps for relaxation and mindfulness (both Apple and Android).  Some of them have fees associated with the full features, but if you install them on your phone, you have a few starter features for free.

The links below lead to some coping skills that your son could try:

12 minute Thought Stream Meditation with Dr. Mike Dow
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0Lo5tUXkVI

Breathing: Three Exercises - Dr. Weil
www.drweil.com/drw/u/ART00521/three-breathing-exercises.html

Finding Alternative Thoughts
www.dbtselfhelp.com/FindingAlternativeThoughts.pdf

MINDFULNESS EXERCISE - FROM BOOK" HAPPINESS TRAP"
https://www.thehappinesstrap.com/upimages/Informal_Mindfulness_Exercises.pdf
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[Suffering mom]

Thank you so much for the helpful hints.  I will try sharing them with him.  Much appreciated!

To answer your question yes he has been on Venlafixine for approximately 2 years (75 mg) however since his last hospitalization (1 month) they changed his dosage and added Abilify.  He is currently on Abilify 2MG  Tablet + 300 mg of Venlafixine. 

[Suffering mom]

I would love to hear some suggestions on what I can do to try to avoid the significant shift in mood when something he sees as "end of the world" goes wrong.  As mentioned his exam is next week and I am living on pins and needles not knowing what the outcome will be and how he will react.

I also read this on your site and it's making question if in fact he may not have BPD... .where can I get more information?
Culture-Related Diagnostic Issues
The pattern of behavior seen in borderline personality disorder has been identified in many settings around the world. Adolescents and young adults with identity problems may transiently display behaviors that misleadingly give the impression of borderline personality disorder. Such situations are characterized by emotional instability, "existential" dilemmas, uncertainty, anxiety-provoking choices, conflicts about sexual orientation, and competing social pressures to decide on careers.

[Kwamina]

Hi again Suffering mom,

It can sometimes be difficult to come to a definitive diagnosis. However, regardless of the disorder, it is clear that your son exhibits certain BPD or BPD-like traits. Many of our members have family-members who have not been officially diagnosed as BPD or who only exhibit certain BPD traits. There are certain communication techniques that can help when dealing with people who have BPD (traits), I've selected two for you:

Validate, don't invalidate, but only validate the valid

Express your truth - S.E.T.: Support, Empathy, Truth

These structured communication techniques help reduce the likelihood of (further) conflict while maximizing the likelihood of getting through to the other person. Following the structured patterns can also help us stay more calm yourself. Were you already familiar with these techniques?

[Gorges]

The strategies you use with BPD (DBT) are helpful for everyone.  Wow the "20s" seem to be difficult for everyone not just BPD youth.  Hang in there. 

[Slipping]

Hi Suffering Mom,

My daughter also suffers with suicidal thoughts that are brought on by "end of the world" events, and she has made one serious attempt in addition to self-harming.  My heart really goes out to you.  The suffering of watching your child suffer is almost too much to put into words and the fear of suicide can be suffocating.

You've asked for advice on helping your son avoid the mood shifts that come when his emotions are out of control, and the links Kwamina provided above should help you.  With BPD, anything we can do to help our loved one regulate their emotions is a good thing, so you're on the right track in looking for help. This board is so supportive.

I want to add my experience, maybe it will help you.  When my daughter would express her despair, my usual response was to try to find the silver lining or to lighten the mood with humor, or even worse, suggest a solution that would fix things.  For her, that was exactly the wrong thing to do even though I was doing it for the right reasons (that's a lot of what parents seem to do!). 

I was always afraid to listen to her express her anxiety or sadness b/c I thought that would only increase her anxiety/distress if she was dwelling on it.  I've learned, however, that this is actually the very best thing I can do.  If she can express those negative emotions and feel heard/understood, sometimes that lessens her urge to act on them in order to be sure someone is "hearing" her distress.  This is the sort of thing you'll learn as you work through the lessons here on validation and communication. When my daughter first became seriously suicidal, I thought I was going to lose my mind b/c I knew I was making things worse but had no idea how to stop or what to do differently. Perhaps you already know about this, but I wanted to respond if for no other reason than to let you know you're not alone. 

Hugs to you,
Slipping

[Lollypop]

Today we understand that he's been suffering from anxiety since a young child, however it only became evident when he turned 15 years old.  He became very angry especially with us (his parents).  He would say things just to hurt us.  This was a very difficult time for him.  When we tried to help he would call us controlling.  

... .
Our son is a very good looking young man with excellent social skills.  However the person you see is not the person he feels on the inside.  He compares himself all the time even though he does not say it out loud. How people perceive him is very important to him.  He (unfortunately- I think) was raised to put to much value on what job you have and what degree you have earned.  I believe this may have harmed him and has created an unrealistic expectation.  Over the past 5 years we have continued to tell him that we love him and want him to be happy. 

Hi there Suffering Mom

Your post really resonated with me.  I had to post and touch base with you.

My BPDs26 was always anxious as a child and got diagnosed at 24 following a crisis.  Life's just so hard and it sounds like you've been through so much too.  I'm truly sorry reading about your troubles.

I read as much as I could about BPD and have been on the forum for over a year.  It's literally been my lifesaver and kept me persistent and consistent as I inched forward improving how I interact with him.  My relationship is much better with my BPDs, despite the problems.  Armed with the knowledge and understanding of BPD, I better understand his challenges and limitations.  His life isn't going to be what I'd hoped it would be, but it is his life, not mine. 

The fear of watching them make mistakes and then deal with the consequences is very very hard.  We all make mistakes and that's how we all learn.  My BPDs26 never felt safe enough to make those mistakes because of the way I parented.  He felt unworthy of our love. His insecurities are considerable and he needs a LOT of validation.

I want to offer you some hope as we've found a way forward with better communication and validation skills.  We've placed responsibility for his welfare where it belongs and it's been a huge weight lifted off our shoulders. He now shares his problems and vents knowing that we will not react.

I wish you well on your BPD journey and look forward to your posts.

L

[7babies]

I have few answers as this is all new with my daughter but I wanted you to know I understand your fears and sadness. You are not alone.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Suffering mom]

Thank you so much for reaching out 7babies, Lollypop and Slipping!   I too have always been afraid to listen to his  sadness or his suicidal thoughts.  As parents we tend to want to fix things, make everything right. You are absolutely right Slipping, I must get better at listening without speaking.  You bring an excellent point that I must work towards.  This is my goal as I move forward.  Thank you for reinforcing this important message!

Hugs to you all!