Is therapy making him worse?

[bananas2]

After years of jumping from therapist to therapist, my BPDh finally settled on a T he is comfortable with & is attending regular appts & seems to finally be doing some actual work in his sessions (he manipulated & lied to the previous therapists). Last month he even went several weeks without a "rage episode" - he's never gone that long without raging. I even praised him for it & told him I was proud of him for making progress. I figured he was doing well bc of the therapy. But now it occurs to me that that time period where he was doing well coincided with the few weeks that he didn't have therapy appts (T was unavailable). I just noticed this pattern today after realizing that he started raging again after resuming his T appts last week. Seems now that within 24 hrs of each T appt, he goes into a rage for a few days, then regulates, then goes back to "Mr. Hyde" right after the next session.

I spent ages trying to get him into therapy & now that he's in it, he's worse. Do I bring this to his attention?
Has anyone else experienced this same thing where your BPD partner's behaviors worsen with therapy? Has anyone ever seen improvement with a pwBPD from therapy?

Note: His T is a specialist in BPD & DBT.

[teapay]

Since you can't leave and he won't leave you alone you may need to call the cops on him.  If you decide to do this, try to record or otherwise document his behavior.  My W does like visits for the cops or othe consequences and will alter behavior in response at least for a while.

[bananas2]

Teapay - Thank you for taking the time to reply.
Sadly, The police are not an option anymore. They've come twice when I called, but my BPDh has a family member who is a high-ranking officer on the force who always defends him, & the officers are all afraid of the repercussions bc of him. Hub has also called the cops on me when I've managed (somehow) to leave our home until he regulates - he tells them I'm unstable & need help.

[waverider]

Therapy is challenging it doesn't always soothe in the first instance, but digs up the demons.

Ineffective therapy enables avoidance, which is soothing.

So you could say it is at least indicate it is hitting raw nerves that he can't sidestep. It really is a long term treatment that doesn't always benefit the now

[Grey Kitty]

Good long-term therapy is about bringing the source of his problems up to the surface where he can address them.

Yeah, that's going to look ugly while it is happening.

There is also therapy with more short-term goals, teaching him better (i.e. less destructive, hopefully for you!) coping mechanisms, and that probably wouldn't be poking the bear so to speak.

If it is effective, and if he continues to work at it, he should eventually make progress.

One thing I can say is that my wife DID make some real progress. At one point, she told me she had made this incredible breakthrough, and it was like she was a whole new person. (I heard about this several times!)

My response was that I believed her when she said something important had changed, but I didn't live inside her head, and I couldn't see that change; all I could see was if how she behaved, how she treated me changed or not. And I had to say that I wasn't seeing much change.

... .months went by... .

She had another breakthrough. And I *immediately* noticed the difference. By that time I'd become very effective at shutting down verbal/emotional abuse with good boundaries. The change I noticed was that she stopped trying to be abusive toward me that way. It was pretty amazing. I still believe that both breakthroughs were "real" and both mattered, and both were probably needed.

[bananas2]

Problem resolved!    (Albeit probably temporary, but at least the rage episode is over):

I was thinking about your replies about therapy bringing up demons and things getting "ugly" & it reminded me of my own work in therapy (decades ago before I met my hub). It was terribly difficult talking about my childhood abuse in therapy (just as he is doing now) & I was often angry for what seemed to be no reason. I later realized it was the suppressed hurt and anger rising to the top after being stuffed for so many years. I'm sure that's what's happening for him now.
So I called him on his way to work this morning (I didn't want to discuss in person in case he escalated) & told him about the pattern I see - that he rages at me after his therapy sessions probably bc of the anger coming up. My comment stopped him dead in his tracks. No response, no retaliation, no excuse. Then said he had to go & hung up.

I thought about it a little more & then texted him using validation while also setting a boundary:
"I am glad you are in therapy & obviously working through some tough stuff. It seems to be bringing up a lot of anger for you, which is totally normal. But you also need to find ways to work thru that anger without directing it at me, ok?"
I got a seemingly positive "ok" reply from him. So I think Mr. Hyde is gone for now & I will gently revisit this topic with him again before his next therapy session.

So thank you so much for your replies - they really helped! 

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi bananas2,

Glad to hear that you were able to communicate about it  And good job on the validation and stating your truth 

Although the crisis might be over for now, I thought I'd chime in for others that might be reading the thread as my dBPDh has been in therapy for 2,5 years now.

He did see and art therapist/psychologist for a few months some years back (maybe four years ago?). One day he just stopped. I didn't really see much difference. Then he decided to start doing psychoanalysis. He has been going twice a week for 2,5 years now.

And yes, it has stirred up all kinds of emotions along the way for him. I have been extremely frustrated and struggling with it as well, and it has shown me clearly where my own issues lies, too. The last few months he has seemed a lot worse, and then suddenly things has started to fall more into place. He has opened up more and has shown more insight the last couple of months than our whole time (7 years) combined. So it might look messy, chaotic and volatile from the outside. It probably feels like that as well. I guess it's normal, because feelings are bubbling up to the surface and he might face some harsh truths about his himself and his relationship with other people.

My husband has very recently been able to express that when he is "experiencing a crisis" (dysregulating), it has nothing to do with me. I'm there as a trigger and a target, but he's really struggling with issues that go way back into his past. And that he's in tremendous pain during these moments. And although he doesn't want them to happen, he has no way of stopping the wave of rage and emotion when it arrives. So the best thing I can do for him and myself, according to him, is to remove myself from the situation. Because it's not me he can't stand for one more second, it's the situation itself, which at that moment triggers a ton of hurt and suffering for him and makes him go into protection mode, which is rage. This is all according to him, and seems to align with what we learn here. He says taht in the heat of the moment, he doesn't see it and he is uncapable of stopping it. He can talk about it after, though. So he really, really wants me to remove myself from the situation, for both our sakes and because he wants to do as little damage to our relationship as possible. And he knows that he has no way of stopping what is happening. I really need to get out of the way.

The fact that he's projecting situations and feelings onto me is not news to me, or to any of us here I think. But it's a great breakthrough for him. And this breakthrough, or change in understanding, came after a really messy, caotic and volatile few months. Beacuse therapy is not linear, it's not "Now we've fixed problem A, let's get on with problem B". And the patient is constantly faced with triggering, difficult, exhausting truths. No wonder the person has little control after, with lots of "demons" coming to the surface.

So in short (  ), it seems normal that it triggers all kinds of crappy feelings for your husband. And make sure to distance yourself from it.

It's possible it feels somewhat the same for your husband.