Can't believe I'm in this situation

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I wish I had found this community a while ago - may all of the tips on communication would have helped, or maybe they wouldn't have. I feel like I've tried so hard over the past 10 years that I've been with my husband to empathize, to adapt my expectations. Over the years I've started to believe the story that he's told me, which is that I'm not kind, not supportive, don't listen to him, expect too much from him. And then - there are the weeks where he's "normal," sweet and loving to me, tells me that I'm amazing and that he appreciates me.

I can't take it anymore.

I've seen versions of my story on the chats here so frequently that I hardly need to go into the details. We've been together 10 years, married for 7. We have a 6 year-old and an 18 month-old. He's never known what he wanted to do with his life, although he's told me many different ideas over the years. He never follows through. He gets fired a lot. We thought that would change when he opened his own business, but it's like he's frozen.His business partner basically dumped him for being a jerk and never following through after being open 5 months. I think the second child and the business have really pushed him over the edge - we've always had difficulties communicating, etc - but it's become unbearable over the past two years. He's so MEAN. He grew up with an abusive father, and it's like he's literally channeling him at times (without being physically abusive).

I took the kids to my parents' house last month and stayed there for 5 nights because I needed a break. I'm the only person making money, the only person keeping things together and I'm exhausted. When I came back it was like he'd seen the light, and I could see that he has been trying hard over the subsequent weeks. But I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop... .and then it did. I asked him to give me insight into his business and when expects to start breaking even and eventually making a profit. Instead, he became hyper focused on our personal finances. For the first time ever, I might add. He created a bogus budget, that included not paying my parents back for the money they loaned us to bail us out of a horrible situation we'd gotten into with our mortgage when he was unemployed after getting fired when our second child was 10 weeks old (I have since gotten a job that I hate but where I make more money - still trying to get out of this financial hole, though). I asked him not to talk to my parents about waiting to pay them back until we were on the same page and requested that we go see a financial counselor together. He completely spiraled. you know the drill. He ended up writing my parents an email - after I had asked him not to - and said things about how I had mismanaged our money. It's just so incredibly delusional and unfair. I told him how upsetting it was to me that he wrote to them after I asked him not to. I asked him again to go see a financial counselor with me. He said that I didn't respect him and that he was done.

This weekend has been awful. He's been giving me the silent treatment and not looking at me, making little jabs in front of the kids. He wanted to "have a talk" with me yesterday, but I said that I wanted to wait until we could meet with our therapist on Monday. he got really mad and said that he didn't want to do that. Today I asked him again to go to the therapist with me and he refuses. He sent me an email saying: "There is nothing more to say to you anymore. I am forced to put this into an email because you refuse to let me speak. I want out of this marriage. We need to talk about how to make that happen as soon as possible."

What the heck!

At this point, I'm ready to be done. Finally. I just want peace. I am so heart broken though. When he's in a  healthy state of mind I get glimpses of this beautiful life that we could have. I don't need him to be perfect, but I do need him to be kind and respectful to me. I don't  deserve his delusions and vitriol.

Now I have to figure out the logistics of moving forward. He has no income, and we only have one car. I'm trying to get us out of debt, but I'm probably going to have to ask my parents for MORE help to just get him out of the house. I'm trying to be more honest with them about what I'm going through, but it's hard not to feel ashamed and like it's just so crazy (many of his failings are obvious - like getting fired all of the time - but in general he comes across to outsiders as sweet, funny, charming, and smart).

I'm so sad for my children. I'm so sad for my husband, who is clearly in pain. I'm sad for myself, for all of the times I let myself hope that we could make it work. I'm also ready to let go of this guilt and shame and try to be truly happy - for myself and my kids.

Thanks for listening. I'm glad I found this site. It really helped clarify for me that I can't do this anymore, even if I wanted to. And I hope that the skills will help because I know he is always going to be a part of my life, and I truly hope it's not toxic forever.

[Adastra]

I wish I had found this community a while ago - may all of the tips on communication would have helped, or maybe they wouldn't have. I feel like I've tried so hard over the past 10 years that I've been with my husband to empathize, to adapt my expectations. Over the years I've started to believe the story that he's told me, which is that I'm not kind, not supportive, don't listen to him, expect too much from him. And then - there are the weeks where he's "normal," sweet and loving to me, tells me that I'm amazing and that he appreciates me.

I can't take it anymore.

I've seen versions of my story on the chats here so frequently that I hardly need to go into the details. We've been together 10 years, married for 7. We have a 6 year-old and an 18 month-old. He's never known what he wanted to do with his life, although he's told me many different ideas over the years. He never follows through. He gets fired a lot. We thought that would change when he opened his own business, but it's like he's frozen.His business partner basically dumped him for being a jerk and never following through after being open 5 months. I think the second child and the business have really pushed him over the edge - we've always had difficulties communicating, etc - but it's become unbearable over the past two years. He's so MEAN. He grew up with an abusive father, and it's like he's literally channeling him at times (without being physically abusive).

I took the kids to my parents' house last month and stayed there for 5 nights because I needed a break. I'm the only person making money, the only person keeping things together and I'm exhausted. When I came back it was like he'd seen the light, and I could see that he has been trying hard over the subsequent weeks. But I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop... .and then it did. I asked him to give me insight into his business and when expects to start breaking even and eventually making a profit. Instead, he became hyper focused on our personal finances. For the first time ever, I might add. He created a bogus budget, that included not paying my parents back for the money they loaned us to bail us out of a horrible situation we'd gotten into with our mortgage when he was unemployed after getting fired when our second child was 10 weeks old (I have since gotten a job that I hate but where I make more money - still trying to get out of this financial hole, though). I asked him not to talk to my parents about waiting to pay them back until we were on the same page and requested that we go see a financial counselor together. He completely spiraled. you know the drill. He ended up writing my parents an email - after I had asked him not to - and said things about how I had mismanaged our money. It's just so incredibly delusional and unfair. I told him how upsetting it was to me that he wrote to them after I asked him not to. I asked him again to go see a financial counselor with me. He said that I didn't respect him and that he was done.

This weekend has been awful. He's been giving me the silent treatment and not looking at me, making little jabs in front of the kids. He wanted to "have a talk" with me yesterday, but I said that I wanted to wait until we could meet with our therapist on Monday. he got really mad and said that he didn't want to do that. Today I asked him again to go to the therapist with me and he refuses. He sent me an email saying: "There is nothing more to say to you anymore. I am forced to put this into an email because you refuse to let me speak. I want out of this marriage. We need to talk about how to make that happen as soon as possible."

What the heck!

At this point, I'm ready to be done. Finally. I just want peace. I am so heart broken though. When he's in a  healthy state of mind I get glimpses of this beautiful life that we could have. I don't need him to be perfect, but I do need him to be kind and respectful to me. I don't  deserve his delusions and vitriol.

Now I have to figure out the logistics of moving forward. He has no income, and we only have one car. I'm trying to get us out of debt, but I'm probably going to have to ask my parents for MORE help to just get him out of the house. I'm trying to be more honest with them about what I'm going through, but it's hard not to feel ashamed and like it's just so crazy (many of his failings are obvious - like getting fired all of the time - but in general he comes across to outsiders as sweet, funny, charming, and smart).

I'm so sad for my children. I'm so sad for my husband, who is clearly in pain. I'm sad for myself, for all of the times I let myself hope that we could make it work. I'm also ready to let go of this guilt and shame and try to be truly happy - for myself and my kids.

Thanks for listening. I'm glad I found this site. It really helped clarify for me that I can't do this anymore, even if I wanted to. And I hope that the skills will help because I know he is always going to be a part of my life, and I truly hope it's not toxic forever.

[roberto516]

I wish I could offer more than what I'm going to be able to. But if you ever need to vent I will certainly listen. And I'm sorry that you are having these experiences right now. It's a difficult spot to be in with children, a home, etc. It's not as easy as packing up and leaving I can imagine. And I questioned whether it would have helped if I knew all the communication skills/ways to improve the relationship  beforehand. But in my case it would have been me giving and trying with no mutual effort. Which seems like your situation.

It does get better. It will get better. And you are I the right place. We all understand this and can relate all too well. Stay strong!

[gotbushels]

Hi Adastra   

Welcome.

It may feel difficult to be in a relationship where undesirable traits--a lack of kindness, support, and listening--are our partner's "story" of us. Yes, sometimes a partner's mood may differ from day to day.

Trying to understand and work with a partner that is struggling with their own employment is also quite a draining thing to live with.

You can find support here. It seems like you have your terms on speaking, he has his, and they're at odds with each other. Can you explain more about him being silent toward you, and you not wanting to talk without the therapist? 

[ynwa]

.  Hello Adastra,  I wanted to thank you for sharing, and I know what you are experiencing must be hard to deal with.  It's never easing dealing with the traits of someone with BPD.  There are some great resources here to help you navigate some of the conversations and situations you are more than likely doing.

You aren't alone, we here have all gone through it in one way or another.  We can help, but if I may ask, do you have a support system of family/friends you can lean on?

YNWA

[SettingBorders]

Hello and welcome Adastra,

I am not sure I can help you, but I hope that knowing you're not alone will at least smoth your pain. When I started here half a year ago, it felt like a huge relief to know I am not alone and to find words for what I was experiencing.

Your post reminds of my (ex)boyfriend, who is failing in life and searches for the fault elsewere. He's a kind and loving person inside, but he's not able to take responsability for himself. It's so sad! Mine has many crazy ideas as well that he never follows through.

Do your parents understand what is going on? I mean they will easily see that he's not making any money, so hopefully they know that his email is just him beeing mean.

Maybe it helps to fantasize about what preparations you could make to move on? Logistically, emotionally and regarding safety. Are there close friends of him you could talk to in order to support him?

Before I left, I thought a lot about how my life would be in a few years either way: when I stayd or when I would leave him.

Do you have any friend you could make a the gift of having some time to yourself? For thinking about your situation, for planning and for resting.

You're in a toxic situation. Take good care for yourself.