Custody evaluation - need advise

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi!
Out custody court is only at the end of June and suddenly I received today a call from the custody evaluator out of the blue, that she started her work and wants to meet. I feel so unprepared.
I will try to meet with my L and T before meeting her, but I also travel - is it appropriate to ask to postpone the meeting until mid next week when I will be back?
Also, what are your lessons learned from your CE? What did you bring with you? What you find most helpful to say? avoid saying?
Thank you!

[Freeagain2017]

Hi!
Out custody court is only at the end of June and suddenly I received today a call from the custody evaluator out of the blue, that she started her work and wants to meet. I feel so unprepared.
I will try to meet with my L and T before meeting her, but I also travel - is it appropriate to ask to postpone the meeting until mid next week when I will be back?
Also, what are your lessons learned from your CE? What did you bring with you? What you find most helpful to say? avoid saying?
Thank you!

[david]

I went through several eval. I was nervous the first time and I think it hurt me. I was calm and collected for the last one and had a plan of what I was seeking. I had answers to all the challenges and was willing to compromise on things I thought I could compromise on.

[GaGrl]

Much of the advice here regarding custody heals is to keep the conversation focused on what is best for the children rather than discussing the ex's accusations, mental state, or poor parenting skills. Be positive about the children's abilities and potential and how you a r e connected to their growth and development. Be sure you know the names of their teachers, religious instructors, coaches, music teachers, doctors.

Anything else, David?

[trappeddad]

don't spend much $ on it.    mine was a fraudulent experience

[soundofmusicgirl]

we had a custody evaluation and unfortunately the evaluator did not follow her outlined procedure at all. In the agreement she sent us she outlined exactly what would happen (interview us for 2-3 hrs at minimun etc). But it never happened. Which led to a very skewed and biased report.

I wish we had known then to be more aggressive about it and to call this to the attention of our lawyer. In the end all our L could do was argue in court that the report should not be submimtted as evidence as the evaluator did not follow procedure.

Keep calm and focuse on the children. Share your hopes and observations. Point out how you are involved in their life and offer documentation as to your role in the childrens life.

[Panda39]

Freeagain,

I agree with everyone else have a good knowledge base about your kids and their lives... .teachers, friends, favorite subjects at school etc.

Focus on the kids and their needs.  One thing from my SO's experience I wanted to share is if you are angry at your stbx keep that under wraps.  Unless she has been officially diagnosed discuss her behaviors only, do not use a diagnosis when talking about your wife's issues.

Do talk about the behaviors that concern you in relation to the kids, not the behaviors that have been used against you or trigger you... .it's about the kids not about you.  Vent here, vent in therapy, but don't vent to the Evaluator.

If there are any documented events... .suicide threats, hospitalizations related to her mental health, police reports, drug use, alcohol use, arrests etc. do bring them up, but be prepared to talk about your response to these types of things in relation to your kids too.

If you are out of town on business the day the Evaluator requested I think it is completely acceptable to ask to meet at an alternate time.

Panda39

[ForeverDad]

don't spend much $ on it.    mine was a fraudulent experience

Experience, perceptiveness, lack of gender bias and a reputation for good evaluations are key.  Do your research when selecting a CE, it has the potential to make or break a case.  My lawyer recommended a child psychologist, he was surely exaggerating a little but he said court never questioned his evaluations and viewed him like god.  Yes, my lawyer said that.  Halfway through the CE process I found out he lectured at the local university.  The initial report considered between lawyers and the main judge was only 11 pages but it was spot on.  The conclusion included, "Mother cannot share 'her' child but Father can."

I agree with the others, focus on the children and your relationship with them.  I recall I presented a book-sized stack of therapy records with stick-ems scattered throughout where then-stbEx had made baseless allegations against me, my aged mother and even others, weird claims, etc.  The CE remarked I was so concerned with the details.  Well, after years of being blamed and maliciously maligned at various agencies, of course I did that.  I guess he saw my extreme defensiveness as a bit over the top.

[david]

As I said my first eval I was nervous. The evaluator asked questions that I didn't think were pertinent and I tried answering them as best I could. A lot of the questions gave me an opportunity to attack ex. I went along and pointed out that I thought ex had some kind of mental health issue. I explained how my ss's (her kids from her first marriage) testified that I was the better parent. I tried defending myself because I thought I was under attack. That was a few months after ex ran away. I was not in any shape emotionally to deal with it properly. That was in 2008.
We had another eval in 2010. By then I was emotionally detached enough and more sure of myself. I knew what I was looking for and I had reasons why. I never spoke of ex at all unless I was asked by the evaluator.
My big issue then was that ex did not help either boy with their school work or checked to make sure they did it. I made it clear that I thought education was a priority in a child's' life. At that time one was in elementary and the other in middle school. I spent a large amount of time with our youngest. Our older boy was more self directed by then and I would simply make sure he was doing what he was supposed to be doing. Our youngest learned that he didn't need to do anything at his moms and did just that. We had very different rules in each house. I never criticized ex for her rules but made sure the evaluator understood each house was different. He asked if I tried to talk to ex about it and I said that I tried several times through emails and it always led to an argument that I couldn't understand.  I offered to print the emails and give them to him. He never asked for any.
We had several meetings together and ex continued her "normal" attacks towards me. I steered clear of arguing with her and would simply say that was not true. I was calm the entire time. I believe ex realized she was not winning and she became more agitated. The third or fourth meeting she actually threatened the evaluator. She told him she was going to take him to court and have him locked up. I sat there and let the evaluator handle her. I didn't smile or do anything. I wanted to walk over to her, thank her, and give her a hug but I didn't think that would have been a good idea.
My custody schedule was not the norm in our county and I was challenged about it. I stood firm on what I thought was best and had my reasons. His recommendation followed my schedule.
In court the judge challenged me about it too. I did pretty much the same thing. I was calm because I believed what I was asking for was best for our boys. The judge's order followed my schedule.
I still get nasty emails from ex although nowhere near the amount from years ago. I  don't take the bait anymore and simply put it in a folder in case I need it later.
My last evaluator was picked by my attorney. He gave ex's attorney three to choose from and he said all three were good. That was my second attorney. My first attorney was not that good and it took me two years to figure that out. I had to learn how the game was played. My attorney now works with me. He listens and answers all my questions. He explains what he believes is possible in court and what is not. He also gives reasons why. Knowing the reasons why helped me to find a way to a solution. Many times he would explain what would not work in court. A few days later I would call him with other information. A lot of the times he said this would work with the new information he was given. The attorney should know the law and you just need to provide him with what he needs to get there.
I actually had two personal phone numbers of my boys teachers in my phone book.  They gave them to me after they met ex. I am a teacher and would never do that. I had all numbers for the school, main office, nurses office,counselors, etc. I had pediatricians numbers, dentist, their friends numbers, etc. I knew their friends names, things they did, pretty much everything a parent normally has. I was in the evaluators office with ex and the evaluator needed the pediatricians number because of a false allegation by ex. I took my phone out and gave her the number. I also told her which doctor was the doctor that was involved in the false allegation.