New to BPD and Need Guidance

[NeedHelp1949]

I am new to BPD and have just started the Stop Walking on Eggshells workbook for my grown son who fits this description to a "T".  He is very angry at me for setting boundaries and has not initiated a call to me.  Things got worse after my mother (his grandmother) passed away and he became more needy than usual.  I had to tell him I could no longer support him in his decision to not work.  He does odd jobs and comes over during the day to "hang out" and I've been letting him.  My husband (his step dad) is against this and will no longer speak to him.  My son feels like he should be able to live his life like as he wants and me and my husband should accept him as he is and let him come over at any time.  He has no one else and says we are keeping him from having a relationship with us.  Since I set my boundaries and am in accord with my husband he says my husband has influenced him and "talked in my ear" and turned me against him.  He feels especially sad since he was with is grandmother when she took her last breath and we should have more compassion for him.  When we do talk now whether in person or on the phone it always goes back to him blaming me and my husband (or someone else) for all his problems.  He is going to turn 47 this month and this has been going on for five years.  We have turned our lives upside down to help him but he does not take the initiative and the responsibility for getting on with his life.  I am currently in counseling and my counselor is open to me bringing my son in but my son will not "label" himself or admit he has a problem so I'm not sure how to introduce him to the fact that HE might have a problem.  (He was diagnosed with hyperactivity when young and I chose not to put him on Ritalin).  He has relationship problems with everyone  that comes into his life and it is always the other person's fault when a relationship goes south.  My very basic question is should I continue calling him and reaching out to him or should I let him call me.  He is basically homeless and lives pretty much in his car as far as I know.  He has been offered homeless shelters that will educate him and find him a job and place to live but has refused and said this is not what he needs.  He is very intelligent and is wasting his life away and now is very angry at me.  Thank you for any help you can give me as I start my journey with BPD.  I'm fairly certain that this is a correct diagnosis for him.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi there NeedHelp1949

Welcome to the forum.  I'm very sorry to hear what has brought you here but very glad to meet you  .

I have an adult son who is 26 and was diagnosed BPD at 24.  He currently lives at home with us and I understand how difficult it is. Our relationship with him hit an all time low as we just couldn't make him see, make him change, make him take responsibility for himself.  It's just so exhausting isn't it.

I encourage you to learn as much as you can about BPD and you'll find lots of information on this page on the top right hand side.  The Stop Walking on Eggshells is an excellent book too.  You're doing exactly the right thing.  I found that once I understood about BPD, then I could understand why my BPDs behaves the way he does and I just don't react the way I used to.  He really struggles coping with life's challenges, has quite specific limitations and has a very different view things.  It has been hard to accept that his life won't be the one we'd hoped for him but it is his life, not mine.

I want to stress that the tools will help you in all sorts of ways with all of your relationships, regardless if there's BPD or not. I can honestly say that I have a better relationship with my husband, friends and younger son because of what I've learnt here on the forum.

I've worked hard on improving my communication and validation skills and this has helped me interact with him. Our relationship has improved, despite the problems.  I am no longer judgmental and let him attempt to resolve his own problems.  We all make mistakes and that's how we all learn.

There's much to learn and it can be overwhelming so it's good to take baby steps. It's wonderful that you've got support with a counselor and I hope you find help for your own grief.  It's important to take care of ourselves.

L