I MIGHT be able to take the first steps toward healing from his cheating.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I apologize if this is long - thanks for reading!
I had posted a while ago about dealing with my BPDh's previous infidelity, but the post starting getting off-topic, so I thought I'd start a new one. Plus I have some things to add.
Backstory: My BPDh cheated on me multiple times (one-night stands) in the 1st 2 years of our marriage (we've been together for 5 1/2 & married for 3 1/2). The last episode of infidelity occurred a year ago in January, but last summer he admitted to looking online in an attempt to do it again, but he didn't go through with it.
It goes without saying that this has been extremely painful for me, especially since I have never cheated on him (or anyone) in my life.
Well now that the cheating has stopped & he is in therapy, I find that my initial hurt from his cheating is evolving more and more into bouts of anger. I've lashed out at him several times this week about it. I've figured out that what has triggered my anger is a combination of things:
1) Recent results of his latest HIV test (negative - thank God!) - I make him get one every year.
2) Writing about his infidelity the other day in reply to someone else's post about the same thing.
3) Seriously fluctuating hormones from peri-menopause.  
4) His threat last month to cheat again (while he was in a rage episode), but honestly, I think I precipitated that by telling him in my anger to "go screw another whore."
5) Him locking me out of his online cell phone acct page after promising me transparency (again, he was in a rage - not that that excuses it).
6) He repeatedly apologizes, but I don't feel genuine remorse coming from him.

So obviously me lashing out at him repeatedly & me bringing the topic up constantly is not helping me heal from this & of course is further damaging our r/s & causing me a great deal of stress. Being mad at him all the time is only hurting me. I feel like I'm stagnating in this place of animosity.
So now I've gotten to the point that I know I need to change something or just stay angry for the rest of my life.
We had attempted marriage counseling last year (3rd marriage counselor), but decided to put it on hold while we work thru our separate issues in individual therapy.
I told him this morning that I want to talk to him about this topic tonight. I'm considering telling him that I might be able to start taking the steps toward us healing from his infidelity (he desperately wants this & so do I) if he does the following 3 things:
1) Never again threatens to cheat on me.
2) Goes back to showing me transparency by allowing me access to his online cell phone acct.*
3) Agrees to go back to marriage counseling (also something he wants), but to discuss only the topic of healing from infidelity.

Curious about your thoughts & I'd really appreciate any input from those of you who have been in the same/similar situation.

* Re: online cell phone logs -  I know this may seem invasive, but I've read many articles about this being an important show of good faith & transparency by the cheater. "For a breech of trust to heal, the straying spouse generally needs to aim for complete transparency.  Offering full access to mobile telephone records and texts, to computer emails, and more, helps trust to rebuild. Continued hiding behaviors, by contrast, are likely to undermine the spouse's recovery process.  Recovery is as much about recovery from breech of honesty as from breech of sexual and emotional monogamy vows."

[bananas2]

I apologize if this is long - thanks for reading!
I had posted a while ago about dealing with my BPDh's previous infidelity, but the post starting getting off-topic, so I thought I'd start a new one. Plus I have some things to add.
Backstory: My BPDh cheated on me multiple times (one-night stands) in the 1st 2 years of our marriage (we've been together for 5 1/2 & married for 3 1/2). The last episode of infidelity occurred a year ago in January, but last summer he admitted to looking online in an attempt to do it again, but he didn't go through with it.
It goes without saying that this has been extremely painful for me, especially since I have never cheated on him (or anyone) in my life.
Well now that the cheating has stopped & he is in therapy, I find that my initial hurt from his cheating is evolving more and more into bouts of anger. I've lashed out at him several times this week about it. I've figured out that what has triggered my anger is a combination of things:
1) Recent results of his latest HIV test (negative - thank God!) - I make him get one every year.
2) Writing about his infidelity the other day in reply to someone else's post about the same thing.
3) Seriously fluctuating hormones from peri-menopause.  
4) His threat last month to cheat again (while he was in a rage episode), but honestly, I think I precipitated that by telling him in my anger to "go screw another whore."
5) Him locking me out of his online cell phone acct page after promising me transparency (again, he was in a rage - not that that excuses it).
6) He repeatedly apologizes, but I don't feel genuine remorse coming from him.

So obviously me lashing out at him repeatedly & me bringing the topic up constantly is not helping me heal from this & of course is further damaging our r/s & causing me a great deal of stress. Being mad at him all the time is only hurting me. I feel like I'm stagnating in this place of animosity.
So now I've gotten to the point that I know I need to change something or just stay angry for the rest of my life.
We had attempted marriage counseling last year (3rd marriage counselor), but decided to put it on hold while we work thru our separate issues in individual therapy.
I told him this morning that I want to talk to him about this topic tonight. I'm considering telling him that I might be able to start taking the steps toward us healing from his infidelity (he desperately wants this & so do I) if he does the following 3 things:
1) Never again threatens to cheat on me.
2) Goes back to showing me transparency by allowing me access to his online cell phone acct.*
3) Agrees to go back to marriage counseling (also something he wants), but to discuss only the topic of healing from infidelity.

Curious about your thoughts & I'd really appreciate any input from those of you who have been in the same/similar situation.

* Re: online cell phone logs -  I know this may seem invasive, but I've read many articles about this being an important show of good faith & transparency by the cheater. "For a breech of trust to heal, the straying spouse generally needs to aim for complete transparency.  Offering full access to mobile telephone records and texts, to computer emails, and more, helps trust to rebuild. Continued hiding behaviors, by contrast, are likely to undermine the spouse's recovery process.  Recovery is as much about recovery from breech of honesty as from breech of sexual and emotional monogamy vows."

[heartandwhole]

Hi bananas2,

I know this is an older post; it looks like it fell through the cracks and didn't get a timely response. I can fully understand your anger at your husband's infidelity, and your insight that the anger will ultimately hurt you the most is a good one.

How have things evolved since you posted this? Have you broached the subject in your individual therapy sessions?

Have your feelings shifted? How about your husband's?

heartandwhole

[bananas2]

Heartandwhole -

Thank you for your reply.

Yes, I have discussed this subject in the my individual tx. I don't know if he has done so in his tx. My T likes the idea of hub & I going back to counseling to work solely on this issue (for now). We resume therapy with our MC tonight. I'm hopeful, but also anxious.

He & I are still feeling the same. I'm pleased though that he has decided to allow me access once again to his cell phone bill. I don't even check it anymore, I just like knowing that he's being transparent.

[Grey Kitty]

Transparency can be a tool for a couple recovering from cheating, although it depends on the circumstances.

I only half remember how he cheated... .but I kinda think I remember him openly threatening to cheat on you... .and sometimes following through, sometimes not, instead of hiding it.

Transparency is a cure for deception. If deception wasn't involved, I don't see how it will help.

Either way, if you take the "job" of watching him and looking for things he's hiding, that isn't a healthy role for you, especially if you do it obsessively. I'm glad to hear you aren't!

[isilme]

About 10 years ago, H was more about emotional cheating, though I am pretty sure more than I would approve happened physically in about 2-3 cases.  There was one girl, from a local town, and she seemed to think (before meeting me) that since we weren't yet married, all was fair game, even though we'd been together for 10 years, living together most of that time.  So she started calling, texting him all the time, inviting him places and he loved the attention, and at that point, we almost split.  I finally got to a "her or me" stance, and it was a really tough, bad, rough time.  Then, the girl met me, and I guess all the black and white splitting H must have done to excuse his talking to her and quasi-dating her suddenly did not seem so cut and dry.  I blamed him, partly her, but mostly him, so when her birthday came around, I felt obligated to give her a gift, because that is how I am.  Birthdays matter.  Mine had been ignored by family, and even by H in the past, and I never want anyone to feel bad on their birthday.  And yes. I was being a bit of a ___, by killing her with kindness.  It worked.  She got uncomfortable, H could no longer justify his behavior by blaming me, and then I managed to show him I was ready to walk by buying a car (I got money from a pension I didn't even know I had). 

In order to assuage my mind, and see if I could believe him when he said they were no longer talking/texting, anything, I started obsessively checking the phone records.  I never told him this, I just did it.  Her number started to drop off, then disappeared, and no new ones showed up. 

So yes, some sort of outside verification for your own sanity is good to have, if you are worried about lying about phone use.  And the bill can often be checked online, without his knowledge.  You can view text numbers on one list and calls on another, usually.