More issues on the weekends?

[See Rainbows]

It always seems like there are more issues and fights on the weekends. Is it just me or is this a pattern with pwBPD?  As if, now that they don't have to think about their job during the week, so they need something else to occupy their thoughts. Does anyone else see that pattern in their relationship?

[PeteWitsend]

Does anyone else see that pattern in their relationship?

I SURE DO!

In our case, if I don't make weekend plans, or she doesn't like my weekend plans, I'm in for all sorts of accusations, from not loving my famiy enough to want to spend time with them, to not loving her at all. 

And even if when we do spend a whole day together at the zoo, museum, park, etc (which we do often), I don't get any thanks, and we usually spend some portion of that time with her upset at me for something she perceives I've done... .looking at other women too much, not standing close enough to her, not hugging her when I was supposed to, never taking pictures of her, not paying enough attention to the kids, etc. Despite everything MC told her, these are never expressed to me as requests, but as accusations, attacks, my own personal failings, etc.

weekends are a minefield.

[michel71]

ABSOLUTELY... .no doubt about it.
When my uBPDw and I were living together I knew their was a 70/30 chance that some argument would happen on the weekend creating two things:
1) a terrible weekend with no rest up for the next week
2) a drama "hangover" for Monday and mostly the inability to do my job with complete functionality until Wednesday.

I totally relate and I think a lot of other posters on here will as well. I think it might have something to do with being more in their space and thus "triggering" them.

[Chaffers]

 Yes I noticed this.

It often felt as though a deliberate policy of sleep deprivation was being enacted. I gave up trying to get an early night, particularly on Sundays.

I used to call it the ten o'clock stress. Just as you were looking for some quiet time to relax and unwind before bed she'd brew up some crisis or problem that would need a few hours to talk through.

I used to think she had some form of anxiety about the future and started stressing about the next day. In actuality though I think she probably just found me easier to manipulate when I was tired.

Weekends were the time I should have been giving her a break from the kids. Or should have been giving her more attention if I took the kids out. Or done my share of housework, read all of it, or the shopping with the kids to allow her to get to level 800 of candy crush sava. Etc.

 

[AllNightLong]

Oh yes! Way to familiar...

Weekends and vacations are the worst. If i have plans she Will do what she can to ruin them and if we have plans together it's in best case 50/50 that we Will pull them off. I think that we just can't spend unplanned time under the same roof cause there are to many things i do that she gets annoyed about.

[allienoah]

Completely familiar! I do think the distraction of work keeps my bf at bay. When he had more free time on his hands, he checked in all the time-no I didn't ask him to do so. He would show up at my job just to say hello, or drop off lunch-no I didn't ask for it. All of this sounds nice, but it was a bit smothering. At first it was very romantic and sweet. I do think he is extremely thoughtful. But as far as weekends go, it is when he is not thinking of work, and then it becomes about what I am doing/not doing. All free time is assumed to be spent together. No breathers! But eventually, something will trigger him and the fireworks start. Then he laments the "lost time" due to the fights.

[Clara Louise]

Yes, the weekends are a predictable time for high conflict.  In another post, I mentioned relationship fatigue and the emotional roller coaster of weekends are draining, and a leading cause of what I've termed relationship fatigue. I am learning not to engage, but that intense, pervasive feeling of being on guard and "walking on egg-shells" is more much obvious to me on the weekends.

This long standing, on going pattern means that there isn't the necessary time for renewal and more quiet pace.

I have noticed that emotional interactions with family trigger a pattern of emotional escalation, but even the experience of being out in the world, away from the work a day routine, can trigger anger.  This means that an afternoon at a crowded museum can lead irritation and a short fuse for my SO.

[Clara Louise]

 Unstructured time or time to relax without knowing how to . . .each contributes to a weekend pattern of conflict.

[Clara Louise]

This really reflects my life's pattern with my SO:

 . . . drama "hangover" for Monday and mostly the inability to do my job with complete functionality until Wednesday.

[PeteWitsend]

This really reflects my life's pattern with my SO:

 . . . drama "hangover" for Monday and mostly the inability to do my job with complete functionality until Wednesday.

That's what eventually drove me to seek counseling on my own, the "drama hangover" at work.  It would be the worst on Monday mornings where i woke up  expecting things were resolved on Sunday night, then leaving for work Monday morning, finding she was giving me the silent treatment; I'd get to work stressed out.  And when I told her the effect this was having on me, she seemed surprised, like she didn't realize I had feelings and emotions too.

Setting boundaries is essential to avoid getting too entangled in the emotional strife.

I've also adopted a more carefree attitude toward these conflicts, helped by the fact that I've accepted that divorce wouldn't be that bad (at least not worse than getting screamed at coupled w/silent treatments for days on end) and taking steps to prepare for it.  Also, nowadays once she starts going off the deep end / screaming, I just get my shoes on and walk to the bar for a beer.

lately she seems to have sensed we are nearing the edge of a cliff in our marriage, and taken a few steps back; I'm enjoying a quiet period!

[LoveAndLight]

Reading this thread is so relieving.  Everything written resonates greatly.  I had not directly identified this as a common occurrence related to BPD, but it totally makes sense. 

Even my uBPDh states that weekends are bad and his anxiety, as well as mine, builds as the weekend nears just because of the anticipation of the inevitable.  The probability of triggers heightens over the weekend not only because of the factors mentioned in this thread but because of being with our young children who simply are children and do what children do.

The emotional hangover is so impeding on ability to function, this is one of the main factors in my consideration for ending the relationship.  It impacts me in so many facets of my life that don't even involve him directly (i.e. work, parenting, ability to be a good friend/relative).

I am trying to adopt a more boundryful, carefree attitude about the weekend emotional drama, but I'm finding that though I know exactly how to do it, no matter how hard I try, my weaknesses in this area often take over and I'm in a constant struggle and turmoil.