13 year old spiraling

[frailt]

Feeling very bad atm. My daughter has been spiraling out of control lately. She is only 13 years old and stopped taking her medication for 18 days choosing to stockpile it to kill herself. I found her stash and now inspect her mouth after she takes it to ensure she has indeed taken it. Although she is back on the medication her behaviour has been appalling and she is very close to being expelled. I don't know what the hell to do and she is burning and cutting much deeper and more frequently again. She is constantly attacking me calling me the most abhorrent names and telling me that i am the worst mother on the planet and telling me how much she hates me. She refuses to do chores and we had the biggest fight yesterday. I have been sick as a dog all week and I came home from work and collapsed on the couch utterly exhausted. I asked her what she did today and she told me to shutup.  I know I shouldnt have reacted but I am at the end of my tether so I turned her show off as she was streaming from my computer and is currently on a technology ban for wagging school and swearing at her teacher etc etc. This soon escalated out of control and I ended up leaving the house. I told her I was done with her crap and that she couldnt stay at home and she has stayed at my dads the last two nights. I feel so bad as I know she has abandonment issues and this will really have hurt her emotionally but I just snapped. I feel like I am completely at the end of my tether and feel like I cannot see my way out of this dark tunnel. I am trapped in hell from which there is no escape and I can't even kill myself or walk out as that would definitely kill her and hurt my poor son who is also being emotionally scarred by her self harm and the friction in the house. I feel as though therapy is making her even worse as everything keeps escalating. Its also frustrating that there is no facilities for people her age and that they keep saying she is not at risk because she has no plan. I might be naive but I am pretty sure that not taking your medication for 18 days and stockpiling it for the purpose of killing yourself sounds pretty much like a plan to me. The last time she overdosed they sent us home as soon as the xray showed that she had no more traces of iron in her system. I do not understand why they do not seem interested in helping her when clearly she is in crisis and in desperate need of intensive help. I just do not know what to do and fear that soon I will have to give up my job to care for her and that is one of the only things that actually brings a smile to my face these days. It is a very sad day when the thought of staying home with your daughter fills you with more dread than going to teach 20 kids when you are sick as a dog.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[7babies]

I am so sorry. My daughter is older but similar behavior. I understand the feeling that no one seems to take this seriously or can give you a direction to look for help. You are in my thoughts.

[Lollypop]

Hi frailt

I've just read your post and wanted to reply saying that you're not alone in all of this. BPD is just exhausting and stretches us to the point of pain that is at times almost unbearable.

I'm glad you've got a backup in your dad. It's absolutely OK to put your hands up and say "you know what? I'm done in and I need a break from this".  I know it's only temporary respite but I hope you gathered yourself a little and found some strength...

How old is your son? I'm sorry he's finding it difficult. It's hard for you to be there for everybody all at the same time.

It really sounds to me that you all need more support than you're getting.  Are you getting support?  I founds my friends and family just couldn't understand.

You've mentioned your daughter is in therapy and on meds. What does the therapist say about your daughter and her  current behaviours? 

Hugs

LP

[SammysMom]

Hello , i am so sorry that you are going through this.
In most situations people who say ' i can only imagine what you are going through' really can't even begin to come close to imagining it.
But in this case, i definitely can. (As i think that many of us can when it come's to this site and dealing with a child with BPD).
My daughter has been showing signs since she was very small and i spent a great deal of time and effort trying to get her the help that she needed.
She is 14 , almost 15.
But i found that when she turned 12 it got worse... .and 13? oh my she went into a whirlwind spiral.
She is very much like your daughter.
I tried twice to get her admitted in the mental health ward here in my city, the first time i had gotten a police escort for her because she wouldn't have gone willingly, the 2nd time was two days later when i had to call the police because she had gone into a violent rage, she was so 'jekyll and hyde' that the police took her to the hospital themselves and even waited to speak to the dr. Both time's they would not admit her because she was not 'suicidal enough'. So i really do understand your frustration.

My daughter , has been suspended 3 times due to her violent outbursts.
When she hit grade 9 (this year), she actually started just walking out of class and out of the school and would walk home, all because someone gave her a look she didn't like.
Before that , i was constantly getting fb messages from her by 9:30 am telling me that she couldn't do it and that she had to leave... .no amount of communicating with her would help for her to stay a full day.
In November, she just stopped going to school all together.
I ended up putting her in an alternative school program , where she goes once a week to a location and picks up booklets to do at home. That in itself is a struggle to get her to complete them, however the stress that was happening in our home has reduced where her education was concerned.
Chores, that word isn't even in my daughters vocabulary. She refuses to do them and has for years.
The one thing that i find that does help, is if she wants something from me ... .like money i tell her that i will give her a certain amount if she empty's out the dishwasher, or sweeps and mops the floors. For the longest time , i had to remind her that i work hard for my money, if she went and worked for her money ... .would she just hand me $5 because i simply asked for it? Most likely not.
Sometimes instead of asking her to do a chore, i ask her to take her medications in order to get what she wants... i only do this if she hasn't taken her med the day before.
Thankfully now, she comes up to me and says 'mom, if i do such and such can i get money for the bus?'  it isnt every time, but she is getting better at it. On the days that she does not do this , and i pick a chore for her to do... .she grumbles and i get the 'why do i have to do everything around here!' ... i ignore it. Its not easy , but it isn't anything that i can control.
The name calling ... .i deal with that constantly. I am a b**** , i am a wh***... .anything she can think of come's out of her mouth. There are days where it gets taxing and it hurts ... .a lot. But there are days, much more now then before that i just look at her and say ' yes, but i love you and im not going anywhere so deal with it'.

I find that there are most days where she will be happy one minute and then grumpy as all heck the next, and it all get's taken out on me because i am her 'security blanket'. Again , i took it personally for years... .i have slowly learned that taking it personally does not help.
Now i ask her ' did i do something? or did something else happen?
We have had many talks about how treating me like crap, because something else happened that i have no control over isn't helping her situation or making the home life any better and if i came in from a bad day and took it out on her , how would it make her feel? She has agreed that it would make her feel pretty bad.
She still takes it out on me, but that question of 'did i do something, or did something else happen?' makes her stop and think and she either says' something happened, and i don't want to talk about it ' and she stops treating me like crap ... .or she will talk to me about it.
I do realize that everything i said , if i was you reading this i would be thinking ' well, your daughter isn't as bad as mine if that works for her'... .
This took me years to figure out and its been a consistant routine for me to communicate with her this way.
The one thing that helps me ... .is the saying ' you can't control others, but you can control your reaction to their actions'.
We as mother's struggle to continue to parent the way that we hope too , and to continue to try to get through their heads and hope that one day they will change and that it will all be better... .
You are a GOOD mom, and your daughter's actions are not a reflection to your parenting... .i promise.
Our daughter's minds work differently... .logic just does not register with them.
I have been working with my daughter for many years and ill be very truthful... .even after all of the progress we have made, i still asked my children's aid worker to find a foster home a month ago because i just couldn't take it anymore.
However, since then my daughter has had 2 psychiatrist appointments and upon me learning that the Dr is leaning towards her having BPD and NPD ... .doing some research made a lot of sense, the traits in these disorders fit my daughter to a T!
It has made me feel like a weight has been lifted off of me , because i now realize that there are things that my daughter really just can not control.
My daughter was supposed to go to foster care just two days ago, i put a stop to it... .talked to my worker and told her i just didn't think it would be beneficial and i couldn't give up on my daughter.
I have had a talk with my daughter about this , she knows how close she came... .since then she has been adamant on taking her medications , and even doing her school work ... .is it just a temporary thing? most likely ... .but its a time frame that i can look back on and remind her of , and remind her that she has proven she CAN do these things... .if she really tries.

[Oilersfan]

Hi there, I honesty read your post and thought I could have written that exact same thing about my 13 year old daughter. Every day it's something more drastic and there is no peace in our home anymore. I'm so sorry that you're also going through this. I wouldn't wish this struggle on my worst enemy.

[SurvivorMom]

Hi Frailt. I am brand new here, but your post sounds like what I just posted... .I have no wosdom, except take care of yourself... .\Sounds like you're a teacher too... .One Davy last week a student log mine wrote me a card telling me she loved me, looked up to me and was so glad she had a role model like me... .meanwhile, my own DAUGHTED s\told me to SHUT UP (in school) and airdropped a very embarrassing photo of me to the whole school. I was given the option by my principal to pursue a cyber harassment potential expulsión for her.

I have no words flor how much this hurts./... .Ive lost weight, gained weight, lost sleep and been exhausted for 8 months... .Ivolunteer at a regional center where i am showered with love and kindness... .